If you were pursuing an advanced degree in the pseudosciences, what would your major be?

That’s one of our most popular courses.  I teach it myself.  What?  Why would I recuse myself?

 

  “Hello, is this the college administration office? My name is Randolph D, and somehow I was mistakenly placed in Mistress Livvie’s class for . . . who’s Mistress Livvie? Oh, I’m sorry, I meant Professor Eivvil, but that’s what she forces all students to call her; Mistress Livvie. I’m sure that’s a violation of more than one rule, regulation or law, but I digress. The purpose of my call is that I’d like to be transferred out of there, please. Hold on, better yet, I want out of this campus entirely, transfer me all the way to an out-of-state school. Grrrrrrr.”
~

How do you think you did on your final exam?

 

 

  “And now turning from the international and national stories to Melbourne’s local news. A man who was semiconscious yet suffering from no visible injury or visible wound was discovered wandering the Melbourne streets today and was then rushed to a local mental hospital for psychiatric evaluation. He is positively identified as being an American by the name of Randolph D Randall, yet Australian Immigration Officials can find no record of his lawful entry into Australia, nor is it known where or how he arrived in Melbourne. Even though no one at the United States Embassy wished to go on record or appear on camera, anonymous sources there deny any immediate plans to either accept Randall back into the United States, nor to even verify his citizenship in that country. In his delirious state, Randall babbles on incoherently about having been kidnapped in his native United States just last evening, and transported to Australia by what he described as an Aussie nicknamed ‘The Referee of the Opera’. Randall also blurted out that the motive for the alleged kidnapping is ‘induction by injection’, whatever that means. Hospital authorities ensure us that Randall is receiving the best treatment possible by being placed under the care of a specialist in dealing with Yanks with mental problems, one Doctor Trals. In a race to cure Randall , Doctor Trals has prescribed a daily regimen of Vegemite-based meals, guacamole facial mud packs, and several hours per day in mayonnaise baths either until full recovery or until the doctor deems the patient ready to rejoin normal society. Although retired, Doctor Trals graciously volunteered both his services and his expertise in the case of this particular patient. Not a lot is known about the good doctor’s history except that he’s an avid cricket fan and an award-winning singer of Wagner’s best works . . . hey, wait a second . . . “

~

We need to find a cure fast.  The avocado on the left has a bad case of it.  It might be highly contagious.

Grrrrrrr, it’s not the avocados that need the cure! (Why can’t I get good lab assistants and graduate students to help out around here?)
~

It was sliced in half and it grew eyes and a mouth.  It’s also breathing through its seed.  It needs to be quarantined along with the other the anthropomorphic fruits and veggies in the refrigerator of horrors.

  Randy D: “Why, Lord? Why me? I say my prayers, I donate to Charity (she fell while pole-dancing and can’t work for a week), I pay my taxes and my tithes, I don’t kick puppies or kittens, I escort old ladies across the street (well, ok, I’ve led a few of them to my place, I admit that), I no longer collect knock-off tildes, I only go to Minneapolis every three to four weeks now instead of every six to eight days, I have cut back on my monthly quota of grammar citations issued, I try my best not to force avocado trucks off the roads, so why me, Lord? Why must I be subjected to the wrath of that Villianess of all Villianeses, the Queenpin of Pain and Suffering, the Sorcereress of AntiRanditism, Livvie the Eivvil One? Grrrrrrr.”


:(

It’s an experiment in genetic engineering that went horribly wrong!  Just look at what they did with that banana!  They gave it eyes, a mouth and the ability to feel pain, then they partially peeled it alive and made it do sit-ups!

Some poeple are just hard wired for gramar erorrs.  It needs more resaerch.

(hard wired hard-wired)

Oh, sorry, Randy.  You caught the missing hyphen but ignored the four spelling errors.  Twenty percent isn’t a passing grade.  You’re going to have to repeat the course.

Grrrrrrr 

I’m going to have to call this guy.  He missed a full week of classes without calling in sick.

Hello, may I speak with Shuhak, please?

With whom am I speaking?

Hello, Shuhak’s cat.  Is everything alright with Shuhak?  He missed a full week of classes and we’re concerned about him.

I’m glad to hear he’s okay.  Do you know when he’ll be back?

Hello?  The call dropped.

You get to teach the course.  I don’t swim gracefully with a mermaid tail.  Wardens from the Department of Fish and Wildlife keep wanting to take me to the mermaid rehab center.