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Benedict Arnold

Is this a common experience among highly successful women professionals?

After steadfastly refusing marriage and children in favour of my own career advancement, I, at close to 46 and at the fag end of my reproductive life, am craving for my own child. I so often fantasise being a mother of twin boys of 20+. How I wish it were real! 
Do other professional women experience this trauma of deeply regretting their decision to forgo motherhood in their youth? 

Posted - September 20, 2017
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Responses


  • 6126
    I think some do.  

    I was like you regarding my career.   I didn't have children for a variety of reasons, none of which I'll get into here.  Once in a while, I think about it and wish I had them.  Then, I see what some of my friends are going through and I'm grateful I didn't.

    Neelie, you could always adopt if you really have the desire to have children.
      September 20, 2017 7:52 PM MDT
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  • I'm too old to adopt. Besides,  I'm not married. 
      September 20, 2017 9:23 PM MDT
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  • 2327
    Well you can't have your cake and eat it. But adoption is always a possibility, and they will favor couples who can financially provide for them well.   
      September 20, 2017 8:09 PM MDT
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  • I'm too old to adopt. Besides,  I'm not married. 
      September 20, 2017 9:23 PM MDT
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  • 46117
    I think dreaming of twin boys is not a maternal desire.  It is a selfish desire and a fantasy.

    You have some empty hole that needs filling and kids are not the answer. You are feeling this way because the choice has now been TAKEN from you.

    Think about this.  If you are a mother, nothing can stop that wish from manifesting... If you are so well off, adopt.  There is some baby right now that needs you.  IF you want to be unselfish and stop dreaming of some insane fantasy of two gorgeous twin 20 year olds.  That sounds very dysfunctional.

    First of all, it can't be done.  Unless you want twin zygotes implanted in your uterus made to order.

    And then?  How do you know they won't be born with cystic fibrosis.  That's what happened to my girlfriend when she just had to have her own kids and kept forcing her poor uterus to obey.  She kept getting eggs implanted and that is what she got for her trouble.  Twins.  With cystic fibrosis.

    So?  Thank your lucky stars for all you have achieved and buy a kid that is waiting for a mom.

    I just read that you think you are too old to adopt.  You are single.  Well, I know a lot of rich single ladies that are too old to bear a child that adopted.  You just don't get a nice white baby.  You get one of color.  Or a baby from a 3rd world country.

    Motherhood is not for the faint of heart and it is not about getting.  It is about giving.  That is the gift.  This post was edited by WM BARR . =ABSOLUTE TRASH at September 21, 2017 11:09 AM MDT
      September 20, 2017 9:59 PM MDT
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  • Yes, Sharonna, I do feel a certain void in my life, and I blame myself for the wrong decisions I took in my youth for what appeared then to me as the right reasons. I let go of several marriage proposals that came my way between 23 and 27, one particularly excellent from an extremely good family. Now I'm paying for what I realise was my folly.

    I see nothing dysfunctional in my fantasy of being a mother of two 20+ twin boys, for that's the way I wish my life had been. I'm not at all keen on adopting another woman's child, although I do have the financial means to do it. Call me selfish if it pleases you, but what I regret is the pleasure of actual motherhood rather than "adoptive motherhood", by carrying my own child and bringing it up with all the love I could give. At my present age I have no intention of wasting my time and energy, when I have better ways to employ them.

    I did want to adopt my late very close friend Indyla's (of AnswerBag, if you recall her) son as my own after she passed away three years ago, but the agency refused me that opportunity on the ground that I wasn't married. 

    This post was edited by Benedict Arnold at September 22, 2017 3:01 AM MDT
      September 21, 2017 11:08 AM MDT
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  • 46117
    Okay.  Now that I had the nerve to do that to a sweet, darling woman, I must confess why.   I am pissed off at me, not you.

    I don't want you to remain the way I was when I did things for all the wrong reasons.  I was WAY worse than you and the fear and guilt I harbor must shine through even though I try and come to terms with it.

    I see all kinds of mistakes I have made, so please know, I would never judge you.  You did nothing wrong.  You just seem like you are thinking along a path that leads to sad and nowhere.

    I was there, I don't want to see someone like you go that route.  You have too much to offer.  You are a very giving person.  To talk to you brings a lot of happy to my heart.  I can see lots of things you can do and share that would probably bring you joy.  The fact that you are highly successful lends me to think you are very driven towards the positive.  That is a foundation to build a lot of great things to create.

    To me longing for motherhood is our feminine selves longing to CREATE something.  Or maybe it's just what I do.  I had a child.  She is a great person, but thanks to me, had a sad, screwed-up childhood.  I will never forgive myself for ignoring her as I went on my merry way dating and partying just so I did not miss a thing in my 20's.   So, I am not judging you at all.  Compared to me, you are Mother Theresa.
      September 21, 2017 11:14 AM MDT
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  • I know I'll have to carry that emptiness for the rest of my life, which hopefully would be another 30 years. I've been overcome by this feeling of missed motherhood only in the last year or so, when I've begun to realise that I threw away my youth in the pursuit of position and material happiness, both of which I've achieved, at the cost of my most important role as a woman, that of procreation and nurture.

    That's my personal history, which cannot be changed, but only borne with the hope that this feeling of despair will pass with time. At present, though, every time I see a mother of around my age with her child of around 20, I feel a sharp pang in my heart as I think: "This could have been me." This post was edited by Benedict Arnold at September 22, 2017 3:02 AM MDT
      September 21, 2017 11:25 AM MDT
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  • 46117
    You don't have to carry a thing.  Let that story GO.  I brush it away.  I AM AWARE of it now.  That it is just a story that is laden with guilt and I chose to think about it this way and feel about it this way.  When I get to that place?  It has no power over me at all.

    I am not a bad mother.  I am a good person.  My daughter loves me.  Having her was not the gift I was promised.  It was a gift I learned to earn.  You have one door closed so that all the others can open for you that other mothers will never get to know.  And trust me, most mothers are not the ones we dream of being.  A lot of them should have had their tubes tied.  So, you are free to live the rest of your life giving and getting in different ways.

    Many would envy that choice.  It is all you have so play it and live it to the hilt. 

    (I WISH FOR YOU)

      September 21, 2017 11:42 AM MDT
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  • A hug for you Sharonna from me.
      September 21, 2017 7:51 PM MDT
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  • 7919
    Hmm... I just looked up the laws and it says single women between 30-50 are allowed to adopt, but single men are not. Did the laws recently change?
      September 21, 2017 1:37 AM MDT
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  • 1371
    Seems that there exists quite some prejudice against a single male adopting; however, I can't say I don't, at least partially, understand whence the skepticism and trepidation.

    I've wanted to be a good father pretty much ever since I can remember, yet as someone who is relatively reclusive and critical (and therefore finds it difficult to meet a potential partner) I was hoping adoption might one day be an option. Thanks for bringing the additional factor into consideration.
      September 21, 2017 4:30 AM MDT
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  • 7919
    I'm not sure where you're based, but I was referencing laws where Neelie is. Where I am, single men can adopt. The process is the same for men and women. There are no age or marital requirements. The state only makes you prove you can care for the child. 

    I just looked at your profile, and it appears you're not based in the same place as either Neelie or me. However, it seems gender and relationship status are not part of the laws where you live either. I don't know if there is any prejudice there, where you might have a harder time adopting, but it is legal. And, if that's where your heart is, I think you should pursue it. 
      September 21, 2017 3:45 PM MDT
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  • 46117
    I"m assuming you mean the laws in Arizona.  I have no idea.  I know gay men can adopt a child when they are married.

    So, if they divorce, technically a single man would have that child.  But, again, that is after the fact.

      September 21, 2017 11:16 AM MDT
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  • 7919
    No, I'm talking about the laws in the country where Neelie is. 
      September 21, 2017 3:38 PM MDT
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  • I didn't look up the laws. I simply went by what the agency told me. Anyway, the boy has a good home now. And in a sense I'm relieved it didn't work out with me.  This post was edited by Benedict Arnold at September 21, 2017 7:54 PM MDT
      September 21, 2017 7:52 PM MDT
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  • 19942
    Not having children was not a conscious decision - it was the result of not having a husband.  I'm old-fashioned enough to believe that you get married, then have children.  I often wondered if I would regret not being a mom, but at the ripe old age of 72, I am close enough with my nieces and nephews and their offspring to not miss motherhood. 
      September 21, 2017 10:08 AM MDT
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  • 6098
    Though I might be considered a "successful woman professional" I have never thought of myself as a "career woman".  I just happen to have a very good job that I lucked into, stayed with and grew with, that eventually paid me certainly more than I feel I am worth.  Did not set a career path but only wanted to earn enough I would not have to be totally dependent on anyone.  Because I learned men come to despise women completely dependent on them.  Always just assumed I would have children and always wanted the security of marriage.  But did not want to be that tied down when young because I wanted to go places, do things, hang out, see things, experience things. The first close relationship where I assumed marriage ended with, as I said, his hating me and resenting me.  I was 26. The second I was 40 and after a couple of years I just realized I could never be what he wanted me to be. After which for a decade I gave up on even thinking about marriage. Because I knew I could not be faithful to anyone which is what I assumed most men wanted. 

    I had an abortion when I was 19 which I deeply regret.  I was pregnant at least five other times - a couple of times in relationships - but was never able to carry them to term, in fact not beyond three months.  I think because I was weakened by all the drugs I did between the ages of 14 and 25.  I had hope though my greatest fear was being a mother my children would resent and even hate.  I didn't marry until I found the right person and by then I was 53.

    I can relate to what you say about seeing mothers with their children. Especially daughters.  And there is something about that which makes me feel anyone who has children is superior to me at least in terms of womanhood.  My husband has two lovely grown daughters and I just love them to bits, as I do my ( so far) one step grandchild.  But they are really more friends than family and though we have at times become close in the end they have a mother. 

    So though not a "trauma" really it is a potential part of me I recognixe as missing, that I missed out on. 

    I don't think I knew Indyla (Indira) had a child. 
      September 22, 2017 7:29 AM MDT
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