Discussion » Questions » Life and Society » Concerning interracial relationships, do certain pairings have an "easier" time being accepted or have fewer cultural hurdles?
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Concerning interracial relationships, do certain pairings have an "easier" time being accepted or have fewer cultural hurdles?

If so, why do you think this is?

Posted - May 6, 2020
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Responses


  • 53485

      Yes. I can speak from experience based on the fact that I’ve been in an interracial marriage for the last couple of decades, I’m African-American and my wife is Asian.  Prior to my marriage, I had dated not only African-American women but also women of many different ethnicities. 

      I’ve found that environment has a lot to do with whether or not difficulties exist. I was in the

    [[I was editing my post when computer crashed just as I hit ‘Enter’ and I didn’t realize until just now that 3/4 of the content was lost. I’m going to have to repair it later, though, because I have to leave right now. Sorry, all.
    ~]]



    Continued: I’ve found that environment has a lot to do with whether or not difficulties exist. I was in the Marine Corps when I met my wife, and I was stationed in Hawaii.  The facts: it's a melting pot over there, the high percentage of people from every Asian country in the world, the high percentage of people from her particular country, the large number of military servicemen and servicewomen there, the moderately high number of interracial/international/intercultural couplings there all played into an atmosphere of our relationship being practically run-of-the-mill.  When we moved on two and a half years later, we found ourselves on the US east coast, in the Carolinas.  By that time, we had a six-month-old baby, our first child, a conglomerate of our black and brown heritages.  It was my wife's first time on mainland US soil, and my first time in the South, culture shock assuredly compared to Hawaii.  I/we suffered no ill will on account of our union; I, however, experienced more friction being a Northern-born and bred black man in Dixie than any countable incident(s) surrounding my marriage outside of my ethnicity.  Mixed marriages were less common there, but not completely unheard of.  To be fair, the majority of our social interaction was centered both physically and generally in the settings of the military base/community, and we had little direct or continuous contact with the local populace.  I had moved up in the ranks by then, and the deployment tempo had ramped up so substantially that I was gone a lot.  My wife, with our child who was so obviously of mixed batter with merely the first glance, was immersed in that diaspora to fend alone for weeks or months at a time.  She has no stories to tell of any problems she had based on being married to a black man.  Inside of two years, our second (and last) child was born, and about 18 months after that, I was transferred again to Southern California.  This time the culture shock was electrifying in positive ways.  In many ways, we were in another melting pot, and liberal attitudes translated to the nonexistence of race-related problems.  We have lived in Southern California ever since.

     I think the problems, of lack thereof, in interracial relationships are not restricted to the ethnicities of the two people involved, that much too simple, and it ignores the fact that many same-ethnicity couples have the same life-connected ups and downs that an interracial couple has, and many interracial couples have the same life-connected ups and downs that a same-ethnicity couple has.  If and when major departures from that occur specifically due to two ethnicities, it's largely an outside influence, such as opinions and attitudes of extended family members, "friends", neighbors, co-workers, and of course, the general public, also known as complete strangers.  The dominant ethnicity of the country where the couple lives is one factor, as is the ethnicity of the spouse from the different country/culture.  Amazingly, it also makes a difference the gender of the person in the relationship being from the dominant culture; a white American man in America married to a woman from a non-white ethnicity has different experiences than a white American woman in America married to a man from a non-white ethnicity.  The variables along those lines are endless: socio-economic status, age, age differences, minor children and to whom they belong/where they were born/raised, adult children, previous relationships and their baggage, professions, living quarters, quality of life, outside interests, education levels, language, language barriers, cultural differences, assimilation/failure to assimilate, health issues, division of household labor, raising of children, attitudes and expectations of marital sexual activity, etc.

         Having only been in the microcosm of the interracial marriage that I have, I can't speak to others' situations as if one interracial marriage fits all.

    ~
    This post was edited by Randy D at May 7, 2020 2:36 PM MDT
      May 6, 2020 11:39 AM MDT
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  • 13277
    You were in the what?
      May 6, 2020 11:54 AM MDT
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  • 53485

     I was in the process of editing my post when computer crashed just as I hit ‘Enter’ and I didn’t realize until just now that 3/4 of the content was lost. I’m going to have to repair it later, though, because I have to leave right now. Sorry, all.
    ~
      May 6, 2020 12:19 PM MDT
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  • 13277
    OK, sir. I will give you the benefit of the doubt and let you go with a warning and no summons - this time. Write safely and obey all grammar rules. Have a nice day.
      May 6, 2020 5:50 PM MDT
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  • 7939
    I appreciate you coming back to expand. 

    You made good points about the regions and gender differences too. My brother, who was also in the military, married a Korean woman... half, anyway. Her mom was Korean and her dad was a white, also military. On the base, I don't think anyone batted an eye at them, from what I'm told. When they moved to a tiny town in Wisconsin with two kids who looked (at least partially) Korean as well as a blonde-haired blue-eyed boy, she started getting the side-eye. I don't think the marriage was accepted and I know people looked at her funny when she was out with kids. It's doubtful she would have been eyeballed if they were in a progressive state like Cali. 

    All food for thought, anyway. Thanks!
      May 9, 2020 12:52 AM MDT
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  • 13277
    I also speak from experience, having been married to an Afro-Caribbean/American woman for nearly six years. My wife is acutely aware of people's racist attitudes, even in our neighborhood of supposedly liberal, open-minded people. Having converted, she is a unique combination of both black and Jewish, and she always talks about how she knows who in our egalitarian congregation is racist.
      May 6, 2020 12:02 PM MDT
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  • 7939
    Thank you for sharing, Stu. 

    Prior to getting together, did each of you date other races too? If so, was there a difference in how easy it was to mesh cultures with this pairing or a difference in the general acceptance of the relationships? 

    Apologies if it seems vague. I'm trying to word things in a way that they're not leading. 
      May 6, 2020 12:26 PM MDT
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  • 1817

    Being in an interracial relationship, I can still only speak from my own personal experience, and YES, I do think some interracial couples have it easier than others, but there is still a lot of taboo and racism, usually masked as just jokes. My husband is Vietnamese, and I am white, so we do get a lot of yellow fever, Asian persuasion comments among other things, and for him I think a lot of people are surprised by the fact that he is with a white woman as most arent into Asian men (apparently I guess?). It doesn’t seem like it’s a big deal, but there is always a time where we meet new people and there always has to be a comment or little discussion about our relationship and it’s usually why do you like Asian men, small penis, how did he manage to get a white girl blah blah blah. 


    When we first started dating I used to just brush these comments off but now for sure I call people out because it is frustrating having people constantly try to invalidate my relationship for the sake of some stupid overused racist jokes. Also most of these comments are from white men, as if they think they are Entitled to white women before anyone else. 


    I do think as well that environment has a lot to do with it. Most of the comments I have experienced were in my small town where most of the population was white, and most of the minorities would date within their own little communities. Here in Toronto though where there is a lot of diversity, people don’t bat an eyelash at us. 


    Despite all of this though, I know that it could be more difficult to exist an an interracial couple under Different circumstances. 

      May 6, 2020 12:43 PM MDT
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  • 7939
    Sorry you've had to deal with all that. :/ I appreciate you sharing though. The question was asked largely because of my own dating experiences. I don't pay attention to race, but there is one group I'd never dated before out of happenstance. Recently, I started seeing someone within that group and was surprised that multiple people came out of the woodwork to say I shouldn't be dating that person. I didn't experience it in any of my prior dating experiences. I didn't take it to heart but it seemed odd to me that I'd never heard a word about race before and it suddenly came up now. 

    In any case, I'm glad you've paid no mind to the naysayers and appreciate your insights. 
      May 9, 2020 12:14 AM MDT
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  • 53485

     Did they say it in reference to who he is as a person, his personality, their direct knowledge of him, his past, or was it blanketed on his ethnicity?

    ~
      May 9, 2020 12:20 AM MDT
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  • 7939
    It was my ethnicity that was the problem. He's biracial (neither race is white) but doesn't show physical traits of one of the races and I think most people don't realize he's biracial. Certain people within his "dominant" race expressed concern that he didn't exclusively date within that race. It had nothing to do with him or me, our personalities, or anything. It was purely a, "Why date a white girl when there are lots of women who are XYZ who would be happy to date him?" thing. 
      May 9, 2020 1:15 AM MDT
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  • 13277
    I met her through her sister, with whom I had one date before we really became friends, but I hadn't dated non-Caucasian women before that. I believe she dated a few white guys before me. My first wife was white.

    We basically moved in together after our second date (I was 50 and she was 35, so we weren't kids), and we've had a harmonious time of it from the beginning. That was in 2010. My family had a much harder time accepting it than hers did. My parents, both of whom have since died, never accepted it.
      May 6, 2020 12:53 PM MDT
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  • 7939
    Ooh... you were dealing with a double-whammy. It just hit me, not only was she a non-Jew to start (which might be a racial consideration in and of itself) but she was also a different color. Don't feel obligated to answer, but I'm curious which bothered your parents more.

    I dated a guy that was raised Jewish. By the time I met him, he was agnostic or atheist. But, the first question his mother asked him when he told her about me was, "Is she Jewish?" From that point on, we'd never have her acceptance or blessing. Her daughter had gone off to marry a rabbi or something and her son was with the heathens. lol He was such a mama's boy, but to his credit, he defended the relationship and repeatedly asked me to go meet his mother. I couldn't bring myself to do it. It's hard enough meeting the family, but to meet them knowing they already don't like you and don't accept you? Nope. 

    I'm glad you were able to find someone and create something lasting despite the adversity though. Lots of inspiring stories here!
      May 9, 2020 12:32 AM MDT
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  • 13277
    I would have guessed it was her being non--Jewish that bothered them more, but they still didn't accept it after that issue was obviated by her conversion. My first wife, who is white, also converted, and they accepted that relationship.
      May 9, 2020 2:17 AM MDT
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  • 34171
    I think it depends on your area you live in.   

    My step-Grandmother is Okinawan (she gets offended if you refer to her as Japanese)  I know she and Grandpa made a deliberate choice not to have children because of the discrimination the child would have suffered through in Okinawa.  Especially, if the child would have curly hair. (All of Grandpa's children have naturally curly hair)

    Growing up I noticed that mixed children were picked on more as well. 

    I believe Asian/White or Mex/White have the easier time in my area.


    My SIL married a man from Czech Republic.  While in marriage counseling, the counselor asked her "How did her family react to her being in a inter-racial relationship?"  She asked us how we felt about it.  We told her she, "We did not consider it a inter-racial relationship. He is white. It is a multi-cultural relationship. And we did not care, we like her husband.  But to tell the counselor we were not 'smart' enough to realize it."  We still do not consider it inter-racial. They did divorce...we still have a friendship with him.  This post was edited by my2cents at May 9, 2020 12:33 AM MDT
      May 6, 2020 1:03 PM MDT
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  • 7939
    The counselor was odd... I would agree, it was an inter-cultural relationship. I sometimes wonder if it's the culture that makes the bigger difference than the race though, at least with the interpersonal relationships.  

    Interesting about being specifically referred to as an Okinawan as well. I had to look up why that might be a distinguishing feature for some.

    Appreciate you sharing your experiences!
      May 9, 2020 12:39 AM MDT
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  • 10980
    My observation is that it is more readily accepted when the minority partner is a woman, at least for my generation. I think it's about unconscious racism and sexism. The man is 'supposed' to be of an equal or higher status than the woman. Just as older man/younger woman is more accepted than the reverse.
      May 6, 2020 6:12 PM MDT
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  • 53485
      Those are good and valid points.  In my case, an ethnic minority male in the US marrying an Asian woman, I found out many years after the fact that she had some family members who were of the opinion that she should have married one of her countrymen, but that if she must marry a foreigner, particularly an American how dare she marry one who wasn't white.  In her country, there are many families or even individuals who have lived in the US and/or have become US citizens.  Ethnically and by heritage, they are considered "pure", and marrying one of them would have been choice number two after a white American.  It was scandalous that "she's marrying an American, and he's BLACK!"  Fortunately, of her large extended family, we are only aware of one or two people who openly expressed that, and it was never to our faces.

    ~
      May 6, 2020 9:00 PM MDT
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  • 7939
    That kind of makes sense too. I wonder if there's research to back that up. You know I'm going to be digging now. lol
      May 9, 2020 12:41 AM MDT
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  • 53485

      Why do you tease me and toy with me like this?  You know you’re not going to relocate to California and that I’m not going to relocate to Arizona. Grrrrrr.

    ~
      May 7, 2020 7:08 AM MDT
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  • 7939
    Silly, that's exactly why I toy with you. :p 
      May 9, 2020 1:17 AM MDT
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  • 53485

     Sure, that’s what you say now, but you’ll need me some day, and then . . . 


    ~
      May 9, 2020 8:56 AM MDT
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  • 2327
    I'm married to a woman of a different nationality, but we're both white. I know that's not what you're asking about, but there is significant cultural differences and social perceptions, social curiosity and stereotypes even with that. 
      May 7, 2020 2:40 PM MDT
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  • 7939
    I think it's good to bring all perspectives to the table. I was mostly interested in picking things apart to see what really presents challenges and what things are easily overcome. Layering in culture versus race adds a bit more duality to it. 

    That said, when did you get married?!? I feel like I remember you getting divorced years ago (maybe in the AB days or right after AB closed) but I don't remember hearing about a wedding. *throws rice*
      May 9, 2020 12:45 AM MDT
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