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What do you really suck at doing?

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Posted - August 8, 2019

Responses


  • 17364
    Learning another language.

    Snow skiing.

    Pool.

    Political correctness.
      August 8, 2019 7:30 PM MDT
    7

  • 22853
    I really suck at "not overthinking."

    I want to avoid overthinking my life/my circumstances/everything but I fail a lot of the time. Yet, I'm progressing in that area and I give myself credit.


    This post was edited by WelbyQuentin at August 9, 2019 1:02 PM MDT
      August 8, 2019 7:37 PM MDT
    8

  • 4631
    People often tell me I'm too much in my head, think too much, or over-think.

    What does "over-thinking" mean?
    What is the evidence?
    What are the results?
      August 8, 2019 7:52 PM MDT
    6

  • 22853
    I guess I can only share my 'take' on what I call my overthinking.

    I can sometimes overanalyze -- "why'd they do that? What'd they mean by that?" And i read into things that are not even related to me - - 

    but, I guess ,other terms have been given to these "distorted thinking patterns" -- that's not a term I amde up  but I agree with it -- "personalization"

    PART TWO, ha!

    After that weak attempt there to answer your questions, here is what I'll share instead - -

    "15 Styles of Distorted Thinking" -- years ago, after seeing these, and realizing I had spent a lot of my life thinking in some of these ways, and then becoming aware, I then started to progress to a much healthier frame of mind/thinking. Falling into these distorted ways of thinking was, in some ways, "my" way of overthinking. I still choose to fall into some of these ways of thinking, but I am now much quicker at realizing when I'm doing it and much quicker at stopping.
    I hope this makes, at the least, some sort of sense.
    :)


    15 Styles of Distorted Thinking

    1. Filtering: You take the negative details and magnify them, while filtering out all positive aspects of a situation. A single detail may be picked out, and the whole event becomes colored by this detail. When you pull negative things out of context, isolated from all the good experiences around you, you make them larger and more awful than they really are.
    2. Polarized Thinking: The hallmark of this distortion is an insistence on dichotomous choices. Things are black or white, good or bad. You tend to perceive everything at the extremes, with very little room for a middle ground. The greatest danger in polarized thinking is its impact on how you judge yourself. For example-You have to be perfect or you're a failure.
    3. Overgeneralization: You come to a general conclusion based on a single incident or piece of evidence. If something bad happens once, you expect it to happen over and over again. 'Always' and 'never' are cues that this style of thinking is being utilized. This distortion can lead to a restricted life, as you avoid future failures based on the single incident or event.
    4. Mind Reading: Without their saying so, you know what people are feeling and why they act the way they do. In particular, you are able to divine how people are feeling toward you. Mind reading depends on a process called projection. You imagine that people feel the same way you do and react to things the same way you do. Therefore, you don't watch or listen carefully enough to notice that they are actually different. Mind readers jump to conclusions that are true for them, without checking whether they are true for the other person.
    5. Catastrophizing: You expect disaster. You notice or hear about a problem and start "what if's." What if that happens to me? What if tragedy strikes? There are no limits to a really fertile catastrophic imagination. An underlying catalyst for this style of thinking is that you do not trust in yourself and your capacity to adapt to change.
    6. Personalization: This is the tendency to relate everything around you to yourself. For example, thinking that everything people do or say is some kind of reaction to you. You also compare yourself to others, trying to determine who's smarter, better looking, etc. The underlying assumption is that your worth is in question. You are therefore continually forced to test your value as a person by measuring yourself against others. If you come out better, you get a moment's relief. If you come up short, you feel diminished. The basic thinking error is that you interpret each experience, each conversation, each look as a clue to your worth and value.
    7. Control Fallacies: There are two ways you can distort your sense of power and control. If you feel externally controlled, you see yourself as helpless, a victim of fate. The fallacy of internal control has you responsible for the pain and happiness of everyone around you. Feeling externally controlled keeps you stuck. You don't believe you can really affect the basic shape of your life, let alone make any difference in the world. The truth of the matter is that we are constantly making decisions, and that every decision affects our lives. On the other hand, the fallacy of internal control leaves you exhausted as you attempt to fill the needs of everyone around you, and feel responsible in doing so (and guilty when you cannot).
    8. Fallacy of Fairness: You feel resentful because you think you know what's fair, but other people won't agree with you. Fairness is so conveniently defined, so temptingly self-serving, that each person gets locked into his or her own point of view. It is tempting to make assumptions about how things would change if people were only fair or really valued you. But the other person hardly ever sees it that way, and you end up causing yourself a lot of pain and an ever-growing resentment.
    9. Blaming: You hold other people responsible for your pain, or take the other tack and blame yourself for every problem. Blaming often involves making someone else responsible for choices and decisions that are actually our own responsibility. In blame systems, you deny your right (and responsibility) to assert your needs, say no, or go elsewhere for what you want.
    10. Shoulds: You have a list of ironclad rules about how you and other people should act. People who break the rules anger you, and you feel guilty if you violate the rules. The rules are right and indisputable and, as a result, you are often in the position of judging and finding fault (in yourself and in others). Cue words indicating the presence of this distortion are should, ought, and must.
    11. Emotional Reasoning: You believe that what you feel must be true-automatically. If you feel stupid or boring, then you must be stupid and boring. If you feel guilty, then you must have done something wrong. The problem with emotional reasoning is that our emotions interact and correlate with our thinking process. Therefore, if you have distorted thoughts and beliefs, your emotions will reflect these distortions.
    12. Fallacy of Change: You expect that other people will change to suit you if you just pressure or cajole them enough. You need to change people because your hopes for happiness seem to depend entirely on them. The truth is the only person you can really control or have much hope of changing is yourself. The underlying assumption of this thinking style is that your happiness depends on the actions of others. Your happiness actually depends on the thousands of large and small choices you make in your life.
    13. Global Labeling: You generalize one or two qualities (in yourself or others) into a negative global judgment. Global labeling ignores all contrary evidence, creating a view of the world that can be stereotyped and one-dimensional. Labeling yourself can have a negative and insidious impact upon your self-esteem; while labeling others can lead to snap-judgments, relationship problems, and prejudice.
    14. Being Right: You feel continually on trial to prove that your opinions and actions are correct. Being wrong is unthinkable and you will go to any length to demonstrate your rightness. Having to be 'right' often makes you hard of hearing. You aren't interested in the possible veracity of a differing opinion, only in defending your own. Being right becomes more important than an honest and caring relationship.
    15. Heaven's Reward Fallacy: You expect all your sacrifice and self-denial to pay off, as if there were someone keeping score. You fell bitter when the reward doesn't come as expected. The problem is that while you are always doing the 'right thing,' if your heart really isn't in it, you are physically and emotionally depleting yourself.

    *From Thoughts & Feelings by McKay, Davis, & Fanning. New Harbinger, 1981. These styles of thinking (or cognitive distortions) were gleaned from the work of several authors, including Albert Ellis, Aaron Beck, and David Burns, among others.



      August 8, 2019 8:04 PM MDT
    5

  • 4631
    This was so good that I copied it to a folder of resources on my laptop.
    I'll buy the book.
    Thank you. :)

    I had quite a bit of that kind of thinking running my life
    from about the teenage years through to my early thirties
    when I got into therapy and the CoDA 12 steps program.
    Other huge helps for me have been
    M Scott-Peck's "The Road Less Travelled,"
    Vipassana Meditation, 
    and Marshal Rosenburg's "Non-Violent Communication".

    The old thought habits still crop up now and again, especially if I'm overtired or stressed -
    but for the most part, they no longer dominate my life -
    an incredible liberation.
    It literally feels free of entrapment within myself.
    When I make mistakes the majority are easy to fix.

    I'm also grateful that you shared the above because
    it helps me know you a little better.
    Have always sensed you were somewhat enigmatic,
    couldn't get much of a sense of the inner you.

    I wonder, do you regard yourself as a shy person? This post was edited by inky at August 9, 2019 1:02 PM MDT
      August 8, 2019 8:36 PM MDT
    4

  • 22853
    CoDA 12 Steps -- maybe we were at some of the same meetings. :)
    Been there, done that. And progressing on through and onward, yes. :)
    Melody Beattie's "Codependent No More" book helped/helps me a lot.

    I've not read the other books you mentioned. I'd benefit, I'd bet, in looking into them.

    The original list I had of these distorted thinking patterns were not quite so "detailed" as this one here. In my copy, it's maybe only the first two or three sentences used under each style. The extra details, in some ways, to me, seem to overstep the case. But, most likely, it's only because I am so familiar with the list as I first saw it and have read it and kept it over the years.

    I can relate to everything you've said here. Thank you.

    It's funny - and sort of cool -- that you used the word "enigmatic" about me. You're not the first. In fact, after going through my teenage-years of education with me up through graduation -- several years after graduating, a close male friend shared with me, (I'm paraphrasing) "You know? You were always an enigma to me. I mean that in a good way. I could never quite figure you out and it made you all the more interesting to me."

    I'm not saying you find me really interesting or anything, it's just that this friend -- and others in my adult life - - have used that same word about me.

    I don't try to be elusive or anything. But, yes, deep down, I would consider myself shy, which surprises me in some ways because a large part of my life requires me to be around and with and in front of people. And I consider myself effective in those areas, I guess, but I am surprised at myself a bit.
    :)
      August 8, 2019 9:05 PM MDT
    4

  • 4631
    My shyness had, I think, two roots.
    One was family - both my parents were unconventional in many ways.
    And neither of them was skilful at their relationship with each other - frequent and awful quarrels - a running enmity.
    Mum was the most affected - painfully shy. She learned a way of asking others about themselves so she never had to reveal herself. Deep down, she believed that if anyone really knew her, they wouldn't like her. In that way, she never gave them a chance.
    Dad was an intellectual, creative, inventive type - a bit of a freak. He knew it and didn't mind or expect people to like him - but with the few that did, he created long-lasting and fairly deep friendships.
    All that meant that I had not much clue about how to relate when I started kindergarten.

    Cause two - I quickly became the butt of the bullies at primary school.
    I learned how to keep away, hide, spend my time in books and drawing.
    The more I stayed away, the less I learned.
    Until at around 11 during the summer holidays, reflecting, I realised my mistakes.
    The following year, I began experimenting with different ways of responding,
    and slowly began to learn.
    But the emotional scars stayed.
    To this day, I feel ill at ease in large groups of people - especially the loose type where there is no facilitator.

    I guess you would have heard the phrase, "fake it till you make it."
    I guess that's what I do - except a kinder way of putting it is, "practise till the new way becomes part of who one is."
    Sounds very similar to the journey you describe. :)

    Do I like you? - yes - because I love honesty.
    If I remember rightly, you're gay.
    I'm a het. married 63 yr-old female.
    I think you might be Christian and conservative - which would make us opposite in many things -
    though I could be wrong about that.
    Anyway - I prefer to keep an open mind,
    and I quite like to discuss different points of view,
    especially to understand how and why others think as they do.
    I imagine you're possibly mature in years.

      August 8, 2019 9:35 PM MDT
    4

  • 22853
    Thanks, bookworm.
    Getting ready to go to work, but quickly, Christian, gay, yes.
    As far as politics, I don't know where I am. But I would not label myself conservative, especially under the current presidency and in comparison to others I see who consider themselves conservative (a lot of people in my area call themselves conservative). 

      August 9, 2019 6:40 AM MDT
    4

  • 4631
    Not far-right conservative.
    Maybe somewhere near the mid-point between "left" and "right" -
    maybe a thinker about each issue?
      August 10, 2019 3:57 AM MDT
    1

  • 22853
    I'd like "to think I think" about everything, yes.
    ;)

    For a while I was intrigued with the Libertarian Party. I still like a lot of their stuff. But I truly don't think too hard about where I would label myself politically.
    :)


      August 15, 2019 4:17 PM MDT
    1

  • 4631

    It's rare to meet an American who sometimes votes for a party other than the Dems or Reps.
    If a significant number got in and the balance of power was weak, they could easily swing the vote on many issues.
    I looked up the Libertarians and found their policies are in the middle between the two majors.
    And they support gay rights.

    I'm guessing you would like to see Trump out at the next election, yes?

    What's your view of the policies of the Greens?
      August 16, 2019 3:36 PM MDT
    1

  • 22853
    I haven't researched much on the Greens.

    I would very much desire to see Trump out in the next election. I fear he might remain, though. Regardless of what he may get done in his job, his (to me) immature and childish behavior and immature and childish language/remarks/the-never-ending, dare-I-say-stupid tweets are simply unworthy of the important role he holds.

    I am fully aware I'm name-calling. And that would be a self-disclosure I've yet to hear him admit about himself, though we almost daily hear him do it.

    I'm sorry it took me this log to respond to your questions. I've failed to respond to many past comments from people.
      August 25, 2019 3:44 PM MDT
    0

  • 22853
    (and thanks for a Pick!)

    :)


      August 9, 2019 10:46 AM MDT
    1

  • Sports. Conversing. Adulting.
      August 8, 2019 7:44 PM MDT
    5

  • 4631
    Edward de Bono's book, How to Have a Beautiful Mind, is a great guide to how to be a good conversationalist.

    If you like, I can offer a few tips.
    People tell me I'm an awesome conversationalist,
    but for me, it never came naturally.
    I had to learn.
      August 8, 2019 7:55 PM MDT
    3

  • 44175
    What is adulting?
      August 9, 2019 8:05 AM MDT
    1

  • 52903
      It’s being an adult. 

    ~
      August 9, 2019 8:18 AM MDT
    1

  • 7776
    Pick something. I'm sure I suck at it. This post was edited by Zack at August 9, 2019 1:03 PM MDT
      August 8, 2019 7:54 PM MDT
    4

  • 22853
    You don't suck at being nice to me.
    :)
      August 8, 2019 8:08 PM MDT
    4

  • 7776
    We both know why I do that don't we?;-)
      August 8, 2019 8:21 PM MDT
    4

  • 22853
    Be still, my heart, ha!
    :)

    And I'm also so damn nice in the first place, ha!
    :)
      August 8, 2019 8:29 PM MDT
    5

  • 10449
    Socializing 
      August 8, 2019 8:43 PM MDT
    5

  • 22853
    Based upon many of your posts, I think I would enjoy your company.
    :)
      August 8, 2019 9:06 PM MDT
    4

  • 16197
    Dancing. I have three left feet.
      August 8, 2019 9:27 PM MDT
    7