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Wait, there’s a manual?
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I grew up in an extremely strict household, my wife did not. We also grew up on different countries and with different backgrounds. Partially as a result of our different upbringings, and partially as a result of our differing cultures/customs, my wife and I have always been polar opposites in our views of parenting. She usually saw me as being too tough, I always saw her as being too lenient. While that’s generally true along gender norms that fathers are more stringent and mothers more forgiving, it certainly seemed on our household that the stereotypes were greatly exaggerated.
When I read what you wrote about parents following through on what they say to their children, it described my wife exactly. If she imposed a consequence on them for having misbehaved, they didn’t take her seriously because they knew from experience that she would back down very quickly. When she spoke to them, it was a battle for her to get them to do anything, when I spoke, it was only one time and they would follow through. Soon, she began to turn to me all the time to get them to behave, because as she put it, “they listen to you, they don’t listen to me.” I countered that she was turning me into the bad guy, the meanie, the heavy, because in their minds, I was the only one who enforced rules in the house, and she was the one who let them slide all the time. I told her that she needed to get her own respect, and that was by showing them that when she spoke, she meant it. She had to follow through so that they knew she meant business, simple as that. Of course, I backed up her word and I worked with her, but that was still a situation of the kids doing what they were told only because I said it, not because she said it. They still saw her word as being malleable, and therefore, they could ignore her.
Our children are grown now, and there are no grandchildren yet, not even on the horizon.
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Art Lover 