How can you believe that it is OK to want something?

When observed from this perspective, the belief becomes easier:  
Those people were WRONG, misled, egregiously mistaken. 

Who are they to throw such a judgment on you?

Look at their actions, look at their choices, their lives. Unless I miss my guess, these folks were not models of human perfection. Shake that dead weight off your soul, Rise above your raising. This post was edited by Benedict Arnold at May 1, 2017 3:48 PM MDT

Well thank you *huggg. I do understand logically NOW that those judgements were quite frankly, awful. (This was from a manic and mentally ill mother)- yet as a child I did not discern that ANY thing she ever said was false- I thought it fully true. For YEARS. Even until only a few years ago.. and now it is hard to continue to erase that awful pattern that was set "weak, small" .. she never SAID you are weak or small , she'd just scream at me 'who do you THINK you are??' or 'I don' t have to listen to you' or if you didn't put your papers homework on table neatly , you were 'lazy' ... this was week after week for my life. :/  I thank you sO much for saying that shaking this DEAD weight off is what will help me, it's just so hard. I still think 'who am I to really want love?' somehow my mind thinks I really don't deserve it ....I'm trying each day to think, 'maybe some guy WILL like me ,' despite abuse. Thanks Z *bigg Hugg. You are really kind.

Be you, not who your ill-minded parent created in her deficient mind.

Learn to appreciate yourself, that you are a worthwhile person, that you have something to contribute to the game.

All that past unpleasantness has no life if you don't give it any breath.  
Good luck. This post was edited by Benedict Arnold at May 1, 2017 7:56 PM MDT

Ty so much. That is a great concept.. that maybe worth isn't EVEN a concept. That we just ARE. I think that is your meanign?? That we are deserving of love b/c we exist. It's still hard to believe for me anyway, b/c I feel people (guys) will think me less for abuse I went through, or just tarnished maybe? Which i'm NOT (but feel that way sometimes). They might offer me a 'glimpse' of love or some crumbs but ditch me, and that is what I fear, so decline offers of dates (which could MaYBE lead to love I realize). But I do know I need to stop overthinking 'me'. Thanks for that N....  

It isn't easy, in fact it's pretty difficult, realizing this.

let me put it that way: you went through some abuses in your life and now you feel unworthy of being loved or accepted for who you are. so in a way, in the back of your head, there is a part of you that blames life, god, or whatever for what happened to you, and thus you feel unloved and unworthy of it.

...but, if you were to take the concept that no conscious thing made a conscious decision to make those awful moments come your way, and there was no one to blame, because you weren't abused "deservedly", it just happened, for whatever number of reasons, then you are free to love and be loved without the burden of having to assign worth to yourself or things around you.

Like I said, I understand what you're going through isn't easy, and it takes more than the belief that worth is a made up concept to come over. it's a process, like life, and it starts with that, in my opinion, but it also includes reshaping so many of your preconceived concepts of love, "worth", and life. eventually, you walk at your own pace, but remember that everything you do has a risk somewhere in it.. and that's okay, cause living and loving are risky things.. but.. I gueas.. they're "worth" that risk. :)

It I may I'd also like to add this ...
For whatever reason we tend to put more emphasis on the deeds of one bad person than ten good people ... Rather than listen to the ten we'll dwell on the one ... Don't let your future be shaped by your past .. lay down the excess baggage .. it gets heavy ..

Beautifully said 

:)

Thank you N... the only thing I wonder, is , people judge ; and it sucks. They might not see the awful words and actions on/in me, but I feel when someone gets to know me more, they'd sense it, or they'd also think ''baggage' or something. Even though its ridiculous to think that of someone; I wasn't in charge of any of my life or the despicable words/abuse. Yet I feel b/c my life has been so low and just barely getting by every day, how do I even imagine incorporating actual JOY into my life, or love?  I really liked you said the abuse wasn't 'deservedly' , it just happened.. so that I can see that it is impersonal; it is not 'me'..  but I just wish I knew how to get RID of that 'tainted' feeling- people will come to know I don't go in passenger seat in cars, that I don't travel much, that I am not 'adventurous' and I feel, what guy would accept me?? It just sucks, b/c I know I have to overcome my fears from the trauma, but it takes time. I liked also you said, loving might be risky, but they are worth it... Ty again for such a detailed, uplifting reply N.

Be careful, Baybreeze.  You have gotten on the right ship to take you where you want to go, but you're not getting consistent directions on how to get out of the bay to begin your journey. You say "That is a great concept.. that maybe worth isn't EVEN a concept."   That is a very dangerous intellectual construct and will direct you straight into the rocks before you get out of the bay.

Read Bradshaw and get some good theoretical understanding of your journey and the dangerous detours to avoid.

 

I think Nobodylair meant worth maybe shouldn't be an 'actual' thing; because if it exists, then the opposite is , you are 'not' worth something ..... so maybe it's a word but shouldn't be, like we are worth itself, so really can't 'label' it. I know deep down I am worth, yet as soon as a guy shows interest in me, or talks to me, I shut down and feel scared; 'he will see that I feel broken, or see that I am not 'whole'' .. that is when I don't even give love or joy a chance. I try to delve into things like Wayne Dyer who says we are whole NOW no matter who we are, but how can I feel it? I get anxiety over many things /PTSD symptoms and I feel if I'm not confident and adventurous, what guy will really get to know me/love me? Well I guess a therapist might challenge these notions with me, so that I don't see the me that thinks she is mainly weak or small. I will check out that link, thanks so much and your kids have a GREAT dad :)

So now you are wondering if worth should be characterized as an "entitive habit."  Valid question, but that is a question for philosophy---Don't go there.  Take my word for it.  "It is real."

Dyer wrote over 40 books.  Took too long to get it right.  More useful information in less time with Bradshaw.

Thanks Tom so so much. I'm sorry you also went through unneeded, inhuman child abuse. That is really exactly what happened; the inner child within was beaten down. They physically did it and emotionally much more, every day. I feel so broken or tainted sometimes I get terrified thinking of dating :( Like who on earth would be with or want to be with someone who has had anxiety on so many topics /things? I do know I'm good, kind, open, patient loving, and intuitive but then I think if I DID actually stop being nervous enough to just date even a bit, what guy would not ditch me for some adventurous woman? I'm working on these things and also going to see a therapist soon... I just hope they specialize in childhood trauma b/c I've heard some just stare at you and don't offer that much unless they specialize in that.. ty again Tom *hugg

John Bradshaw did some excellent work with the concept of the "inner child."

Read his books; listened to a lot of his tapes.  Great insights and I did much successful work on my own with his insights.

Check out this link:  http://www.creativegrowth.com/johnbio.htm

Oh ty so much :) I will check that out-  appreciate it Tom.

I have 3 boys---51, 46, and 35.   They all asked me to tell me the books I read to raise them.  My first 4 grandchildren are in their twenties and doing quite well thank you.  The youngest is almost 2.

It turns out I do in fact know a few things.

Thank you so much Yoga. That's the word I have felt like, 'damaged' .... but I know deep inside that yes, it doesn't HAVE to be like that. It's just so so hard to erase a tape that has run for YEARS that I'm less/weak, incapable, etc. Like how do 'I' even have the 'right' to love or joy when I've felt so broken.. it has sometimes felt not even real to even think about having it :/  I've never dated, and I'm 35. I have never had a bf. I long for love , for joy , for touch and just pure connection... I do LOVE kids, and I think working on 'me' might help me... just LIKING me would be a start- to find ANY identity would be nice ... my mom was a bully and tyrant and I am actually lucky I'm even alive today- but I do hope to get to a therapist soon, ty so much Yoga for your thoughts, they are always uplifting *hugg