The tour guide was rather friendly, which surprised me. You'd expect a bit more aggression from the staff of hell. The shuttle passed purgatory, and came to a stop. "Please mind the fire pit between the shuttle and platform." yipped the tannoy, as we left the shuttle. The heat was surprisingly pleasant in the visitor room, it felt like stepping into a sauna. "If you would turn your attention to the gift shop..." pointed out the tour guide, idly waving a claw. I was very confused. This wasn't what I expected from hell. I ended up buying a mug that had printed on the side, "I went to hell and back."

As I bought the mug, I asked the devil at the counter about this place, and why everyone was so polite. The devil, who wore a label saying CALL-ME-AZAZEL, calmly explained that all would be clear when Satan gave his speech. The tour guide asked us to return to the shuttle, and we stepped over the everlasting fire, and the shuttle doors closed.

Eventually, we passed the fire pits. I was confused even further, as the residents did not seem to be in horrible pain, but were enjoying the heat too. "This is just a giant sauna." We came up to the throne room, where Satan himself, came down from the throne. "Welcome to hell, yada yada yada, any questions?" Every hand was raised. "Fine, you in the middle row, with the mug." I gulped, then asked where was all the torture, the everlasting pain, and the suffering. "What torture?" said Satan, confused. "This is similar to heaven, just with more flames and red." he shook his head. "Honestly, what are they saying about us up there?"

Hell was a delightful place after the rest of the visit. The hotel was five star, and there was an endless supply of saunas, and the food was brilliant. I decided to leave a review on Yelp, as the first commentator on hell. 


Five stars, a real HOT spot!