Discussion»Statements»Rosie's Corner» Do you think maintaining good relationships takes hard work? If it's right it's easy so where does the hard work come in?
"Ask for what you want 100%" is good relationship advice.
The work comes in when it turns out that either you or your partner think they are doing that, but actually, possibly unknown to either, one or both are not doing so.
That's when your fear of real intimacy (not sexual) must be addressed and overcome.
I guess I just don't believe in "working at it" tom. Some relationships are fraught with negativity. They don't last. I leave. Now of course that doesn't mean that the folks in that relationship agree all the tine. You disagree and you talk it out. With civility and you maintain respect. You NEVER say things you will regret. I'll tell ya I"ve witnessed some folks who castigate excoriate and than get all nice and hunky dorry cozy. I think that's bullsh** personally. You either respect someone or you don't. It isn't a lightswitch that you turn on off. It isn't AC it's DC. I'm gonna ask that question. Thank you for your reply.
Not all parents are good at raising children to be fully functional adults.
My wife and I have both had to overcome some dysfunctional ways of thinking that were erroneously presented to us as the correct way to think or act when we were growing up---and they weren't.
Working through the negatives from our past when they have been identified as causing real or potential problems in our relationship has been very rewarding for us and our relationship.
We have a number of friends who have a great deal of esteem for our marriage.
All couples are not alike. They come with baggage and a variety of histories. Under those circumstances it's a miracle when we find someone we love, stick with and work with TOGETHER toward achieving the same goals. I sense that you think I dissed your marriage. I'm sure folks who know you admire you. I don't know you at all tom and I admire you...what I know of you that you allow me to see. Thank you for your reply . I'm sure your kids will always speak well of you. That is what every parent wants. I'm gonna ask. :)
It never even crossed my mind that you might be "dissing" it.
As you say, some people bring less than ideal methods of resolution to a relationship. One of the reasons that I am against divorce generally (except in cases of spousal abuse or addiction) is that leaving and finding someone else just brings your unresolved problems to another relationship. That's also why I think the "till death do us part" is important---it speaks to commitment and the binding of the transcendental self (who you are and who you will be) to each other.
Oh good! Thank you for letting me know. I appreciate it! :) I am not your ideal human being then m'dear. I've been married before...more than once. However I've been with Jim 20 years and he is my lifemate. Just wish we'd met earlier although honestly the earlier version of me might not have appreciated him. Anyway better late than never! It is impressive to be with one person forever after. It is what fairy tales are made of but people change and often their goals take them on divergent paths. It's good if you can support one another even if you may not share some things. :)
That's OK---There's more than one way to grow, and having a number of relationships is one way to do so.
There is so much divorce these days and it's hard on everybody. And when kids are involved, the couple sometimes winds up with at least as many problems in minimizing the impact on any children involved that I occasionally wonder if they might not have been better off committing to working things out between them.
I've always believed / thought that 2 adult human beings are capable of entering into and maintaining long term relationship (marriage).
And when someone says "we just drifted apart," I wonder how much effort they put in to making sure they drifted "together" instead.
I don't judge people in such instances. Marriage requires that people bring certain things to those marriages or they are not capable of working together to make them last.
A Catholic annulment recognizes that fact; unfortunately many people think a Catholic annulment is a Catholic "divorce." And unfortunately, that means they have no clue as to the insights that can be gained by understanding what a Catholic marriage actually is.
One of our sons divorced after about ten years of marriage. Why? Well his wife was taking drugs and lying about it and lying to him all the time about lots of other things AND she caused her daughter (from a previous marriage) to lie to him all the time too. He tried very hard to work it out but the trying has to be reciprocal. He finally threw in the towel. She took their son and moved to Arizona to be with her daughter and the daughter's family. Our grandson and son are estranged and have been for years. She turned the boy against the father. A very sad situation altogether. How do you work out something like that tom? How long do you put up with it just to stay married when under circumstances like that there is no "marriage"? Thank you for your thoughtful reply. How long would YOU put up with the lying? I was married to a compulsive liar and took it for 3 years thinking by example I could change him. Which is ridiculous! Being a compulsive liar is a sickness that no lay person can change. :(
The hard part is that communicating in dysfunctional ways is normal in this society.
The adversarial nature of the legal system, the hierarchical systems of control, the competitive drives in politics, business and sport, the traditions of blame and criticism, the nature of ego, and the very structure of our grammar and vocabulary all contribute to the creation of conflict.
There is also a lot of social change happening at different rates in differing sub-sets.
To learn how to communicate well with partners, friends and colleagues requires becoming conscious of what is wrong with the norm, being able to identify it as it is happening, and developing the skills with which to prevent problems and repair mistakes. To do this requires changing one's own habits and inner conditioning, and many (possibly most) people find this very hard.
I dunno Harfire. My wiring is very simple. If you are respected and respect others whatever comes from that will be "normal". You train people how to treat you. You don't take crap and you don't dish it out. You maintain a certain calm that never lashes out at people about whom you care. You don't say/do things that are exceedingly hurtful. So you don't have bridges to rebuild that you blew up during a hissy fit! I just couldn't take that kind of life. A couple of times in my life I was "with" someone who exhibited lack of control. I got out. I cannot be with people who are undependable. Loose cannons are not my cuppa tea. Those folks who say they have doozy fights because making up is so nifty I think are crazy. That's just me. Of course you might say something you wish you hadn't but it must never be deeply insulting or hurtful. It seems to me if you respect someone you just don't go there and if they respect you the same thing is true. If I feel I am being disrespected that's it. End of story. I guess in that regard I'm pretty much black and white...no grays. Thank you for your thoughtful reply! :)
tom jackson 