Discussion»Questions»Family» Have you ever been disowned by a family member? What personality trait would you attribute to someone who feels they can do this?
I haven't been one-sidedly disowned, but you could say I and my family mutually disowned each other. The word I would attribute to them is delusional, since they don't believe they did anything wrong. And the word I attribute to myself is cold, because even though I don't regret cutting them out of my life, and I was absolutely right to do it, it does take a cold person to be able to ignore the good times, which there were. I think most people with families who are abusive or negligent have too much forgiveness in them to ever burn that bridge, they have a few nice memories and they can't bring themselves to hurt someone who once taught them how to ride a bike. I've never been a very forgiving person, if you do enough s**t to me, I don't care if you're my mother or my father or my sister, I won't stay because we shared a few laughs. I think people would be a lot happier if they didn't use the excuse of "well they're my family" and allowed themselves a little coldness. But then again am I really happy?
This post was edited by bigloseridiotman at March 13, 2019 11:27 PM MDT
I can totally relate to this. It really hits HOME, which is where your heart is or was. How can you be happy when you don't understand their behavior or what led up to it? And how can you forgive them if they don't have a clue as to what they've done? They probably think they're right, and rationalize their behavior until they believe it. Personally, I feel better having moved on - or as much as I can, since, like you said, there were good times. But those good times are gone. It's time for making better memories. Thank you very much for your heart-felt and insightful answer!
Whoops, I forgot to bleep that s word. But you're welcome! And thank you for your positive sentiment of moving on, as you said "it's time for making better memories".
In a sense. My mother wanted me to be a beauty just like her but when I turned out plain and awkward and tongue-tied she both blamed me and herself and after I left home (when I was 17) she took that as a complete rejection of everything that was dear to her so really she never had a good word to say to me the rest of her life. Though I would visit and try to be friendly. My father was an disappointed alcoholic who loved me because I was his "little girl" but otherwise was distant because he had no idea how to relate to me besides spoiling me.
I do think that people can do what they want and if they choose to reject or disown us they must have their reasons. Who are we to question or second guess the decisions of others? We simply must learn to live with those decisions and make do as best we can. Otherwise we only end up blaming them which is bad for us.
Your answer is interesting. I don't quite look at it the same way you do, but I like to see other people's perspectives. Personally, I feel that if someone disowns you, that means they must think they owned you to begin with. I don't understand the mindset of someone who thinks they own you. You own a pet, a car, a house... But to think you own another person? Do you think it could be a narcissistic personality trait?
Well I think what it is dear is they are dealing mostly in what is most comfortable for them which I guess to some degree is natural so the way they interact with you would reflect that. Some people feel the more they are able to control the more power they have which makes them feel good about themselves. But then you would not exist if it were not for your parents so in that sense you are part of them while you are living with them. You follow their rules then you move out and get your own place and make your own rules. They are paying the bills so if you don't appreciate that you are not being very realistic. But I don't think most people really think in terms of ownership. I don't think my parents would have thought they owned me. But quite naturally parents will have hopes and dreams for their children (which might more express their own hopes and dreams for themselves!) and they will very naturally be disappointed when a child does not fulfill those dreams. Which of course is very common. Also in a community at least the way it once was your children reflected your standing in the community so if we would misbehave it reflected back on our parents and they were very concerned about that because that was very important to them.
So to "disown" I think more in terms of cutting children off - like the message is OK we can't so anything for you so you are on your own. Also in terms of cutting them off from inheriting anything. Which I was never disowned in that sense. So when my mother died her estate which included the profits from the sale of my father's company was divided among the three of us children.
Baba 