I'm living w/my parents right now and I am unsure how to act or go about the situation.... most days I say nothing to them if I can. My mother has been manic, belittling, violent, all my life- I have anxiety and PTSD symptoms from her aggression/abuse, the things she has said is almost borderline evil to do or say to your own flesh and blood. My dad is an alcoholic and bipolar and will physically come at me/hit me, even as an adult, if I even defend myself to her awful words or accusations. I don't know whether to continue to not say anything to them or even go completely silent; even answering any of their questions makes me feel low or like I have no self esteem even more.. I'm trying to get enough funds to move out but its been VERY hard when I haven't even thought myself human, confident or capable (even though I'm prob. the most responsible adult I know.. ) Would you go silent w/them until you can get out, or would you ever call authorities if they came at you again?
Do you have a sibling that is out of the house, a friend, a relative that will take you in? You say you are an adult, so it's too bad you don't feel you can stand up for yourself. Does anyone else know what goes on at home? It's too bad you didn't seek help when you were younger. (I am assuming you did not) The authorities would have had you removed from the house, and surely placed somewhere where you'd be safe and much happier.
If not speaking to your parents keeps you safer, then it's the right thing to do. You should call the authorities, if you are not too afraid of the wrath of your parents, for doing so. More would have been done when you were a minor. It may be your word against theirs, that anything harmful or illegal is happening. The fact that you are an adult may cause the authorities to want to not get too involved, unfortunately.
Are you getting help for your PTSD and anxiety? You need to get some self esteem. Please seek help, if you are not getting any. Do not allow your parents to win. Good luck!
First, I would not stay in that house for one second.
I'd pack my bags and go to a Salvation Army Hostel today, now.
From there I would look for a room in a share-house, or a free room or granny-flat as a house-sitter/caretaker.
If you have no income, find a place that will accept a specific number of hours of voluntary labour, eg housekeeping or gardening.
It has been several months now since your first posts on this issue, and I'm not sure exactly what steps you have been taking to prepare to leave.
If fear is the main thing stopping you, then it is also the main reason not to let it stop you. When we give in to fear in that way, it keeps us stuck and prevents us from doing what we most need to do. One must feel the fear and go ahead and make the move anyway. Most times, it turns out that the thing we fear is far more manageable than we imagined.
If you still choose to stay, I recommend Randi Kreger's book "The Essential Family Guide to Borderline Personality Disorder."
The following are Randi's tips:
1. Be realistic. You will not eliminate another person's borderline behavior, no matter how well you communicate. Your goal is simply to communicate in a way that respects you and the person with borderline personality disorder (BP).
2. Leave if necessary. You do not have to tolerate physical threats or emotional or verbal abuse.
3. Simplify. When speaking with a BP, especially about sensitive issues, remember emotion is likely to be so strong that neither of you can do high-level thinking. Make each sentence short, simple, and direct. Leave no room for misinterpretation.
4. Separate the person from the behavior. Make it clear to the BP that when you dislike behavior, you do not dislike the person. You may have to reinforce this often.
5. Address feelings before facts. In ordinary conversation, we put facts before feelings. We assess facts and react with our feelings to them. But people with BPD often reverse this process. They have certain feelings—such as the fear that a partner will abandon them—and so they change the facts to match their feelings.
For example, their partner isn't going to the grocery store; he is walking out on the relationship. A non-BP confronted with that accusation may want to try to point out the facts (he's taking a grocery list, there is no food in the refrigerator, or so on), but in the BP's emotional state, that will be irrelevant. Instead, the non-BP may get farther by acknowledging an empathizing the BP's feelings (not facts) rather than discounting them. Then the non-BP can insert her reality.
For example, "You sound really upset. I would be upset too if I thought you were walking away forever. However (however is better than "but") I'm just going to the store and I'll be back in an hour."
6. Keep focusing on your message. Ignore the BP's attacks or threats or attempts to change the subject. Stay calm and reiterate your point. If you're feeling attacked, calmly say that things are getting too hot and you'll be back in an hour. Then leave.
7. Ask questions. Turn the problem over to the other person. Ask for alternative solutions, by saying, for example, "Where do you think we should go from here?" Or "I'm not able to say yes, and you seem to really want me to. How can we solve this problem?"
8. Remember the importance of timing. There are good times and bad times to bring up certain subjects. An incident that may make the BP feel particularly vulnerable—the loss of a job, for example—could lead him or her to feel rejected, abandoned or invalidated. Your conversation is likely to be a lot more difficult. Postpone it if you can, or at least take into account the BP's greater vulnerability at this time.
9. In the midst of an intense conversation that is escalating and unproductive, practice Delay, Distract, Depersonalize, and Detach.
Delay. Tell the other person, "Why don't we think about things and talk about this later?" or "Give me some time to think about what you're saying." Speak calmly and in a way that affirms the other person as well as yourself, without necessarily confirming their claims: "I'm feeling upset right now. Your feelings are important to me and I need some time to understand them."
Distract. Suggest, for instance, that the two of you run an errand together.
Depersonalize. Throughout, you will do better if you remind yourself frequently that the BP's harsh criticism of you is not real, but still feels very real to that person. Don't take the other person's comments personally, however cutting or cruel they may feel to you. This is the nature of the disorder.
Detach. Remove yourself emotionally from getting caught up in the emotional whirlwind. Resolve to yourself, "I'm not going to get so involved in this."
This is especially true not just in moments of high negativity, but in moments of high positive emotions. Impulsivity is a key trait of people with BPD, and while it can show up in negative actions—like throwing something through a window or telling you you're a monster and he never wants to see you again—it can also show up in positive actions: Telling you she adores you and wants to get married, right now or tomorrow. A BP's positive impulsivity can be very seductive. Detaching yourself can help you guard against it.
The emotional cycle that a person with BPD goes through can be compared to a row of dominos. One trigger, one push of the first domino, and the entire row falls in rapid succession. Your job is to try to remove your own "domino" from the row. You can also learn what makes the dominos fall. Pay attention to your experiences and anticipate ways to keep things calm. If you can calm yourself, the adrenaline doesn't flow through your system, and you can begin to try to steer the volatile relationship into less stormy seas.
It may help if you remind yourself, "I can't help that person's splitting. I can't help that person's shame. I can't help that person's fear. I can't control those things. What I can control is how I respond. And if I respond calmly, not impulsively, perhaps I can lower the temperature and help us find new ways to respond to each other and manage the BPD."
This doesn't mean caving in, however. Simply adopting a "whatever you say, dear" is not good for your own mental health, and it's not good for the person with BPD, either.
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To help cope with living with a drunk, join Al-Anon and/or Co-Dependents Anonymous (it's free.) When your father is drunk, either leave the house or lock yourself in your bedroom. The next morning when he's grumpy and hung-over, don't argue over any negative or critical statements - use the same tips as above.
For dealing with your father's bi-polar fluctuations, look up "bipolarcargivers.org" One essential thing is whether or not your father is willing to co-operate with doctors in monitoring his lithium levels and in the matter of medications. If he's missed a med it might be as simple as reminding him. A young adult daughter should not have to be her father's caregiver in this way - but given the constant burden this would be on your mother, it would still be useful to know the techniques. There's a lot of helpful stuff there. If he becomes violent and is threatening lives, call police or ambulance.
Benedict Arnold 