It is not so much a choice as just a fact of my life, his poison is that deep. and now that he is dead there is no possibility of telling him how much I feared him and how deeply I hate him.
Very seldom do I state that how I know how someone is feeling. But I assure you, nothing is that deep, and his death is not a barrier to your recovery.
I will not push you any quicker or further. However you decide to proceed, I wish you good things.
Thank you for the supportive words. Even in my seething hatred of him I try to feel compassion for him. A man trapped in a bitterly unhappy marriage, trapped in a career he was plainly very ill suited for. Burdened with four kids he regretted. Having no coping strategies and totally emotionally and intellectually overwhelmed by family life.
Some quotes from my siblings. "It is a sad thing when the best you can say about your father, 'At least he never beat up one of his kids.'
"It is a wonder none of us (his kids) became psychopaths or murderers" This is the sort of emotional stress he created in us.
I remember when you quoted that previously from your sibling. Your pain is like a dragon on your back with its claws dug in so deeply that even everyday living is constantly painful. Believe it or not, that dragon can be transformed into a magnificent thoroughbred horse that can carry you without pain, and as quickly and as far as you wish to go during the rest of your life.
When I was in high school I lived in my grandmother's house. It is now estimated to be worth two-and-a-half million dollars. It is located on the end of a point which juts out into a brackish, tidal estuary in Florida. One cool, windy night I was in bed on the second floor porch looking out at lights reflecting on the water, listening to the wind rustle the palm fronds, and feeling the cool breeze on my face. A peace came over me that I have not felt since. It was euphoric; all seemed right with the world. I resisted going to sleep because I did not want it to end.
I'm living in the actual memory I'm going to have for the rest of my life. This is the hardest time of my life, and I have had obstacles that I cannot even describe all due to this animal that was once my brother. He is a drunk and took way more than he should from the home my mom left both of us. He actually had very little right to ask for anything. He was given a generous amount in the will my mom left and he snuck in the house like a thief when I was at school and robbed me of things he had no business taking. He went through my emails, my mail and even my roommate's personal papers and terrorized the house for 2 years.
There is a special place in hell for that man. I would not want to be him for anything. He thinks he won some victory by bulling and manipulating and acting like an animal. It was worth anything he wanted just to get rid of him. The sad thing is all he ever wants is attention and admiration and he has no idea how to get it.
I try to erase the memory of him every moment and it is very, very hard not to have him pop up in my head when I am trying to just have a nice day.
The good memories that will never leave me are being at the beach cottage we stayed in when I was a kid. It was a half block from the ocean and it was ours for 2 weeks out of the year.
The bad? I would never put it down in type on a public site. Let's just say I have survived things that I don't wish on anyone.
tom jackson 