Discussion » Questions » Family » Do you feel any obligation to take care of your parents/in-laws if or when they are too old to be on their own?
RosieG

Do you feel any obligation to take care of your parents/in-laws if or when they are too old to be on their own?

Would you invite them to live with you? If you had the land would you invite them to put a mobile home on it and live there? Parents are obligated to care for their children. Children do not ask to be born. Are children obligated to take care of their parents in return? Why?

Posted - November 28, 2016
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Responses


  • 500
    My family has always taken care of their elderly. My Mother lives in her home with one of my sisters to look after her.
    Same with Aunts' and Uncles'. Their family takes care of them as well.
      November 28, 2016 9:11 AM MST
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  • 113301
    I think that is very nice Deaves. You have a loving family. Not everyone is so lucky. Thank you for your reply and Happy Tuesday! :)
      November 29, 2016 2:18 AM MST
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  • 500
    I agree Rosie. Not everyone has a good family life and our way would not be a good option for all. Sad but reality.
    There are also cases where the best efforts on the families part is not enough and the family member needs skilled attention 24/7.
    No perfect fit for everyone.

    Enjoy the day.
      December 1, 2016 9:36 AM MST
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  • Yes, yes I do.  
      November 28, 2016 9:36 AM MST
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  • 113301
    That's wonderful. Thank you for your reply Glis and Happy Tuesday!  :)
      November 29, 2016 2:19 AM MST
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  • 11130
    I do and I did.
      November 28, 2016 9:55 AM MST
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  • 113301
    Kind of you to do so. Thank you for your reply and Happy Tuesday.
      November 29, 2016 2:19 AM MST
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  • 46117
    I could never repay my parents for all they did for me.  I really could not.  All I can try and do is pay it forward. 

    I did take care of my mom, but she earned it.  She took care of me and everyone any time she could.  She was a handful at the end, but she was an amazing person.    I took care of my daughter when she needed me to.  So, I think I have passed the caregiver test so far.  I know that I cannot take care of anyone if I do not take care of myself first of all. 
      November 28, 2016 10:33 AM MST
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  • 113301
    I know you had some struggles with your mom toward the end. You are a very good person to think and feel that way  and to do what you've done. Thank you for your reply and Happy Tuesday! :)
      November 29, 2016 2:21 AM MST
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  • 3934
    Yes and no.

    The situation in my family has been the elderely person wanted to be taken care of by the children...but ONLY on HER terms.

    While my situation is somewhat extreme, it highlights two common problems with children tending to elderly:

    1) Elderly often have infirmities (such as dementia) which their families are ill-equipped to handle. I don't think children are necessarily obligated to turn their own lives into living hell just because a relative would rather be a high-maintenance invalid in a private home than in a professional care setting.

    2) The elderly are often unwilling to accept their limitations and reluctant to give up their autonomy, which can lead to enormous friction with caregivers (esp. family). For example, my mother was forced by the DMV to take a driving test to check whether she could still safely operate a car. She couldn't. According to my Mom, her children are a bunch of mean ungrateful wretches because we didn't help her try to take steps to restore her driving privileges. Of course we didn't. She has failing vision and dementia, and no amount of training/practice was going to make her a safe driver again.

    While my mother thought it was her children's "obligation" to help her try to drive again, we children don't see it that way.

    My advice to anyone who believes they might end up being an elderly caregiver is to talk about the potential situation with the person for whom you will be caring. Figure out ahead of time, while everyone is still a nominally rational adult, what the parameters of the caregiving will be.
      November 28, 2016 10:46 AM MST
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  • You did the right thing.   In those situations that is taking care of them.   It's sad to say but dementia and inability in the elderly is like taking care of child.   There's a lot of tough love and limitations to the person doing it.

    I understand her position to a point but even if y'all discussed it and had a prior agreement the dementia very well could have led her the same resentment still.   We went through similar situation when it happened to my Gram. She had no clue what was really going on.   Would forget her own name even.
      November 28, 2016 10:57 AM MST
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  • 3934
    @Glis -- I absolutely agree. My point is my mother FELT like her children were being mean and neglectful and "failiing to live up to our obligation."

    So we have to make explicit what the limitis of "obligation" are and who gets to decide those limits. Otherwise, insisting children have an "obligation" to care for their elderly relatives in the way the elderly believe they should be tended to is, in my view, grossly unfair.

      November 28, 2016 11:04 AM MST
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  • Oh I agree.  I totally got that point and agree with it.   The only thing I'm trying to add is once dementia takes hold the elderly person might start to renege or not grasp the situation.  People might want to take that into consideration.  Just to be prepared for any hostility that might come even though the agreement was made.   That's kinda what happened to us with Gramma, we did what we had to and what was discussed with her when she was still mentally sound,  once it came time to follow through with her and ours  wishes she was so far gone she was so far out of reality it didn't register with her.   It's really hard hearing awful and hurtful things from a loved one even though you know it's not really them anymore.  It's not them saying it, it's the dementia.  
      November 28, 2016 11:22 AM MST
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  • 3934
    Exactly!
      November 28, 2016 11:25 AM MST
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  • 113301
    Forgive the impertinence OS but you know your mom is not in her right mind. That mind is going and there is nothing anyone can do to stop it. You know that better than anyone. If she were in her right mind your situation would not have been nearly so stressful or hurtful or agonizing. Your mom was a very engaged, very smart and very dynamic woman. She was on the go all the time and lived a very full life. Having that stripped away cannot be easy. I would be angry too but there was nothing she could do. My mom was senile and had a form of dementia and she lived with my sister and brother-in-law once she was unable to care for herself. My sis would tell me about some of the absurd demands/wants my mom imposed on them and they did the best they could to accommodate her but also at some point learned to laugh about it. I know. That sounds harsh and it is no laughing matter. But in order to cope they turned to humor and sometimes they could jar her out of the mood and got her laughing too.  She was probably just mimicking them and didn't understand the purpose but it broke the tension. My condolences to all those who do have to go through the sadness of caring for someone who really is no longer there as you knew them. Mahalo for your reply and  Happy Tuesday!  :)
      November 29, 2016 2:31 AM MST
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  • 3934
    @RosieG -- Of course I am aware of my mother's cognitive limitations, and I do make allowances for it.

    My point is your original question spoke of "obligation" and I wanted to clearly argue that "obligation" SHOULD NOT include accommodating all of the irrational (and sometimes self-destructive) impulses the elderly/infirm wish to engage in. Nor should caregivers be "obligated" to endanger their own physical/mental health in order to care for elderly relatives. It should be perfectly acceptable for a person to say, "I've put my relative in the hands of capable professional caregivers who are tending to his/her needs," regardless of the preferences of the elderly person.

      November 29, 2016 10:33 AM MST
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  • 113301
     I did not imply that it does OS. You cannot accommodate irrational. That would make you irrational would it not? Happy Wednesday.
      November 30, 2016 2:30 AM MST
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  • 10052
    I think that it depends on the circumstances and relationships, but I would say it's ideal for children (or grandchildren) to care for their parents when they become elderly and/or infirm. This was something that I offered to do with an elderly relative, but the person making the decisions about her care wouldn't allow it, choosing to place her in a facility instead. It was heartbreaking, and I believe that it hastened her death.

    Personally, I wouldn't want my children to care for me because they feel obligated, but I would hope that they would actually WANT me to be with them, rather than in facility.





      November 28, 2016 11:37 AM MST
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  • 113301
     I agree with you 100%  SA. I am not at all fond of the word in fact. Obligation. It is cold and aloof and uncaring. If you do something because you feel obliged to do it then it is a hardship. If you do something out of love then you will never feel put upon. Thank you for your reply and Happy Tuesday!  :)
      November 29, 2016 2:34 AM MST
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  • 10052
    Thanks, Rosie! And a happy Wednesday to you!
      November 29, 2016 7:53 PM MST
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  • 113301
    You're welcome m'dear! Happy Wednesday rightbackatcha SA! :)
      November 30, 2016 2:26 AM MST
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  • 3523
    Sorry to dissent, but I do not.  My mother died in a car accident when I was 15 and my father turned his back on my sister and I.  He remarried and the daughters by his second marriage had such expensive weddings that the cost of one of them could have sent me through four years of college.  He will no sympathy from me; let the children he took care of take care of him.
      November 28, 2016 5:13 PM MST
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  • 113301
    You have every right to feel as you do m'dear. I think doing what your father did is unconscionable and I would cut him no slack for that. He willingly abandoned you. The very worst thing a parent can do to a child. No excuse for doing that. I am so sorry you endured something as hurtful as that. It is not something one can forgive in my opinion. Thank you for your reply CMI and Happy Tuesday to you! :) So with whom did you and your sister live then?
      November 29, 2016 2:39 AM MST
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  • 3523
    Thank you Rosie.  I went with my aunt's (my mother's identical twin sister) and my sister ran away at 16 to get marred in Tennessee to an enlisted Navy sailor. 
      November 29, 2016 7:43 AM MST
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