Memories of really fun times with my friends I can't rid of and I don't want to. Even years later I get a big smile on my face thinking back to some of those times.
Something I was so scared and ashamed of that I have never reported it to authorities. I like to pretend it was just a twisted nightmare and hopefully I can convince my brain that it never really happened.
Sorry, I also have a number of negatives in my upbringing. I have managed to overcome them with professional help. At that point, I was definitely glad to be alive. Less so when I was still affected by the negatives.
I too am generally glad to be alive. However if my existence was not the case there would not be a me to be glad of, or to regret that situation, so the point is somewhat moot. This is what I at first thought you were setting out, that I should be grateful to my father that I do exist.
In my case it was my mother---I was finally able to overcome the effects of my childhood abuse, but it took professional help to do so.
And it wasn't until I was 65 that I was able to accomplish that---but I assure you, as late as that was, it was infinitely better than if it had not happened until I was 66.
No matter how much of your life you have left after you have overcome the effects of your abuse, whatever you have left is so high quality that the negatives you previously had to deal with shrink drastically in comparative size.
It does require some significant effort to accomplish, but I would urge you strongly to look into doing so.
If the past cannot be separated from the future, then it is still the "present."
The man is dead and yet you still chose to allow him to determine how you live your daily life.
Perhaps excrement, while symbolic, would not be the answer. A therapist can help you dig him up and show you how to use a stake and a silver bullet to put both of you out ofhis misery.
I feel your pain. I strongly urge you to put him out of his misery so that you too can escape.
Zack 