STOP THE PRESSES! A BLOODLESS COUP AT CITY HALL AND THE VICTOR TAKES ALL!

DATELINE: YOUR TOWN, TODAY’S DATE
His political opponents and anyone else he considers his enemies have been roused from their beds overnight and summarily thrown in prison. This amazing feat is a cunning use of semantics and showmanship, because no mayoral election was either scheduled or announced, no one saw it coming.

King Randolph the Great and Exalted One, as he has declared his official title to be, proclaims that he will lead rule with fairness yet firmness, and he will control any and all graft and corruption that have plagued society for all too long. 

Mayonnaise, avocados, Vegemite and poor grammar are all immediately outlawed, with squads of secret police are dispatched to all points for enforcement activities. More new rules, regulations, laws and statutes are expected as soon as they occur to the new dictator beloved sage.

The expression “Grrrrrrrrrr” is now copyrighted and royalties must be paid to the Randolph Regime for its use by non-palace personnel. A certain Stewart Count de Benes will lead all fiscal and judicial functions of the new monarchy.  An announcement is expected within hours or days as to whom The Sovereign Commander, another of his authorized monikers, will name as his Queen Consort, pending the unraveling of a particularly confusing spreadsheet of possibles. A royal banquet with all manner of sandwiches as the main feast will be the backdrop of the nuptials orgy, tentatively named Quivering Mass of Flesh and Carnal Decadence. Invitations required.

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