Discussion»Questions»Relationships» We have a few friends/family members whose exes are unnecessarily difficult and very mean. What causes mean? DNA/genes?
Because the ex had a much larger investment in the relationship than some random person you meet on the street.
If some random stranger calls you a rapscallion, do you have ANY interest in doing much more than simply ignoring the stranger?
On the other hand, if your Ex tells mutual family/friends what a rapscallion you are, that is both a much larger threat to your self-regard, and has potential real-world consquences (e.g. Cousin Martha might not invite you over for Thanksgiving dinner and her wonderful bean cassarole anymore). Suddenly, another person's mean behavior MATTERS. So you justifiably respond in kind...at least, according to your own perspective....;-D...
I thought about you for a sec when I wrote this. I have many friends that have horrid exes (NOT YOU) that are out to cause havoc any chance they can benefit. So, OS, this is not meant to imply that exes are good and the rest of the kith and kin are not. I know what trash talking occurs when one party or both is hurting. I know.
But this is more regarding my relatives than any man I have loved. I have never seen people stoop so low as those that have my very blood. And their stock in trade is gossip and outright LIES.
I am suffering plenty due to exes, but not the ex-boyfriends. My betrayers are in my family itself. Not people I chose to love. There is nothing so petty as those who glom on to the wrong "side" to defend, because it is more convenient to do so. That is what seems to encourage gossip in my circle of troublemakers. And the head manipulator is usually some type of EX, be it ex friend, ex-love or ex-brother in my case.
His DNA did contain the gene of alcoholism. Maybe that can be blamed.
I think the same principle applies. If the behavior of a random stranger disappoints you, you get over it quickly because people in general suck.
If the behavior of a child/parent/sibling disappoints you, it's a reflection upon YOU. That's YOUR child who is misbehaving, or that's YOUR parent who is being a narcissistic jerk, or YOUR sibling who has fallen off the path of Good and Right.
Perhaps where this interacts with Exes is an Ex does get drawn into those dynamics, and can manipulate those dynamics in defense of his/her own self-regard. Hence, the Ex has an incentive to blame the failed relationship on The Other's wacky family and screwed up interactions, not upon anything the Ex did to create problems.
Yep. Yep and yep. Totally agree. This answer to this question kind of bifurcated. The original answer was directed at Rosie's question (even though she never reads me, other people do and she provides such an interesting platform I cannot resist getting on these questions of hers).
But then when you answered in this manner, I kind of veered in another direction entirely. I see the ex as someone who is kind of a scapegoat themself because the EX had the nerve to leave the "fold of in-law". But in-law is not always about protecting the relative either. Sometimes the in-laws of the ex find it convenient to believe side X. It supports their initial idea about their relative. They want to believe that the blood relative is the lazy, stupid, screw-up just like they always thought in the first place. It does not cost them a thing to take this position. So, why not? That nightmare happens as well.
So, I agree with you, I am just providing 2 additional examples of what could occur here.
Oh and finally, there is the horrid ex that deserves every mean thing heaped upon him because of all the mean that the ex dumped on the victim in the first place. Everyone has heard or experienced the ex from hell. I have friends that had those. I hope I learn from them and yet I am related to something even worse in ways.
WM BARR . =ABSOLUTE TRASH 