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Discussion » Questions » Death and Dying » How do you start up a conversation with someone who is about to die?

How do you start up a conversation with someone who is about to die?

There is no small talk. No "How's the weather?" No "How have you been?" And, I'm pretty sure, "I heard you're dying. That sucks." probably doesn't cut it. 

Posted - July 25, 2017

Responses


  • 7132
    "I'm so glad to be with you. Tell me what's been happening." Use touch, hold a hand, if appropriate. Talk memories. You can make small talk. Sometimes it's a welcome relief. They may be dying but that doesn't necessarily mean they've lost interest in the world around them. But they might also want to talk about their illness, final plans, the dying process. It can be therapeutic, especially since many people can't handle those discussions. At other times, silence is fine as all they need is your presence. The most important thing is that you listen and follow their lead.
      July 25, 2017 6:41 PM MDT
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  • 1128
    Exactly!
      July 25, 2017 6:51 PM MDT
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  • 7919
    Thank you.
      July 25, 2017 8:05 PM MDT
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  • 2657
      July 25, 2017 6:41 PM MDT
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  • 7919
    It did. Thank you.
      July 25, 2017 8:05 PM MDT
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  • 2657
    You're welcome. Glad it helped. Do you have a loved one that is dying?
      July 25, 2017 8:29 PM MDT
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  • 7919
    My aunt. She lives in another state and was checked into hospice care the other day. They think she will pass in the next few days, so they're just trying to keep her as comfortable as possible. We did have many talks, much like the link you sent discussed. She was open and had time to accept it. She expressed her wishes and was in a peaceful place last time I talked with her. We always said goodbye like it would be the last time we would talk. It's just different now that the time is here. 
      July 25, 2017 9:33 PM MDT
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  • 2657
    That is sad. Looks like ya'll are handling it as best as you can, which is never easy. 
    Here's an article from this year that speaks similarly to what you and your Aunt have already done in being open.


    https://wol.jw.org/en/wol/d/r1/lp-e/2017127?q=dying&p=par

    Early and open communication is vital

    When a Loved One Is Terminally Ill

      July 26, 2017 4:50 AM MDT
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  • 5354
    I guees it depend on their mental state. But the allround best seems to be to sit at the bedside and just hold their hand. That may turn into a conversation of their choosing or it may not. Let it.
      July 25, 2017 7:14 PM MDT
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  • I guess it depends on your relationship with that person.
    When a family friend and coworker of mine was dying we just held his hands and let him know we loved him and tried to comfort him.
    He knew he was dying and I'll never forget him saying "It won't be long now."
    In my mind I still see him laying in the hospital the last time I saw him.
    He was good to me, I miss him.

    When my dad was dying I was in full on "Let's fix you" mode.
    I was trying to control his diet and setting his room up do he could get to the bathroom easy and lifting him in his bed preparing him for recovery like he'd been through so many times before.
    I just talked to him about everday stuff and I believed he would survive and I went to work and the next day he died.

    When my brother died it was sudden in a crash and I could only cry and pray and talk to him that way.

    I guess the best thing you can do is just be comforting and loving and let the person decide if they want to discuss their situation or maybe they just want you to talk about you so they can focus on anything but death for a moment.
    I would just say"Hi, it's good to see you, is there anything you need?"
    Rub their hands or arms or feet for them if you know them, that's all I know.
    Good luck.

    This post was edited by Benedict Arnold at July 25, 2017 11:51 PM MDT
      July 25, 2017 7:28 PM MDT
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  • 7919
    I'm sorry for your losses, but appreciate the thoughtful answer. 
      July 25, 2017 8:25 PM MDT
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  • "Am I in your will?"
      July 25, 2017 7:58 PM MDT
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  • 492
    Yeah, you are, but I'm taking it with me, sukka.
      July 25, 2017 8:05 PM MDT
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  • Good!  I don't want you cheap junk anyway!  Ha! Take that!
      July 25, 2017 8:10 PM MDT
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  • 1430
    men says whatever they want but doesnt mean its true.


    means doesnt mean the person has a illness.....
      July 25, 2017 8:13 PM MDT
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  • I think you have to go with what you know about the situation and let them lead(even if it's only indirectly).

    This post was edited by Benedict Arnold at July 26, 2017 1:06 AM MDT
      July 25, 2017 8:59 PM MDT
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  • 7919
    That was a powerful clip, Alf. Thank you.
      July 25, 2017 9:10 PM MDT
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  • 2327
    For me it depends who it is, how well I know that person, and if I know what kind of stuff they like to talk about. I'd try to keep the conversation exactly the same as if they weren't dying. They probably have enough visitors already who make it morbid for them. 
      July 25, 2017 9:19 PM MDT
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  • 7919
    Good point. Thank you.
      July 25, 2017 9:34 PM MDT
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  • 46117
    I think that totally depends on who is dying.  There is no generic conversation.

    Some people will love to talk about the weather.  Just to talk.  Some people want to be in silence to have a presence there while they pass.  Some want to unburden their soul.  It depends on who it is. 
      July 25, 2017 11:13 PM MDT
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  • 10026
    I am a huge believer in touch.
    The words are lost but the emotion and feeling is not.  
    No matter if it is your dog, a family member or even a fish.  I'm serious.  I held my 1st goldfish until he died. 
    Now that I read it, that is kind of funny but not to make light of the subject,
    but, it's true.

    Dying is such a personal thing.  I think it is what you want them to remember about 'You" by in the afterlife.  How You remember those last moments, again, are all about You.

    I'm sorry if that sounds harsh and uncaring.  It isn't meant that way.  If you think about it though, it is true.  You will still be living.  You will remember those last moments.  You hope they will remember You in the afterlife.

    Say and do what comes from your heart.  You will live with it for the rest of Your life.  Say whatever you would like and mean it. This post was edited by Merlin at July 26, 2017 7:49 AM MDT
      July 25, 2017 11:58 PM MDT
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  • 17364

    I told my mother-in-law that, if it was OK with her I would like to be close to her right now or something like that.  I thanked her for many things and all she had meant to me in my life.  We talked about some funny stories  and memories.  She cried about not being here for my girls' weddings and great grandchildren.   She told me she was ready to go and I told her I was not ready.  I was very honest.    You know me.....................
    I still miss her.


    This post was edited by Thriftymaid at July 26, 2017 2:30 PM MDT
      July 26, 2017 12:53 AM MDT
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  • 6477
    Looks like you have had some truly fabulous answers already.. it's at times like this that this site truly amazes me - the depth of understanding, caring and insight among some of the people here is truly a gift and a joy. 

    I didn't really have a good answer, I don't know - I wish I did. All I could think of was Princess Diana. She had a way of cutting through all the things that scare us and hold us back when it comes to dying etc.  I watched a tv doc the other night.. 20 years on from her death with her sons speaking about her. She wasn't perfect but she definitely had a gift for reaching out to people, young or old and making them feel better.
      July 26, 2017 2:37 AM MDT
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  • 22891
    i would let them do the talking and just listen
      July 26, 2017 1:50 PM MDT
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