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Discussion » Questions » Family » How would you go about any relationship with a dad who defended awful abuse from your mother?

How would you go about any relationship with a dad who defended awful abuse from your mother?

And physically hit /assaulted you when you once disagreed with her.. would you try to just limit contact, would you try to just smooth things, or would you not have any contact (when it was possible not to..)?

Posted - July 29, 2016

Responses


  • I would totally limit contact, once/year sounds about right!  Crap there's no excuse!!  }:-|

      July 29, 2016 10:44 PM MDT
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  • 640

    Forgive. Try to love, Get counseling. It is hard but can be done. Set good boundaries and limit contact to a few times a year. Families that stay in contact once in a while do better than people who cut off completely.

    Jesus says "don't be overcome with evil, but overcome evil with good."

      July 29, 2016 10:59 PM MDT
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  • 1138

      July 29, 2016 11:13 PM MDT
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  • He's complicit in the abuse ... either he agreed with it or was also a victim of it himself and did nothing to prevent it ... I can only speak for myself but sounds like it's time to move on

      July 29, 2016 11:26 PM MDT
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    That is terrible. 

    What is he like now?  Does he care?  If he does then I would lay it out for him.  He has to go with you to some kind of counseling.  This is not going to heal itself.

    I commend you for wanting to see if there is a possibility of maybe having some kind of relationship, but you are still very very very raw about this whole situation and I do not blame you.  If you are met with someone who makes you feel like you are butting your head against a wall,  it's not going to go anywhere but downhill.

    If, he does want to have a relationship, then what?  Do you want to make him feel what you do about this whole thing?  Can you move on if he changed?  Can you let him apologize and be fine?

    I do not see any of the above happening unless he is open to having a 3rd party you both respect, moderate  the reunion and suggest what to do.   So you both have some tools to use as a guide for a better future.

    Don't go through  this one alone.  You have been through enough. 

      July 29, 2016 11:32 PM MDT
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  •   July 29, 2016 11:32 PM MDT
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    Thank you Oz... he def. has been a victim too, but, he backs a LOT of the vile abuse she spews /lies about me, and I'd never ever do that to him,  or anyone, knowing how AWFUL she /psychopaths, will make you feel or believe of yourself. It is hard though to cut complete ties, for I have no one else to ever help me financially ,now anyway, if I ever needed it in life. But I think overall his making me feel like what I believe isn't true, is the key for cutting contact.. he wanted me to have my reality distorted , on all that went on... and I can't even Think about how that affected my own worth. I just need to keep saving I guess, to finally do it... ty Oz

      July 31, 2016 12:48 PM MDT
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    Ty S.. it was so kind of you taking the time to write about this.. I actually don't 'want' a relationship anymore with him.. I just meant 'smooth ' things as in, act neutral around him really. Which is what I do now.. I barely talk to him, and reply with one word answers when he asks me things. He thinks b/c he takes a light tone w/me after all that he defended with my very ill /cruel mother, that I will be fine and things w/me and him are dandy. No. He will one day say, she needs help, and the next defend her completely , even hitting me recently when I was explaining why I was flustered with her. Not one hit, many hits, and I was tempted to contact police.. but what would they do?? They'd maybe say , file restraint? I have to live w/him right now b/c of the PTSD I've had, and not enough finances... what I NEED to do, is cut contact w/both.... completely, yet I have no one else who could ever help me financially (in future, IF I needed it)... but I know my peace and joy are whaT Matters, and I've never had that, so I guess it is important to strive for that, more than anything even if I do not have anyone.. Ty so much for asking those questions... I know he will not change, b/c he just wants to keep his wife, even if it meant he put me down or never saw me again I'm sure. He has never really wanted a relationship w/me , b/c he was very young /immature when he had me, and i wasn't planned. I will plug along and save any $$ to one day not look back.. ty S.

      July 31, 2016 12:55 PM MDT
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    How very sad to have not one but two toxic parents. I def agree on the counseling, for you if noone else will go, will be a great help to help you to process it and develop the best life you possibly can. As an adult you have to do what is right for you. Forgiveness along with some distance sounds like a winner to me. 

    Living in a toxic atomsphere is hazardous to your health as you can attest to already having PTSD. I once accepted financial help from my mother, but she was so controlling about it, I finally had to wean myself from the dependency, as I could not bear to be controlled. Your peace of mind and well being are the most important in my thinking. There are support groups online that are helpful, and I do not know where you live but in the US there is Lifeskills, they offer counseling at little to no cost according to your income, and they can also help you with other things like housing. I think this would be an excellant source of help for you, in addition to finding a good church where you can feel comfortable, and one that is big enough to have resources that can help you, along with support from the members. Even if you have to change cites to find these resources. May the Lord guide you, protect and provide for you. Amen. (((HUGS)))
    This post was edited by Silverwings at October 24, 2016 8:53 PM MDT
      October 24, 2016 8:14 PM MDT
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