Discussion»Statements»Rosie's Corner» Ever have a person enter your life indirectly and change it for the worse? If you had it do over again how could you have avoided it?
I know sweetie. Old School told me just a tiny bit of what he put you through. You are here. You survived it and overcame it. Good job. Gone for good hopefully. Thank you for your reply Sharon! :)
You must be a very good reader of people then NdP. Me? Not as good as I'd like to be. Perhaps my DNA is missing something that would have protected me from me. I guess I still would rather give people the benefit of the doubt and be wrong and pay the price for it than just not trust anyone. You know the saying... better that 100 guilty people go free than that one innocent person be executed? Or something like that. So what ARE the warning signs if you don't mind my prying? Thank you for your reply! :)
A psych test showed that I was 80% better at reading facial expressions that the average person. I see reading people as a bi-product of closely observing them. Most of us listen to our own thoughts while someone else is talking, especially if they talk for longer than 45 seconds. When we listen to our own internal dialogue, we are no longer fully listening to or observing the other. Tone of voice, gesture, posture, mannerisms, and sudden changes in what is characteristic for a person - these all say as much or more than the words. It's a learnable skill at any age - and the learning never stops.
"So what ARE the warning signs?" you ask. Hmm. Well, that depends on the kind of problem. A liar, other than an expert poker player, always has tells. As a gross generalization; a woman will invent excessive detail to make it seem more real, while man will simplify and be more vague, less specific. The tell is an action unlike the normal relaxed state. A slight tell starts at the feet, a shift or jiggling of a foot. It moves up the body the stronger the lie; fingers twitch, a hand shifts, moves across the body or up to the face, perhaps an object is brought across in front of the body, or the person steps back or turns away slightly. When a person looks up and to the right before saying something, cognitively, they are imagining. This might be about something artistic or the future, but it could also be creating a lie (see neuro-linguistic programming or NLP.) With lying, the words said may be incongruent or mismatched with the emotions, the words don't match the evidence, or they contradict things said in the past. A good memory is extremely helpful in picking lies. Liars often forget what they previously said, but skilled liars have good memories and keep their stories consistent - so you have to be able to hold judgement in reserve until the evidence is clear. You can find out a lot more about aspects of lying (how, why, kinds, etc) on various TED talks. Although she takes a while to get started into her subject, you might like this one:
Pamela Meyer: How to spot a liar | TED Talk - TED.com
People with anger problems are often control-freaks. They are addicted to having someone in their lives whom they can control and they're quite good at picking the ones who are vulnerable to allowing it due to poor boundaries. A simple way to spot them is to turn up five minutes late for a date. They will take you to task for it and will not forgive no matter the reason or excuse. Best to avoid developing any kind of relationship with them if possible. If for some reason it's unavoidable, one needs to have or must quickly learn effective boundaries.
Anyone with an addiction is someone to be warned about and preferably stay away from. No one can control, rescue or cure an addict; only they can save themselves or, as Twelve Steps programs say, only God or the combined power of the fellowship. Complex topic - requires experience to recognise the influences of specific drugs and the withdrawal signs. Addicts become highly skilled at deception and often fool even the most experienced or expert people. Process addictions such as gambling and romance-sex can also be highly problematic - much harm can occur to people in close relationships with them.
Anyone with a borderline personality disorder (BPD) should be warned about. They are generally very dysfunctional in relationships. Basic symptoms include
Feeling empty, low self-esteem
Paranoia or emotional detachment
Anxiety about relationships, efforts to avoid being abandoned
Impulsive, risky behaviour
Self-harm, threatening or attempting suicide
Anger, moodiness, irritability
Narcissism is only one of several types, but it is the most dangerous. The disorder can manifest across a scale from mild to moderate to severe. There are 26 traits; if a person has six, they are considered mild. A high percentage are conmen, criminals, sadists, rapists and murderers - though not necessarily all within the same individual
It is estimated that about 1 in 25 people has some degree of borderline personality disorder. Other than narcissists, the various types can change and respond well to therapy.
Other people worth a warning are psychotics. While most schizophrenic and bi-polar are harmless, a few can commit violent crimes during psychotic episodes, and all can be very hard, draining and depressing work for family, partners and close friends.
I doubt if I've covered all the types worth a warning, but the above probably covers the most common.
I hope it helps.
If you have any specific issues you would like to discuss, I'm open to private messaging.
This post was edited by inky at January 4, 2019 6:16 AM MST
If you aren't a teacher/professor NdP you SHOULD BE. I feel as if I just left an intensely information-filled college/university/graduate class. Can I remember all of it? Nope. I do relate to tells though. When I play poker with family/friends, always penny ante, when I have a good hand everyone folds. I cannot hide my delight apparently. I am not good at it...lying. So once I figgered that out I stopped trying. Many many many decades ago. I can't be deceitful or duplicitous. I just avoid people who are dangerous for me to engage with because I can never beat them at a game at which they excel and I always fail. I choose with whom I engage at length very carefully. I am NOT weaponized to fend off an attack. So I just stay out of the battle altogether. I know my limitations. Thank you for the very educational reply which I shall have to read more than once to absorb. It seems like a very hard thing to keep in mind all of those things. But I expect the more you do it the better you are at it! :) I just returned from visiting your profile. I was going to message you as you invited me to do and I was going to ask WHO ARE YOU? But I read your profile and now I know with whom I am having the distinct pleasure of chatting . My goodness and good golly miss molly and wow! Well I am 81 so that's old enough to be your mom although hopefully yours is still alive and well. I adore Aussies as I do Brits. From whence that cometh I do not know but it is what it is. Add Canadians to that mix as well. I feel comfy in the extreme when I talk to you because you seem to understand what lies beneath the words and respond to that. Many folks stop at the surface and give knee-jerk hipshot reactions which are never helpful to anyone. So I just want to acknowledge that I surely do appreciate your stopping by and chatting from time to time! I look forward to seeing your moniker. I am RosieG in my real life too. Nom de Plume is very articulate, literate and quite classy too. Good choice! :)
This post was edited by RosieG at January 5, 2019 2:59 AM MST
Have been a teacher. Sorry, it was too much info. Maybe some of tidbits might be useful. I also avoid people who are potentially dangerous.
Unfortunately, my mother died seven years ago at the age of 91. She was born in 1921.
81's a great age to be. You must have a very broad perspective on the changes you've witnessed via a lifetime of keeping alert to current affairs.
Britain, Canada and Australia share the trait of having a political spectrum about 5 -10 % to the left of America's. I think, given your liberal views, you would feel quite at home as a visitor or resident in any of these countries. Mind you, we suffer just as many ridiculous, unexpected and extraordinary characters among our elected representatives, and just as many stuff-ups in policy decisions.
I chose Nom de Plume because it seemed such an obvious expression of anonymity - plus I have a love of writing. If you ever want me in your circle of Mugger friends, I'll let you know my real name.
Happy to meet you, Rosie.
This post was edited by inky at January 5, 2019 2:52 AM MST
"If you ever want me in your circle of Mugger friends, I'll let you know my real name"! IF? Ca vas sans dire! Certainly I'd like that although truth be told I kinda think we already are. At least from my point of view I feel very relaxed and "safe" with you as I do friends and family. I click or don't click and usually it sticks. That is to say if I don't click with someone initially it's very rare that I do eventually. It isn't an intellectual CHOICE and I don't think it's emotional either. It's just a VIBE I get and I'm not sure if one would relegate that to brain or feeling. Oh and certainly it wasn't too much info on your profile. The more folks share about whom they are with one another the better we can understand where they are coming from which is a very handy thing to know. So thank you for your thoughtful reply NdP and Happy Saturday to thee! :)
A psych test showed that I was 80% better at reading facial expressions that the average person. I see reading people as a bi-product of closely observing them. Most of us listen to our own thoughts while someone else is talking, especially if they talk for longer than 45 seconds. When we listen to our own internal dialogue, we are no longer fully listening to or observing the other. Tone of voice, gesture, posture, mannerisms, and sudden changes in what is characteristic for a person - these all say as much or more than the words. It's a learnable skill at any age - and the learning never stops.
"So what ARE the warning signs?" you ask. Hmm. Well, that depends on the kind of problem. A liar, other than an expert poker player, always has tells. As a gross generalization; a woman will invent excessive detail to make it seem more real, while man will simplify and be more vague, less specific. The tell is an action unlike the normal relaxed state. A slight tell starts at the feet, a shift or jiggling of a foot. It moves up the body the stronger the lie; fingers twitch, a hand shifts, moves across the body or up to the face, perhaps an object is brought across in front of the body, or the person steps back or turns away slightly. When a person looks up and to the right before saying something, cognitively, they are imagining. This might be about something artistic or the future, but it could also be creating a lie (see neuro-linguistic programming or NLP.) With lying, the words said may be incongruent or mismatched with the emotions, the words don't match the evidence, or they contradict things said in the past. A good memory is extremely helpful in picking lies. Liars often forget what they previously said, but skilled liars have good memories and keep their stories consistent - so you have to be able to hold judgement in reserve until the evidence is clear. You can find out a lot more about aspects of lying (how, why, kinds, etc) on various TED talks. Although she takes a while to get started into her subject, you might like this one:
Pamela Meyer: How to spot a liar | TED Talk - TED.com
People with anger problems are often control-freaks. They are addicted to having someone in their lives whom they can control and they're quite good at picking the ones who are vulnerable to allowing it due to poor boundaries. A simple way to spot them is to turn up five minutes late for a date. They will take you to task for it and will not forgive no matter the reason or excuse. Best to avoid developing any kind of relationship with them if possible. If for some reason it's unavoidable, it means learning good, strong boundaries.
Anyone with an addiction is someone to be warned about and preferably stay away from. No one can control, rescue or cure an addict; only they can save themselves or, as Twelve Steps programs say, only God or the combined power of the fellowship. Complex topic - requires experience to recognise the influences of specific drugs and the withdrawal signs. Addicts become highly skilled at deception and often fool even the most experienced or expert people. Process addictions such as gambling and romance-sex can also be highly problematic - much harm can occur to people in close relationships with them.
Anyone with a borderline personality disorder (BPD) should be warned about. They are generally very dysfunctional in relationships. Basic symptoms include
Feeling empty, low self-esteem
Paranoia or emotional detachment
Anxiety about relationships, efforts to avoid being abandoned
Impulsive, risky behaviour
Self-harm, threatening or attempting suicide
Anger, moodiness, irritability
Narcissism is only one of several types, but it is the most dangerous. The disorder can manifest across a scale from mild to moderate to severe. There are 26 traits; if a person has six, they are considered mild. A high percentage are conmen, criminals, sadists, rapists and murderers - though not necessarily all within the same individual
It is estimated that about 1 in 25 people has some degree of borderline personality disorder. Other than narcissists, the various types can change and respond well to therapy.
Other people worth a warning are psychotics. While most schizophrenic and bi-polar are harmless, a few can commit violent crimes during psychotic episodes, and all can be very hard, draining and depressing work for family, partners and close friends.
I doubt if I've covered all the types worth a warning, but the above probably covers the most common.
I hope it helps.
If you have any specific issues you would like to discuss, I'm open to private messaging.
WM BARR . =ABSOLUTE TRASH 