.
Yes, been in a relationship where I was the one depended on more. It's not very romantic when you begin to lose respect for someone too needy.
Actually it is a 100/100%. We have been together for about 42 years and have helped one another equally. We both give our all to the relationship.
Well if the teeter-totter is not equal, problems arise. If one feels they don't need the other, it sounds like it's time to leave.
I believe that is a variable that changes over the course of relationships of any notable length. It is also a highly unpredictable variable as illness, disability, familial obligations or other unforseen events occur. It may fluctuate over time, and a healthy and strong relationship can withstand such changes.
If one feels that their partner is too needy, perhaps that relationship cannot stand the test of time. Trite as it may sound, think about the traditional wedding vows, "for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, till death do us part"...if one cannot see themself, or their partner, staying the course through any and/or all of those, then the relationship may not be worth pursuing.
I have been in relationships where I could not see that holding true, and ended them. When I married, we took those vows seriously and went through periods of each of the things mentioned in the vows, sometimes I needed more and other times he did. We both knew those needs were part and parcel of sharing a life together and not a deal breaker for us.
I think this is why it's so important for people to really understand themselves before making a commitment for life. The aging process in of itself will often change people and their expectations.
If I had to do it over again, I wouldn't have married at all until a later age. There is no comparison to what you think you know in your early twenties to what you know in your thirties and beyond.
I believe that if two healthy and mature people come together with that understanding, you will weather the storms.
And yes, the dependence you have for one another will be a more healthy ebb and flow with illness, family, and all the other things that WILL challenge a relationship.
That is true for many, though I believe each individual and each couple are different. It often comes down to one's level of commitment and whether they are in it for the long haul or not. That requires both to be on the same page. Sadly, I see many who go into marriage with the idea that if it doesn't work, they can bail. It doesn't always work, there are obstacles...some may appear insurmountable, yet when both are committed, they can be dealt with.
I sure didn't fully get it when I was much younger. The commitment was there in my heart, but I had little understanding of choosing the right partner to begin with. It's hard to stay committed to anyone you have to do more than your fair share of the emotional work.
I understand...but as I said, both have to be on the same page, that obviously was not the case in your first marriage. One person can carry the full burden, but only at the expense of their own well-being.
You're probably right on this.
Yes, Bozette. The wedding vows have a deeper meaning and significance than most people accord to them. Sticking to them is most essential for long-term happiness in marriage.
I love this dialogue. Thank you, both, Bozette and PeaPod.
Presumptuous, aren't we? :)
You are welcome Neelie! I enjoy questions like this and the people that keep a great conversation going.
So very true. I was half the problem for not recognizing what I was choosing to begin with.
