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If you believed someone you loved was a risk to others, what would you do?

Unless you have hard evidence that they're going to hurt someone, the authorities won't get involved. Yet, families and friends often know when someone is "off." What steps would you or could you take to prevent something bad from happening? 

Posted - February 15, 2018

Responses


  • 666
    I would make sure they didn't have a gun or any gun that could kill a lot of people quickly.

    That would be my first  mission to get that gun or guns as far away from them as possible.

    Then I would try to reach out them and if that didn't work I would seek professional help for them and if that didn't work I would maybe notify the authorities if that person was making threats etc.

    Not much else you can do.

      February 15, 2018 1:42 PM MST
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  • 3375
    Good first steps, but there IS more that can be done with someone resistant to getting help IF they are a danger to themselves or others.  But I can tell you this is not info readily known and that has to change!
      February 15, 2018 3:17 PM MST
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  • Would you share this knowledge with us, PeaPod?

    What is legally possible might vary from one country to another.
      February 15, 2018 8:18 PM MST
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  • 3375
    What I would share with anyone with a loved one that is dangerously ill, you need to be prepared to hit walls from the start.  The system is seriously lacking resources, so only those with persistence and not taking "no" for an answer will get anything they need.  You need to document every incident.  You can't be shy about calling police and/or a crisis team to come to your home when a loved one is out of control.  They will also help you document things and get your loved one admission to a hospital if they are a danger to themselves or others.  I am at the point of writing letters to top administrators that want to play the game of a revolving door with my loved one.  Most hospitals will only keep someone for a week or two, regardless of the severity of their illness.  My loved one has been admitted 12 times in 3 years with serious bouts of self harm, suicidal attempts, and bouts of explosive anger and depression.  

    Learn all the names of doctors, caseworkers, and therapists that treat your loved ones.  The more you can document facts, the better chance you have of sharing that info with the next facility that may deal with your loved one.  I recently found out that hospitals DON'T share information with each other, even if they belong to the same network.  This is because the patient is protected by HIPAA laws.  So if your loved one is chronically ill, chances are good that a treating physician or psychiatrist won't have that history.

    It's a very draining process and one most are not prepared for.  I highly recommend a support group for you so you can learn quicker from other people's experience.


    This post was edited by PeaPod is just popping by at February 17, 2018 11:39 AM MST
      February 16, 2018 10:44 AM MST
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  • 46117
    My duty knowing such a thing is to contain that person at all costs.

    I would not allow a drunk to drive and I would not allow a person that can cause harm to cause harm.

    It doesn't do the person any good and it doesn't do the public any good.

      February 15, 2018 1:56 PM MST
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  • 3463
    People need to pay attention to the signs. One big problem is that people ignore the signs of mental illness or violent behavior in friends or family members.
    Sad to say though is that the system often works against them to get the help they need. And family has little power to do anything.
    But if they see the person acting out, they can make sure that they can't get their hands on a something that can cause harm to others.
    Lock up any guns that they can get a hold of.
    All the prayers in the world won't stop people from harming others if they want to.
      February 15, 2018 2:09 PM MST
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  • 3375
    Lulu, it can be a full time job making calls and finding resources.  The mentally ill do have a lot of rights to their own care, but that does not mean they still dictate things once they show clear signs of self harm or harm to others.  I've learned to document everything.  I now don't take no for an answer when a hospital tells me there is no more they can do.  This is not true, but beds are limited when a loved one needs long term care.  You truly learn to be aggressive.  My heart goes out to anyone dealing with a system that is designed to allow too many to fall through the cracks. 

    Just today my son phoned me up to THANK me for never giving up, even if he fought me a lot of the time.  He is finally understanding his illness can't be cured in the short term.  
      February 15, 2018 3:14 PM MST
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  • 10042
    I love hearing that your son called and thanked you! What a joyous moment that must have been for you. 

    It sounds as if this young shooter fell completely off the edge when his mother died recently. No doubt, there are already calls for him to be executed. I know that he did a monstrous thing, and I can't imagine the loss that the families of the victims are feeling, and my sympathies are with them. The fact that I also feel sympathy and compassion for this terribly disturbed young man does NOT detract from that.  
      February 15, 2018 8:47 PM MST
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  • 3375
    My heart is broken for all that are involved.  I am hearing the shooter also had fetal alcohol syndrome, something he never asked for.  He really lost everyone that matter to him.  I am NOT excusing his vicious, premeditated act, but this kid was not getting what he needed, probably from day one.  

    Yes, it was a good day getting that call from my son.  It balances out the days he curses me out for ever having him, as if I understood he would be born with such severe problems.  Even his own dad did not get diagnosed with bipolar until his 50s!  There are three suicides on my mother's side of the family that I knew NOTHING about until recent years.  That is how much shame there was in my family on my mother's side.  I have had issues of depression, but have had excellent care.  I am not the least bit crippled by what I deal with treatment.  What my son has is horrific because he also has autism.  His ability to process frustration is not the same as most people.  
      February 16, 2018 10:53 AM MST
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  • 10042
    It's so tragic. I've thought about what a wonderful thing his parents did, adopting he and his brother. I don't know the exact circumstances, or what they knew about these boys when they welcomed them into their family, but chances are, they thought like most adoptive parents do. Unfortunately, all the love and good care in the world doesn't often conquer lack of prenatal care, neglect, abuse, genetics, environmental factors and life experiences. 

    I can SO relate to what you're saying about your son and your family. I don't like to talk specifically about my family publicly, but you're not alone in your experience. 

    The biggest positive that I think that comes out of people like us who have experienced such things within our families is the ability to look at others with compassion and empathy, rather than rush to judgment and condemnation. I attempt to try to apply that to everyone I encounter. The ones I have the most difficulty having compassion for are those who are quick to judge and condemn others. That seems to be my Achilles heel when it comes to being judgmental. 

    Sending out positive energy to you and yours, PeaPod! 
      February 17, 2018 11:23 AM MST
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  • 10042
    Offer support and urge the person to get help for themselves Sometimes contacting 'authorities' does more harm than good. That being said, if someone has made a specific threat, I believe you have an obligation to let that person know, and to let the authorities know. 






      February 15, 2018 2:39 PM MST
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  • 3375
    What I have been doing for the last several years with a family member.  Keep very accurate records of my loved one's actions and treatments.  Fight to have them treated and not released to the public if they are a danger to themselves or others.  Have NO GUNS in my home, certainly unsecured.  Be aware of their friends and activity on the internet.  Become as educated as I could on any diagnosis my loved one receives so that I would know when they needed intervention.  


      February 15, 2018 3:08 PM MST
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  • 343
    A general warning to the public via police probably would not happen in many cases – depending on which police force, and the individual policeman dealing with the complaint/warning. The general attitude is that nothing can be done until a crime is known to have been planned and/or committed. If the potential criminal is a threat to public health and safety for reason of carrying around a knife or gun, or has VD or auto-immune disease, or some other deadly disease like typhoid or plague, or is subject to uncontrollable outbursts of violence, or is a habitual (uncaught) drunk driver, these are all quandaries I would wish to be standing outside – I don’t think logic and fail-safe are usually the key guiding factors here – not in actual practice.

    If the threat is from, say, a thoroughly and chronically incompetent senior surgeon in a major, well-respected hospital, then I think there may still be a tendency to foot-dragging with the prevailing culture of not rocking the boat. I have been in the shuttle-booster ‘O’ ring – medical malpractice kind of arena myself and it never looks so clear-cut from the inside as the newspapers make it seem.

    Even when police are aware a dangerous lunatic, serial killer, serial rapist is because of some failing of the legal system back on the street, in some places, in some situations, the legal protections in place often favor the criminal to the detriment of public safety – as we well know.

    But danger on a massively larger scale is still beset by prevarication, machination and evasion tactics - land harboring dangerous levels of asbestos, pesticides, arsenic, heavy metals or various kinds, and other toxic pollutants, and cases like Erin Brokovitch, the Flint and Wiarton water supply, the $448 million cleanup of the Great Slave Lake toxic disaster, etc. awful and dangerous as they are, have nevertheless still been met with resistance, endless discussion, excuses and threats, before there had been any real movement towards remedial action.

    ‘Safety of the public’ is not so much an actual concern and reason for decisive action, as a phrase on a TV newsreader's prompter screen.

      February 15, 2018 3:23 PM MST
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  • 17398
    I was faced with this once.  It was one of my hardest decisions.  
      February 15, 2018 5:44 PM MST
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  • 1128
    I have a son with mental illness. The first time he was a threat to one of his siblings I called the police to have a 72 hour mental health hold put on him. Then I committed him to a facility due to his severe illness. He was there about a year and a half. I love my son, but I love him enough to do whatever is necessary to keep others safe, if he is is showing any signs that are not right. He was put on meds, given treatment and released once there was nothing further that could be done.

    My son told me I was dead to him because I had him committed to a facility for treatment. He didn't speak to me often, told me he hated me and much more. As much as that hurt me as a mother I would do it again in a second, without worrying about the outcome. I would rather him hate me until my last breath than not to do anything and possibly hurt or kill himself or others.  This post was edited by SA (SuperA) at February 16, 2018 7:44 PM MST
      February 15, 2018 5:59 PM MST
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  • 3375
    You are one of the most selfless people I know.  As a mother, we are sometimes asked to do the near impossible.  You know my journey with my son.  Being a parent with one that suffers like both our sons takes a lot of strength.  Many times I cried myself to sleep, thinking how unfair it all was.  But when I see persistence paying off, I would say it's all worth it.  

    I hope you know you have done everything you can for your son.  Mental illness can be very cruel to those that have to make hard decisions and hear words that go beyond the imagination.  

    I pray this school shooting will be the catalyst for this country getting on board with offering better preventions and educating others about mental illness.  It hurts inside knowing this kid put a lot of things on the internet just had other kids raving it up.  One did courageously reported his posts to the FBI.  Somehow he still fell through the cracks.  It makes me seriously wonder if guns and violence on the internet is so normalized that many just look the other way, including authorities.  I know I have had talked to more psychiatrists, case workers, police, neighbors, family, and friends to the point of exhaustion.  I need to know I have done all I possibly can to help my son get well so he will never be just another headline in the news.
      February 15, 2018 6:28 PM MST
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  • I totally respect and admire your stance.

    Here in Australia, a man I knew was stabbed to death by his schizophrenic son during a Xmas dinner with the family.
    The man was the owner and curator of a leading art gallery, so his death affected hundreds of artists, patrons and art lovers.
    He died because he was unwilling to take action and get help when he saw the first symptoms of a psychotic episode. This post was edited by Benedict Arnold at February 17, 2018 4:06 PM MST
      February 15, 2018 8:28 PM MST
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  • 1128
    Thank you Hartfire. It was not an easy decision to make. He is my only son, although I have 3 daughters. This happened over 10 years ago and my son still refuses to call me mom. He was diagnosed as a paranoid schizophrenic after receiving a severe head trauma. We almost lost our son then. He was in a coma for about a month. Some didn't understand how I could do that to my son. I knew he was safe and receiving treatment. I knew what I had to do. I could not turn a blind eye because of my love for him. In reality it was my love that gave me the strength to do what I did. Thank you again. 
      February 16, 2018 5:47 PM MST
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  • That's a tragedy.
    I'm guessing it would have been an extremely difficult time to go through.
    Paranoia has to be one of the hardest things for relatives and loved ones deal with. It is its own self-reinforcing circle.
    ~ ~ ~
      February 17, 2018 12:20 AM MST
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  • I would consider it an aspect of loving
    to make sure that the one who was a risk to others got the help
    or the legal or medical restraints necessary.

    I'd warn the potential victim(s) of the exact nature of the risks,
    and, if they were willing to accept, would offer suggestions for precautions.

    I'd set up surveillance so that if something does happen the person is caught.
    I'd break my rule against borrowing money to do it. This post was edited by Benedict Arnold at February 17, 2018 4:06 PM MST
      February 15, 2018 8:16 PM MST
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