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Discussion » Questions » Relationships » Is love a disease only curable by marriage?
SavvyAnsley

Is love a disease only curable by marriage?

Posted - December 30, 2020
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Responses


  • 52945

     

      I don’t know what marriage cures. I’m suspicious that my wife only married me for my celibacy. Grrrrrrr. 


    :(

      December 30, 2020 10:16 PM MST
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  • 10045
    Doesn't seem a traditionally attractive quality in a mate, but to each their own, right? 

    P.S. - This question was inspired by a Briscoe one-liner I heard on Law & Order yesterday. 
      December 31, 2020 8:08 AM MST
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  • 52945

     

      Briscoe’s one-liners were classic!
    ~

      December 31, 2020 10:11 AM MST
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  • 10045
    So classic! 
      December 31, 2020 10:51 AM MST
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  • 9874
    I have been cured without marriage. Perhaps I only had a mild case.
      December 31, 2020 10:23 AM MST
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  • 10045
    Very good! Perhaps you're just smarter than most. :)
      December 31, 2020 10:49 AM MST
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  • 52945

      Or perhaps she hasn’t let “that special someone” into her life yet.

    ((((Psssst listen, Ansley, if you can convince Jane to drop the restraining orders and give a brutha some time, I’ll move you up two places in your rotation at The Harem.  Mum’s the word!))))

    ~

      December 31, 2020 12:01 PM MST
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  • 10045
    Never agreed to The Harem. I have no reason to dislike Jane, why would I try to convince her to do something against her best interests? 

    You should get back to your celibacy right away. 
      December 31, 2020 7:26 PM MST
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  • 52945

     

      “Dislike”? “Against her best interests”?  What are you talking about? She’s remained pure and chaste her entire life in order to hone herself to the well-refined perfect partner for me! She needs this! You’d be doing her a solid! Come on now, hook a sistah up!
    ~

      December 31, 2020 8:35 PM MST
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  • 10045
    You keep telling yourself that, but it won't affect the outcome of the eventual legal proceedings. 
      January 1, 2021 5:58 PM MST
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  • 9874
    Thanks for having my back, Savvy.
      December 31, 2020 9:39 PM MST
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  • 52945

     

      Nobody is going to side with the brutha?  I only hope you realize you’re in danger of running me into the arms of another. 


      December 31, 2020 10:42 PM MST
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  • 9874
    I can live with that.
      January 1, 2021 4:59 AM MST
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  • 52945

     

      Many others. 

      ~

      January 1, 2021 7:05 AM MST
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  • 10045
    My pleasure, Jane. 
      January 1, 2021 5:58 PM MST
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  • 4631
    Marriage makes no difference.

    If you mean romantic or sexual love, it's familiarity that kills it.
    Passion thrives on the unexpected, the promise of the unknown, the discovery of the new, and a high degree of projection from the imagination.

    But age is also a major factor - that 1% per annum drop in sexual hormones.
    Yeah, I know the old protestations that some old people maintain their sexual functionality into very late old age - but the truth is that these people are freaks, not in any bad way, just extremely rare. That's according to the statistics of sexologists. It's confirmed by what I've seen as an aged carer for people in care homes or still living independently in the community.

    In my view, the rushes of adrenaline, androgens, serotonin and oxytocin (that flush the system when in love) create madness. 
    Eventually the hormones die down - as they must for the person to return to equilibrium and functional reality. The rose tinted glasses come off and they start to see their lover as who they really are with all the flaws. If they are young they experience disillusionment and shock, and the quarrels begin. Each starts to see the dark side of the other. Then the racketts and the anger start to switch off the passion. 

    Or often it's the grind of earning a living and caring for kids and household - literally no energy left for passion.

    Put all this together and it's not surprising that 2 out of 3 marriages end in divorce.


    If you mean real love - as in caring for the well-being of a person -  the love survives irrespective of whether the couple is married, but there's nothing sexual or romantic about it. It's the deepest kind of friendship there is.


    I think most married or committed couples go through grief when they realise that the sexual chemistry is dying. We pine for the various kinds of bliss and beauty that it used to engender.

    Honestly, I tried everything with my man. I even finally managed to persuade him to try Viagra.
    I got an unpleasant shock when I discovered it didn't work. He's otherwise healthy - not overweight, no diabetes, no heart problems.
    I've had to accept that he no longer has even the slightest interest in me on that level.
    And yet I know he loves me. He shows it in hundreds of other ways - like bringing me a cup of tea when I come back inside after hours of weeding. It is so soothing and welcome. This post was edited by inky at December 31, 2020 8:45 PM MST
      December 31, 2020 1:24 PM MST
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  • 52945

     

      Wow, ALL of that which you posted is quite an eye-opener and truly profound, but especially:

    “Passion thrives on the unexpected, the promise of the unknown, the discovery of the new, and a high degree of projection from the imagination.”

    ~

      December 31, 2020 8:40 PM MST
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  • 4631
    Try watching the TED talk by Esther Perel on infidelity.
    She's a psychologist who specialises in what causes it and why it is a problem.
      December 31, 2020 10:24 PM MST
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  • 6098
    Love can mean so many different things and why try to pin down any meanings? Then possibly it would not be "love". I assumed they meant the familiarity of living together dulling the attraction.  I like what you write about it being soothing and welcome. and I can think of many other adjectives - comfortable, secure, satisfying, friendly, completing, etc.  I married in my 50s and was not a function of physical attraction.  Honestly my husband is a strong nebbish and not so attractive but then neither am I. But because of how we got on and he has been so with me in spite of my peculiarities and what many men would not even pretend to countenance.  But we have become best friends and we love each other's company. We were engaged before I even though about what sexual intimacy with him would be like. But with a little application and adjustment on both our parts turned out quite well for a few years as far as that is concerned.  But life is about so much more than multiple Os in a motel room though obviously that is nice as well.  Many of us who I will say were less good-looking defined ourselves by sex since we did not make it by looks.  Then we get older and get into society and learn other ways of relating to others as well to define ourselves. The bond I now have with my husband Gerry is stronger than ever simply because we like each other's company and like to talk with one another and be together.  Though sex has become only occasional but then he is kind of a workaholic and his work is what fulfills him most.  Oh I think we leave people if we can't be ourselves with them. There is who we are and who we are with them and we need both.  Even if sometimes it does cause friction. Should not be a matter of just who had the most power or gets the upper hand.  We all need our own power but it should work dynamically with the power of others.  Interaction of powers is what it should be. 
      December 31, 2020 9:02 PM MST
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  • 4631

    I agree that there are many kinds of love.
    I can't deny that the English language uses one word to embrace countless different kinds of feelings -
    One might love peaches, mechanics, gardening, nature, animals, one's country, home, job, dog, mother, sister, daughter, spouse, friend etc.
    Each of these is actually a different kind of positive emotion about an object, an activity, an abstract concept, or a sentient being.
    When we use one word to describe both the emotion for a lover and the emotion for a lifelong best friend or husband, we confuse the communications. Older people might usually know what the other means when they say it. I know for sure that when my mate says "I love you" it doesn't mean he wants me to join groin to groin - but 35 years ago it never meant anything else.

    Imagine how confused a poor highschool boy feels if a girl tells him she loves him. He jumps in for a huge slobbering pash. She pulls away and says, "Ooo, yuk! What was that about!!!?" All she meant was that she loved him as a friend. He thought she meant she was in love.
    The Ancient Greeks had six words for humans loving other humans. I'd guess they had far fewer misunderstandings in intimate relationships because of it.

    This post was edited by inky at January 3, 2021 8:13 PM MST
      December 31, 2020 10:38 PM MST
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  • 6098
    Back in the day I would never have told anyone I loved them. We used to talk about just what that meant but it all seemed so far away.  Love was for the movies and for princesses it seemed.  Meant a lot to me just if someone "liked" me which meant sex and closeness and acceptance all of which were very desirable to me.  Love seemed like the province of the beautiful.  The first time a man told me he loved me, and I was in my 20s by then, I cried.  No for me love implied more caring, rather transcending sex, though can get mixed up. 
      January 3, 2021 8:34 PM MST
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  • 10045
    Such a beautiful reply to a joke of a question! 

    Thank you. 
      January 1, 2021 6:04 PM MST
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  • 6098
    No we don't stop loving just because we get married. That brings desirable closeness if we get with the right person. But does not bring an end to desire if that is what you mean. 
      December 31, 2020 7:33 PM MST
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  • 10045
    It was just a joke. Happy New Year!
      January 1, 2021 6:07 PM MST
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