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Discussion » Questions » Family » What do feel when you hear a parent introducing a child as adopted or as a stepchild?

What do feel when you hear a parent introducing a child as adopted or as a stepchild?

At Wal-Mart the.other day I saw a guy meet with some coworkers and putting a.hand on a kid's shoulders he.said to his friend, "hey meet my stepson Johnnie".

There was nothing overtly happening that made me think anything was amiss, but it still didn't feel right to me.

Why do men introduce their step children. As such and not as their sons or daughter?

My  feelings would get hurt evertkme he did that.

NOTE: Glis shoved me a thought a had not considered. What if all parties involved can actually get along and therrs and active ex father in this kids life. 

Should this step father call the kid son? Or.step son.?

Good point Gliss.

Posted - February 27, 2017

Responses


  • You're assuming the kids father is a deadbeat or not involved.  Maybe the kids real dad is still active in the child's life and the guy respects that and doesn't want to overstep his place. It could be out of respect for the child, the father, and their relationship.
      February 27, 2017 2:17 PM MST
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  • Im hot assuming anything man.
    Hm, I have not thought a bout that. Good point. 
    I don't have an answer to that. Now.. 
    Very good point . I'll have.to think on that one.a little longer.
    Thanks for the new idea. Thanks really.
      February 27, 2017 2:26 PM MST
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  • I didn't mean it as an accusation but kinda sounds like one in retrospect. 
      February 28, 2017 1:54 AM MST
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  • I agree with Glis and expand on that... we really cannot know what's going on in their lives... the kid might be still trying to accept the guy as his step dad.. it might feel an over-assumption for him to call himself dad from the kids perspective, maybe he hasn't earned that right yet.  Maybe the kids dad died... and the thought of another man calling himself dad, would just feel like disrespecting his real dad.. 

    And a lighthearted one.. I am sure many kids would PREFER to consider themselves adopted.. when my daughter's mad at me I am sure she wishes people thought I wasn't her real mum :P  

     i guess what I am saying is.. we have to try hard not to impose OUR feelings and perceptions on others
      February 27, 2017 4:14 PM MST
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  • You guys may be right. But I always get a bad taste when I hear some guy saying, hey meet my stepson.
    It just doesn't sound right to me. I feel is.like putting a kid that already feels displaced, on the spot.
    I stepped for four children. 
    And that was the first thing that was said as they thru the.door.
    From now on, im Dad. Period. 
    And that was it.
      February 27, 2017 4:40 PM MST
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  • 3375
    That's why I like tossing some of this stuff around here.  I helps get a perspective we may not readily have.  
      February 27, 2017 8:09 PM MST
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  • I was adopted when I was six years old into a loving family. My father always introduced me, and still does, as his adopted daughter. I've never had a problem with it because it's the truth. I see where you're coming from though. It sounds like he's distancing himself from his kid. In many cases, like mine, the father is proud of being able to adopt and it doesn't necessarily measure his love for his child. :)
      February 27, 2017 7:06 PM MST
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  • I thought about it. But I feel anything I say you may take as a criticism of his choices and that would not be true. I'm glad that your experience has been so great. Honestly.
    Really. 
    I talk ONLY about my experience, and I think I would have minded had he introduced me as his stepson, and knowing myself I would have turned to him and said, wtf? 
    Maybe it is just me that felt that way you know?
    Thank you Stormy. That's a great answer. I never met someone who as happybwith it. I did learn something today. Thank you.
      February 27, 2017 8:51 PM MST
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  • I'm not easily offended or angered so you're all good. :) Everyone is different. I've known several people who were upset in this exact type of scenario. Also, I met my biological parents last year and they are kind of wacked so it's even easier for me to accept being the "adopted daughter" so to speak because I have the comparison now. :)
      February 27, 2017 10:33 PM MST
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  • And you're alright? 
    You don't feel angry or nothing?
      February 27, 2017 10:36 PM MST
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  • Oh of course I was angry. I was especially angry for a long time at my biological parents for giving me up. I'm thankful I got to meet them because alot of people don't get too. In my case, after I met them, I felt like I dodged a bullet by being adopted. They were kind of wacked. I'm not sure of another word to use other than wacked. :)
      February 27, 2017 10:59 PM MST
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  • That is so very interesting to me. When I was very little my father went somewhere else. I remember my little brother being super angry at him for a long time. I asked my mother why he left. She said that he didn't want us anymore. I remember feeling sad for her. But about him I thought, whatever, his loss. And that was it. But my brother is still today, angry about that.
    Thanks stormy for sharing such an intimate story.
      February 27, 2017 11:10 PM MST
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  • You're welcome. My parents were similar in a way. They basically just abandoned me at a children's home when I was very young. I'm talking maybe one or two years old. They were the cliche "travel the country" hippy type of people who could never stick to anything longer than a few months and didn't want the responsibility of a child. I don't understand parents like that or fathers/mothers that would walk away from their families. Hmm, I'm not angry anymore, though.

    Thank you for also sharing your story. :)
      February 27, 2017 11:22 PM MST
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  • I know this has nothing to do with anything stormy, but I've never talked to.anybody whom has gone thru that. My only point of reference is basically movies.
    If you don't mind my asking, how was that? At six years old beeing adopted? Was it scary?
      February 27, 2017 10:34 PM MST
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  • I was terrified. I'm not the boldest of persons. I'm more of the shy girl that hangs in the back with a book or a video game. It was two new parents with three kids of their own, all boys. I spent alot of time in my new room reading books which seemed to be the only thing that wasn't changing. I also felt like I didn't belong and that I didn't deserve a new family because if my biological parents didn't love me, why would anyone else. Don't get me wrong, my adoptive parents made sure I was welcome and loved but those thoughts didn't want to go away for the longest time. :)
      February 27, 2017 11:07 PM MST
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  • Wow, what a thing for a six year old to have to deal with. Just like that , WHAP!
    I remember going to a new place once. And how the attentions became too much. To much caring. You know what I mean?
    Of course you do.
    The part about feeling undeserving put a little knot in my stomach. Im glad you're  doing better now.
    Thank you for indulging me.
      February 27, 2017 11:18 PM MST
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  • Always happy to indulge :)
      February 28, 2017 6:09 AM MST
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  • 19942
    I would think worse of someone who introduced the child as his spouse's child, e.g., "This is Matthew, my wife's son."  To me that would indicate that he felt no bond with the child other than by marrying his mother. 
      February 27, 2017 7:49 PM MST
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  • Oh man SS, 
    I REALLY dislike those kinds. Yeah!
    I always look at the woman wondering how she allows that.
    I see it as the guy saying, 
    "Oh, that she's got growing out of her side?  She came with it, its her son, Michael I think is its name. . . o something"
    Great answer, I completely forgot about those.
      February 27, 2017 8:58 PM MST
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  • 7775
    I feel nothing. It's just another case of people filling your mind with unnecessary information.
      February 27, 2017 7:56 PM MST
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  • 2960
    Nothing. That's their designation. Everything has a name.

      February 27, 2017 9:15 PM MST
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  • Hey,
    That's actually more cheerful than what I was expecting from you. )
    Thanks Bro, I appreciate you responding. This post was edited by Benedict Arnold at February 27, 2017 10:30 PM MST
      February 27, 2017 10:29 PM MST
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  • 3680

    If the child is aware fully of his or here situation and the step-relationship is happy, then why not admit the fact? Especially if the child still has a good relationship with either or both parent*.

    It would only be a problem if the step-relationship is poor, the step-parent being aloof and denigrating the child, perhaps to keep it in some perceived place of advantage only to adopter/ foster.


    * Two recent additions to the dictionary of fashionably sloppy jargon are "birth mother" and "biological mother/father": tautology, as you can only ever have one mother and father regardless of who actually brings you up, and we all know The Facts Of Life! What on Earth is wrong with the centuries-old, established, correct, simple prefix "step-" for the adopter?

      February 28, 2017 3:38 AM MST
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  • If the relationship, as you say, is good and great, then why not just say "my son"?

      February 28, 2017 4:59 PM MST
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