Ashamed? Good golly miss molly whistle for WHAT? Being a human being and imperfect? Of course I have no idea why you feel that way about yourself but I'm guessing you are definitely being too hard on you. Cut yourself some slack. Give yourself some credit for trying if you fail. Seriously. Thank you for your reply! :)
I'm ashamed that I never stood up to my pos father for myself or siblings. An example, one evening at supper my sister said something, I forget what, that enraged my father. He BELLOWED at her, "you have a mouth bigger than a goddamn animal!" Then yanked her chair from under nether her, demanding she would stand to finish her meal. This quickly became not enough and she was sent to her room and told he did not want to see her face for the rest of the night. The rest of us just sat and finished the meal. I should have picked up the chair, swung it like a baseball and SHATTERED my father's face. Drawn it back, swung and knocked his head through the window behind him. This was near 40 years ago and I'm still ashamed not to have acted.
((hugs)) Oh m'dear! How old were you? Had you done that you could have killed him and spent the rest of your life in jail for murdering him...or damaged him badly and spent the rest of your life in jail for attempted murder. How would that have been better than living your life? You did the best you could for the person you were at the time. You can't go through life second-guessing yourself whistle. I expect at that time with an enraged animal as your father seemed to be to me, you wouldn't have stood a chance. It could have escalated and hurt others in the family. It's bad enough. The memory. I'm so sorry that it still plagues you today because that means you keep reliving it and feel to blame/guilty. I know nothing I can say will change what you think or how you feel. But what if what happened to you happened to a friend what would you have wanted your friend to do? Thank you for sharing the specifics. I didn't mean to pry. I wish though that you had some good memories of your dad to offset all the terrible ones. Happy Thursday whistle! :)
You did not pry, I choose to answer. The reply summarizes his entirely relationship with his kids, that and his exquisite stupidity. I will never feel any affection for him, but I try to feel compassion for him. Trapped in a bitterly unhappy marriage, burdened with four kids he regretted. Trapped in a career he was wildly unsuited to. Facing cultural change he couldn't abide. an having no stress relief or coping strategies other than raging. Having very serious emotional problems and certainly some cognitive problems. I had to be horrible to live in his mind.
I'm 55. The face shattering is a cathartic fantasy.
Fantasy is good. Was it cathartic? Thank you for your reply whistle and Happy Friday. Even after all of that you feel compassion for the man. Amazing. We have 3 sons..all in their 50's. Two are Jim's from a prior marriage and one is mine and they all adore him. Was there anyone in your childhood life whom you adored? My sis and I adored our dad and tried really hard to understand our mom. My sis figured her out. I'm still working on it! :)
This post was edited by RosieG at June 23, 2017 2:16 AM MDT
not cathartic enough. All my anger is still there and it is a concern for that I still harbor such violent fantasies from near 40 years ago and about 15 since he kicked.
Have you ever considered getting professional help whistle? Harboring anger for so long can't be good for you. Of course nothing you do will change what happened. The only thing that can change is that you change how you deal with it. 40 years is such a long time to be angry. Hope you can find a way to lessen it. Thank you for your reply! :)
As a teen I desperately need serious professional intervention. Now I try to deal with it on my own. The last five years or so have been much better than the decades before.
I am glad to hear that whistle. That is one of the benefits of growing older. You learn to handle things better. Thank you for your reply and Happy Saturday. I know when I was younger things affected me more. Now? I just roll with the punches and keep going. It's better than the alternative! :)
We all do that PeaPod. We can't see what we refuse to see even because it is all going on subconsciously. We see but we don't recognize or won't. I don't know why that is. Human nature I guess. I keep going back and forth. Sometimes I say I wouldn't change a thing and sometimes I wish I had a few do-overs. SIGH. I suppose that is also human nature. Thank you for your reply and Happy Thursday! :)
Life didn't seem to go by so fast when I was younger. Maybe I just didn't pay enough attention. As I get older though I am painfully aware of how little of it is left ahead compared to what I've already lived! Next birthday 80! I can't believe I'm that old PeaPod. I don't feel that old for sure. Thank you for your reply and Happy Sunday! :)
((hugs)) Thanks m'dear. I don't feel it and I have been told by some very kind people that I don't look it! My mom passed on when she was 95. My dad sadly passed when he was just 54! I'm grateful for and appreciative of so many things PeaPod. I take nothing for granted. I appreciate your kindness! :)
Same here Rosie. Age does one of two things to you. It either makes you bitter and miserable, or it makes you appreciate every day you have your health and your basic needs met.
I would be a liar if I didn't tell you I lost some of my innocence along the way, but life is a gift. The older I get, the more I just want to savor what I have.
Thank-you for the kind words. You always struck me as someone that was also kind them self.
Benedict Arnold 