Do you aim to just have a fun night, with low expectations? This is what I'd like to achieve, but still get SO nervous and decline dates, b/c I fear the future; if they like me enough, will they just ditch me etc. :/ Any views on dating welcome ....
I haven't dated for years, I take my wife on dates but its not exactly the same. But what I used to do when I was younger, because I am socially awkward and always will be, is take each date as they are, let stuff happen as they will go into a date like a new job, don't expect much and keep on learning, in case you find the person you want to be with.
Thank you Jeph :) I just don't want to lead guys on , b/c mainly I'm very nervous for a full on relationship, because of abuse I've had in past :/ So I fear they'll think I led them on, when all I want is a nice night out or maybe a friendship .... (by the way, it is so sweet you take her on dates ... :)
Fear is normal, hopefully you'll find someone who makes you happy and isn't as much of a jerk. I mean it doesn't happen much anymore that we get to go on dates, even if my siblings watch the kids but we still try.
Awww hugs.. I was in the dating game for around 6 years... I am kinda brave lol so i never declined.. but I DID choose very carefully who I agreed to meet.. 99.99% got turned down, the rest I talked to a while until I felt safe and happy to meet them, or not as the case may be....and I did meet a lot, well very lot of people... not saying it's right for you but if you go on enough dates you will soon lose your nervousness
I had a few cancel on me and I could tell it was because they were nervous.. and I understand you on that...
In the end I got to the stage where I didn't trust or believe anyone and I couldn't be bothered to meet them..no matter what..and that was the point where I decided to get out.. as I didn't actually want to meet anyone anymore...
Now from what you say you aren't at that stage, it's just the nervousness?
I am sure you do, but it's very important to explain to the person you are planning to meet how nervous you are.. as I know from the other side how disappointing it is when someone cancels at the last minute..
Is there anything that might make it better? a venue where you feel particularly safe? Choosing where to meet is very important is it too far, is it a place you feel safe.. maybe take a friend? She or he doesn't have to go meet the date but she could maybe be around close by?
Re fearing for the future... I can so understand that... and that's why I gave up... i didn't think I could trust anyone or more importantly trust myself to choose someone who wouldn't betray me again... so I do understand... but maybe your fears can be overcome? maybe you need to take a break from looking?
Perhaps you just haven't met someone you feel safe dating yet and want to so much that it overrides the nervousness?
LOts of questions from me.. and they are not for me to know, unless you want to share, they are more for you to ask yourself...
Thank you DaydreamB, for such a wonderful response *huggg. I really appreciated it. I'm so happy you chose to date/go out w/many ppl!! Wow... that is so great. I bet you learned a lot of yourself , and what you would/would not be happy with in a guy. Were you looking for romance or friendship that could lead to more ? I am looking for friendship first, but I decline men b/c I feel they only want romance first :/ That most of them, want intimacy right away, and that when they learn of my anxiety (with cars, with going certain places, ) they'd ditch me ... I went through many years of severe emotional and physical abuse and it made me think guys would just ditch me.. (based on the abuse). It was during childhood, even in teen years, and into my 20s too, and I have never had a bf :/ I just fear they'd think I was 'tainted' for not having much romantic experience and for the things that I went through. I think a venue that would make me feel safe might be a group setting to start, ty for asking those questions :) It meant a lot. I fear also just BEING so nervous that first time with him and them feeling that and being totally turned off (which is why I just decline offers. ) so it became this cycle of the fear becoming much more, and all I want is to laugh and feel good with as a friend first, to SEE if we might be compatable.... I fear guys will only want to jump right in/move things along .. oh I'm rambling so much... I'm sorry friend. I hope your day is great, ty so much again
Aww no I didn't think you were rambling at all! I was interested in what you said and I can see a little more from your perspective now.
I was looking for friendships that might lead to more sometimes and other times I was looking for romance and still other times looking for perhaps just friendship... and other times somethng else... different people inspired different things and different stages of my journey meant i looked for different things..
I honestly don't think any guy would be put off by your not having had much romantic experience.. indeed many guys are quite old fashioned in what they want in a partner and it's still the case that many men would prefer a woman who had not had many or even any previous relationships. It may be a double standard but it's how it is.. so to be fair you would be what most want as opposed to a lady who had erm had many partners..
If friends first and building trust and feelings is what works for you then thats what you need to insist on.. they can like it or lump it as they say.. if they don't like it and pressure for more.. they arent the right one...
And strictly group settings it is then.. dont be persuaded to go anywhere or meet anyone somewhere you dont feel safe..
I would tell you I am erm very experienced and met erm more than a lot and safety is THE number one thing..you must be safe and first meeting must be in a very public place..
You are always welcome to chat to me about dating anytime x
Thanks so much for being so candid and kind :) I'm glad to k now not all men would be turned off by a woman having not much dating /love experience. Ty for that. I really liked how you said if friends is what works for me then I can insist on that.. I always think I need to do what THEY want or they'll ditch me.. but you are right, if they don't like it, then I guess how 'right ' are they? I also hope they don't view me as tainted when they learn that I don't do that much; I'm not as confident as all these young women I see.... I had anxiety for 10 years/ PTSD, and I feel if they know that, and they may , they'd feel I wasn't as good as another woman. It is so sad for me to think about it, b/c I didn't have control over tha, but some men are judgemental or seem they want fun/fast right off the bat... ty so much for all your tips and help... Thanks for the safety tip too... *hugg
The more expectations and weight put on dating ( especially early on ) the more prone to failure they are gonna be. I have almost zero long term expectations until about the 10th date and then start considering the deeper relationship stuff. You don't even really know much about someone until about a year.
Thank you Glis ... *may I ask if you are m or f ? Only if it's ok with you. And mainly because I'm just curious if a male might say they'd put zero expectations on it until 10th date.. I always think, 'they want a gf, they want love, they want sex..' etc.. which I think a lot DO, but maybe I'm also stereotyping too much as well.... It makes me feel good to know I don't HAVE to think, 'will they like me as a gf?' or ' Do they see me as a future friend/romance etc?' THAT is what gets me and that is what makes me so nervous that I decline dates. :( I don't WANT to feel this nervous anymore :/ Ty so much for saying you can wait a while before even thinking of that...
It is not frequent P lol, it was two years ago, but with your kindness, and the right setting you 'd be asked out NO doubt :) Do you live near any pubs or places people go for night classes ?
excon 