Discussion » Questions » Human Behavior » How do you remain friends with someone with views diametrically opposed to yours? Is it worth the effort?
Benedict Arnold

How do you remain friends with someone with views diametrically opposed to yours? Is it worth the effort?

My neighbor Mr Mike is a very very very nice and very old guy who will do anything for anybody at any time.
Until certain topics are touched. . . then he turns into the Hulk,
.
Is friendship and camaraderie more important than our views, or are certain differences too much to over look?
I don't know the answer to this.
On one hand I think that it's stupid to argue about things that don't really matter, but on  the other, I would find it difficult to be friends with certain people because of their believes.
.
We don't talk about those things any more. He comes to the house using some excuse and we sit on the porch. He tells me stories about the time when he was an oil rig engineer in Alaska a long time ago, and I mostly listen and smoke a bunch of cigarettes.

Posted - March 28, 2017
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Responses


  • 7919
    I don't. I can be civil and have discussions with people, but if we don't share the same core values, listening to them on an ongoing basis is like nails on a chalkboard. I could be friends with someone who had different opinions, but it really depends on how deep down they go. Did we vote for a different candidate? Ok, no problem. Did they vote for a different candidate because they're a bigot? Big problem. We'll be waving at each other from a distance from that point on.
      March 28, 2017 11:12 AM MDT
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  • That is my inclination, I keep thinking there has to be a better way, however. I just don't know what that better way is. Or if it's really possible. Thanks J
      March 28, 2017 1:57 PM MDT
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  • You ain't kidding!!
    The other day, I was having one of my "special" cigarettes when he came over and started talking about how the head of a certain religion was part of the new world order and how they were trying to control the world thru hidden dealings and thru pop culture icons. He had me so convinced and concerned  that at the end I thought about playing a Beyonce CD backwards to look for hidden messages.
      March 28, 2017 3:10 PM MDT
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  • Hi Lago,

    For your intriguing question, I tend to go for your option A – that friendship and camaraderie ARE more important than the opposing views…here is why:

    When two people sit together and share that camaraderie, something deeper is going on; there is an exchange of some kind, a leveling, an opening if you will…and verbal discussion is not even involved.

    And that may, indeed, be part of the reason Mr. Mike seeks you out, in addition to your good company, your very presence may just make him feel better. I think your friendship with him sounds lovely.
    * * *
    However, I also have a line that I draw; if someone is using me as a sounding board to get affirmation of their bigotry just by me listening to them and giving them an audience, then I courteously but firmly excuse myself.

      March 28, 2017 1:56 PM MDT
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  • That's my heart inclination Ms Virginia.
    Regardless of me being right or wrong, conflict always leaves a sour taste under my tongue.
     The problem is that sometimes my stomach takes over my heart and before I know im down there with my nose in the muck. Then I hate myself for being weak.
    I sincerely agree with you. At the end, what matters is how we take care of each other, disagreements are always going to happen, they don't matter.
    But what about when, even if they don't  proclaim them, their ideas create a conflict of a deeper nature, is it still more valuable to swallow our pride and try to reach over or is it a waste of effort?
    Mr Mike and I  don't talk about certain things anymore and everything is pretty alright. But somehow I still feel like I failed. That I should have been smarter.
    Does that make sense?
    I appreciate your input, Ms Virginia, and I feel youre right, but that's still a hard road to follow.
      March 28, 2017 2:39 PM MDT
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  • Lago it IS a hard road to follow...and I certainly am not all that good at it, just going along best I can...
      March 28, 2017 3:26 PM MDT
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  • 495
    Well for me I have different levels of friendship. I have good friends who we are very different in our beliefs but have sustained friendships for about 25 years. We have more to our friendship than just our core beliefs. We share other interests and enjoy our time together so we over look our differences. The difference is we respect each other deeply. 
    I had an elderly Armenian neighbor, who one day asked me over for Armenian coffee. I love Armenian coffee in those little demitasse cups. So, I said yes. I went over and joined he and his wife for coffee. English is their second language. So,  we spent the hour gesturing, and pointing. They learned a bit more English, I enjoyed the company and their talk of their home in Armenia. We ended up starting a morning tradition that lasted for a few years until they moved out. Every morning I'd stop in before work and we would drink coffee and cigarettes. Soon his old cronies started coming around. We'd sit and I'd hear about their stories about their countries, their war wounds, getting older, their grandchildren. All in broken English. They heard my stories of my life up till that point. We had nothing in common, their beliefs and language was not something I understood or could relate to at that time. But we made due. We accepted our differences because we enjoyed our time together. Because in the end we were more than just our beliefs and our experiences. We were just being social beings enjoying our time together. I wouldn't trade that time for anything. Had I been stuck in our differences, I would have never given them a chance and I would have lost out on a wonderful experience. 
      March 28, 2017 2:09 PM MDT
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  • 495
    Thanks for the shout out, WingedWonder. That was very kind, I appreciate that. :))
      March 28, 2017 3:05 PM MDT
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  • That's pretty alright dragonfly, thank you for sharing such nice story.
    You mentioned the word respect and I got to think about it. I thought that respect is powerful enough to keep immense differences away and allow friendships, like the one with your neighbor, to flourish, but at the same time fragile enough to disintegrate any relation at the slightest affront. 
    "...over look our differences...", you said, and for whatever it is worth, I commend you for that,  I still have a lot of growing up to do on that one, im afraid.
    Thank you so much for your response, Dragon.

      March 28, 2017 2:55 PM MDT
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  • 495
    Lago it takes a humble and thoughtful human being to admit his shortfalls. Life is a learning experience. Everyone learns.  I have this corny example of friendship/relationship checks and balances. In a relationship of any kind your going to have good and bad days. Every one of those times get appropriated to the account in the plus or minus column. We get along, bam, One positive experience, 10 bucks in the account. 5 great experiences, bam, up to 60 bucks.  One bad experience, bam, we are down 10. One really bad experience, bam, down another 30 bucks, because, it was a whopper of an experience. I always try to keep my accounts in the black. If for whatever reason my account is always in the red with someone, I have to evaluate the value and exit the relationship. So,  my relationships rarely are fragile, because we are usually in the black. I know its corny and I'm not being petty. Let's say my friend has a cancer yeah, um, we are going to be in the red for awhile. Respect for me is accepting our differences, embracing who we are, acknowledging that we might not agree, but that that is okay. Respect is accepting those differences completely. Not just lip service, don't disrespect me by trying to convert me to your ideals. 
    In the world right now, we are divided by our differences, how about we set aside those differences and try to find more commonalities. Instead of knocking each other down let's lift each other up when we can. Okay, okay....I'm putting away the soap box. 
      March 28, 2017 3:27 PM MDT
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  • Nothing corny about your system. (I have a similar little system in my head. I start everybody at 50 percent, you know? From there it can go either way, of it fluctuates with time.) 
    Accepting those differences completely. . .that's a tough one. . . 
    I do thank you for the humble comment, but im actually pretty prideful and intolerant...hence the question.. . 
    I do see what you mean about finding our commonalities . . . I know I've changed my opinion for the better many times about some people, once I know about them better, and can relate. Thanks again for taking the time to write...
      March 28, 2017 4:59 PM MDT
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  • Beautiful, DragonFly
      March 28, 2017 3:27 PM MDT
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  • 495
    Thank you,  Virginia.  :))
      March 28, 2017 3:30 PM MDT
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  • 22904
    Wonderful!
    :)
      March 28, 2017 6:57 PM MDT
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  • 22891
    i probably wouldnt
      March 28, 2017 2:57 PM MDT
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  • Of all the responses I read on this site, your responses are always my favorite. Thanks Ms Pearl.

      March 28, 2017 3:12 PM MDT
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  • 14795
    Everyone's entitled to their own opinions on any subject no matter what they are within reason.......you can still be friends with them though.... This post was edited by Nice Jugs at March 29, 2017 2:56 AM MDT
      March 28, 2017 3:43 PM MDT
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  • I've been thinking about how to respond to your comment for a minute, but honestly, i think it's perfect the way it is...Thanks N.
      March 28, 2017 9:13 PM MDT
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  • 14795
    Lol....:)p. Xx
      March 29, 2017 2:59 AM MDT
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  • 6477
    I am, by nature, a master-debater - love the twists and turns of debate. However if someone turns hulk over it, and cannot engage in reasoned debate - conversation would probably be limited. I could get on with them tho and do.  There are some things I would struggle with, animal abuse, child abuse and abuse of women - I don't think I could be friends with those kinds - ditto I struggle with people who don't care about the environment.
      March 28, 2017 4:06 PM MDT
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  • 16239
    I'm with you. A friend if mine is an almost aggressive atheist, we'll have hammer and tongs debates over it and our mutual friends think we're about to come to blows. We're not, both of us enjoy that kind of thing.
      March 28, 2017 4:32 PM MDT
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  • I'd find it hard to disagree with any of that. . . I feel the same about those things, I think most people do. Thanks ADaydreambeliever.
      March 28, 2017 5:12 PM MDT
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  • Sometimes ya just gotta let people be themselves.

    My neighbour for almost 30 years was a former WWII Luftwaffe mechanic. To him, Hitler was the greatest man of the century and the jews were responsible for the war. We had many discussions about it and, although we disagreed strong -- often loudly -- we managed to remain friendly neighbours. That's not the same as being friends, but I have no more right to impose my values on him than he does on me. Eventually he moved away.

    I would rather have had that kind of workable relationship with him -- one in which we each knew where the other stood -- than an interminable standoff. 
      March 28, 2017 5:04 PM MDT
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  • That's a tough one there Mr D. 
    Real tough one.
    I think you're right. An interminable stand off can be immensely draining and exHausting.
    Im not sure if you are Jewish or not, but even if you aren't, it would still be very difficult to overlook that.
    Thank you so much for sharing that, you are definitely a strong individual.
      March 28, 2017 7:41 PM MDT
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