Lesbian bed death. It's a thing. Really..?

As many of us know, all lesbians conform to a specific set of rules and regulations on everything from dress to sexual activity to emotions, rules that were not taught in secondary school. In the interest of helping America's youth - and the editors of aforementioned tabloid gossip magazines - we've decided to make those rules public. Take them out of the closet, if you will.

Dress Code (Unless The Lesbian Is The Femme)

Appropriate footwear: Birkenstocks, Airwalks, chucks, Doc Martens or sports sandals. Socks are never optional.
Make-up: not allowed.
Undergarments: Bras are frowned upon.
Appropriate tops: flannel, more flannel, folksy prints and Polar fleece.
Appropriate bottoms: jeans, cords, jean shorts or walking shorts.
"Hygiene": Shaving of armpits or legs is frowned upon.
Accessories may include: Nalgene bottles; carabiners; keys at your belt; fanny packs; femme lesbians who only dress girly for the attention or to get a real man.


Lifestyle Attributes

Appropriate automobiles: Saabs, pickup trucks, Subaru Outbacks, Jeep Wranglers, Xterras, Mini Coopers and Volvos.
Pop cultural influences: Melissa Etheridge; Ani DiFranco; Indigo Girls; and The L Word. No exceptions.
Pets: At least one cat, and preferably more.
Food: Vegetarians preferred
Colleges/alma maters: Smith; Bryn Mawr; Mount Holyoke; and Wellesley.
Partner choices: Recruiting straight women preferred.
Career choices: P.E. teacher; basketball player; softball player; and professional golfer.


Psychology

History: Must have been abused.
Oedipal Complex: Hatred of fathers, except when they over-identify with them.
Childhood Obsessions: Monkeys as pets.
Adult Obsessions: Hating men.
Penis Envy: Yes.
Child lust: No.


Sex & Relationships

Onset of lesbianism: College — until graduation, in some cases.
Conversion: Lesbians can be converted with one internal application of human penis.
Madonna/Whore Complex: Many are technically virgins, because they've never gotten down with a dude.
Roles: Every lesbian relationship has a butch and a femme.
Timing: Lesbians move in together on the second date.
Sex: Once two lesbians move in together, they will never have sex again.
Break Ups: Bunny boiling provides the maximum drama all lesbians require.


(source: jezebel.com; Pssst The Girls Guide To Lesbian Cliches Stereotypes)