Please give me an example of dumb product instructions?

I had instant oatmeal that had 'hybridized' directions for cooking. They told you to do step one of stovetop directions followed by step 2 of the microwave directions. But that couldn't work either! Eventually, I figured it out. Gee, I hope I never have to figure how to call 911 in an emergency! 

"Only one person is necessary for the assembly of this product,
 however one or more steps may need a second person to assist."

Warning: has been found to cause cancer in laboratory mice. On a box of rat poison.

Open bag, eat nuts. (From an airline snack tray)

On a Swedish chain saw:
Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals.

On a ketchup bottle:
Instructions: Put on food.


On a bottle of hair dye:
Do not use as Ice Cream topping.

I hope your frozen pizza also said (as mine did) remove wrapping before cooking. Otherwise, you get toppings you weren't expecting.

This product works great on both my vaginas. ;))

Loop the strap through the hole.  There is no hole.  I am looking at the instructions right this minute.  There is no friggin' hole.