Mostly these days, I'm pretty good at controlling anger, irritation and reactions to pain, fear, or shame. I tend to slip up if I get overtired, stressed, or have a headache -- maybe once in 4 - 6 weeks. And when I do, I can now resolve it much more quickly and easily.
However, for about twelve years (24 - 36-years-old) I was a rage addict - meaning I got a kind of energy high out of the adrenaline in rage. I also got a kind of (false) ego gratification out of feeling "right." In the midst of my tantrum I was callous: I did not care if I hurt the other's feelings. Later, I would feel regret and remorse - because I would, in my ranting tirade, have exaggerated whatever it was to the point of saying very hurtful things. Mostly the victim was my husband. Occasionally it was my mother. Twice it was my sister.
It took a great deal of hard work to learn how to overcome the impulse to vocalise my anger. First I had to develop moment by moment awareness, and the self-discipline to act in the split second that I recognised the sensation of adrenaline in my blood, before I opened my mouth. Then to say noting and to leave the room until I'd calmed down. Second, I had to learn the skills of conflict resolution and be able to use them with the person concerned once both of us were calm and fresh (being tired or in physical pain makes it much harder.) The CR and NVC skills are available free for everyone on the Net.
It takes motivation and persistence to develop the skills that overcome the typical styles of angry language in our competitive and combative culture - but the payoff in better relationships is well worth the effort. It makes life a lot happier.
This post was edited by Benedict Arnold at December 22, 2016 8:25 PM MST
