Observe what's happening and how I feel about it. Work out what it is I need. Figure out the most appropriate way to meet that need. It seems so simple now but it actually took me an awfully long time to learn it.
Some examples: grief - simply let myself feel it - allow it to flow like waters in flood and it will pass of its own accord in its own time. anger - examine the feelings hidden underneath - is it fear, shame, or pain - what is the need? shame - in what way am I judging myself? if I have thought, said, or done wrong, how can I make amends (then do it). If I am being harsh or unfair, allow myself to see the reality more clearly and give myself some compassion fear - I am not so good with this one yet. I know the correct method is to feel the fear and go ahead and face the thing I fear anyway, if necessary by small steps. physical adversity - break it down into smaller, more manageable steps in order to meet the needs. negative judgements from others - Check whether I've done something wrong and need to correct it. If I haven't, find out what triggered them, how the other feels, what the other needs, see if it is possible to help, or at least reflect back their reality so that they feel heard. If their judgement is based on a mistake, give the facts. If their judgement is really off and distorted and seems part of a fixed pattern, say... "that's interesting," and leave them wondering. emergency - Don't panic. Attend to immediate practical matters. Let myself feel the feelings later.
This post was edited by Benedict Arnold at December 16, 2016 12:01 PM MST
Thank you hartfire, lots of great thoughts and help to self help. Admirable. It will be helpful when meeting adversity in life. Do you have a method to define which kind of adversity you're facing?
Not one specific method, no. I did many years of therapy and, in phases, intensive Vipassana (insight) meditation. My favourite therapist used a mix of Family-of-Origin (psychodynamic catharsis), Gestalt, NVC and CBT techiques. Most of the work occurred in groups which meant that, as we worked on ourselves, we also became familiar with the intimate inner processes of one another. Over twelve years in that group with the membership changing, I met the conflicts in the most common problems people face, and a few very unusual ones.
In meditation, one simply sits, breathes, and observes closely, attentively. The insights arise naturally of their own accord, not through any kind of interpretation, but through direct observation. The sitting is only practice: the goal is to maintain the observation as much as possible through all of life's activities. To the extent that we succeed, it helps the problems slowly reveal themselves and fall away.
An emotion is like a compass which points us the direction we need to go, the action or adjustment we need to make. Desire draws us towards the needs that nurture life: aversion steers us away from the things that might harm our well-being. But they get messed up and confused by faulty conditioning in childhood and faulty thinking habits in adulthood. I had to learn how to read emotions correctly, or ask the right questions, in order for my compass to be of any use to me.
So just as a pain might cause us to rest a strained tendon until it self repairs, so fear might cause us to steer clear of an aggressive person. When trying to understand what kind of adversity I face, the first step is always to examine my bodily sensations and my emotions. Next, does the adversity come from outside me or within? If from within, I know or work out how to meet my own needs. The hardest for me has always been to know how to deal with a person who is angry. There can be so many different reasons and how to handle it always depends on the cause. Someone is having manic or schizophrenic psychotic episode or drunk or on ice: get out instantly at the first sign of a problem and if necessary call professional help. A boss is not happy with the way I handled a situation: listen, find out what is the better way and use it whenever that situation recurs. A dear friend is upset with me because I misunderstood something and reacted the wrong way: listen, reflect back what she said in my own words and check with her that I've understood; if she's willing to hear it, tell her what was going on in my head that caused me to make a mistake, tell her how much I regret it, and try to do better to double check things in future. Most anger can be resolved through listening and communicating in the right way. Most problems can be solved in way that works for both sides without compromise. Some adversity is physical - living with pain or chronic illness, having a task which requires pushing through some difficulty or obstacle - each requires different strategies.
This post was edited by Benedict Arnold at December 16, 2016 11:17 PM MST
Benedict Arnold 