Discussion » Questions » Computers and the Internet » Ladies, would you chat with a guy who had a girlfriend?
Baybreeze

Ladies, would you chat with a guy who had a girlfriend?

More specifically online? I realize they are not married, and I vowed I would not continue a chat even if it were friendly, with a married person, but would you if the person had a gf? I feel badly just halting /cutting off any continued chat, but I also feel weird to continue.... If I had a bf and saw him chatting with a girl I'd feel low... what are your thoughts ? I once did chat w/ a guy IRL who had a girlfriend, but it was just at a concert and he was my seatmate... he was great and even complimented me, but I d idn't even say thanks ....lol. I felt like if I did I'd be almost flirting or something, and just kind of looked away. We did laugh but then of course, the concert was over. What do you think of  it online ? (in a friendly way... I'm still feeling wary about it)

Posted - September 21, 2017
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Responses


  • I'm obviously not a lady, but I have talked to women who have boyfriends and even husbands online and I have mixed feelings about it as well.
    I don't want to interfere in anyone's relationship, but the longer I talk to them the more I start to get feelings for them so I think it's a good idea to set up some healthy boundaries for yourself when speaking to them.
    Try not to talk badly about their girlfriend, always acknowledge that they have one and if they ask your advice about their relationship try to be supportive of them communicating with each other and exploring options to fix their relationship.
    Let their relationship run it's natural course.
    If they break up be supportive and if they work it out congratulate him.
    You don't want to be the other woman any more than I want to be the other man.
    That's a good thing in my opinion.
    It means you have a conscience and you are empathetic towards their relationship so just be an honest friend and if it's meant to be it will be, but don't interfere and wait your turn, LoL.
    That's my opinion anyway.
    Good luck. : )
      September 21, 2017 2:33 PM MDT
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  • 1138
    I agree, I have developed feelings once for a married person online, we got quite close and then he'd kind of flirt, and I just had to stop... I couldn't even continue b/c I felt so low, knowing it could go nowhere and that also he had a wife in the next room and I'd never feel good having a hub talking to a woman online :(  So I never will chat again with a married person. But this is kind of different, he is not married but still has a commitment to a gf. I have already had that experience of really liking someone online and I jsut feel it will be not good for me overall, but fine for him....   I'm still torn but I ty for those boundaries you wrote!
      September 21, 2017 3:01 PM MDT
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  • You're probably right.
    Sometimes people in bad relationships talk to strangers online as an escape and the farther away you are the better because they can have a second relationship without actually cheating.
    It's sort of a win win for them, but it just makes you feel guilty right?
    It's tricky to navigate because you do start to get feelings and you like the attention, but you feel like a creep for talking to someone else's partner.
    It's the internet's fault, LoL!
    It's just too easy these days to communicate with anyone but our partner when things get tough.
    I feel for you BayBreeze because I know it's hard to let go.
    I hope you find a nice single guy to flirt with online someday. : ) This post was edited by Benedict Arnold at September 21, 2017 5:51 PM MDT
      September 21, 2017 3:23 PM MDT
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  • 1138
    I agree, ppl seem to want 'quick' fixes to feeling lonely, and the internet is full of that for sure. But I also think real love or friendship CAN be had or made. yes, I do feel like a creep if I talk to another's bf... you nailed it. Tonight he said that his gf wants to see other people. I'm uncertain: I want to feel that is true, I hope it is.... he seems kind and funny and we kind of clicked. I guess I will ask again to make sure, b/c I have always felt wary of chatting with a guy with a wife, or gf. Thank you for all your ideas and thoughts T!!! *huggs. Have a nice eve too
      September 21, 2017 6:08 PM MDT
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  • Aww...no problem, I hope it works out for you. : )
      September 21, 2017 6:24 PM MDT
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  • 7126
    Just banter on a site like this probably wouldn't make me feel uncomfortable. But if he was chatting one-on-one with a woman on a regular basis, I can't imagine being a happy camper. Too easy for casual conversation to turn into something more. 
      September 21, 2017 2:34 PM MDT
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  • 1138
    That's why I have not replied in couple days, but he messaged again. I felt like if I continue it 'could' lead to more if we chat more- we initially were flirting a bit, and I assumed he was single. Then I asked if he had a gf  a day later and he said yes. So I kind of stopped replying b/c we had flirted :/  So I'm unsure to continue when I now have to be just cut and dry , how's the weather or things like that. I know what u mean it could be just banter , but I feel that even  'friends' online can affect a bf/gf, and I do NOT want to be that other woman that is chatting with someone's bf.... but on the other hand it CAN be just friendly if I do it maybe once a week.  Ty Lyrical  :)
      September 21, 2017 2:59 PM MDT
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  • 7126
    No, I see banter as happening on the public board. Private messaging is another matter. Why is he messaging you when he has a girlfriend? He should be chatting with her. Your instincts that it could lead to more if you chat more sound like good ones. You should listen to them.   
      September 21, 2017 3:12 PM MDT
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  • 1138
    It was a private message yes b/c I thought he was single, b/c he was flirting on a question I posted. So then I messaged him thanks , and he messaged back and then said he had a gf when I asked. He asked me today why I was single or didn't have kids, and said he found dating sites to be a waste. So I said, 'didn't you say you had a gf? or are you dating now?' (b/c he said he was on/used dating sites.) He said today now that his gf wants to see other people. I'm not sure .... it very well could be, but I wish I 'knew'. I guess I will continue but just be kind of friendly mainly. Ty Lyrical  again :)
      September 21, 2017 5:55 PM MDT
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  • 11002
    I would not. He is probably up to no good.
      September 21, 2017 3:19 PM MDT
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  • 7939
    In the immortal words of my grandmother, "If it doesn't feel right, don't do it."

    I have lots of male friends and I make flirty jokes with them. My basic rule is that, if I would say or do the same thing in a public setting, or with a female friend, it's ok. If not, it's not ok, and I should vocalize the limits. No point in throwing away a friendship because you or he got carried away. Just redirect the conversation and/or say, "I'm not comfortable with this." (Be sure to be non-accusatory. By saying it's about you and your comfort level, he'll take it better.) If he's a decent guy, he'll respect that. If he doesn't, something's amiss or he's not the kind of person who can be your friend. 
      September 21, 2017 4:48 PM MDT
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  • 3523
    That's a good question.  There was a girl in college who kept "appearing" in places where I happened to be.  We were both in relationships with different people.  I would just make small talk and walk away because I didn't think it was right.  She persisted and I finally told her that if she wanted to explore a different possible relationship, we would have to tell our respective partners.  That relationship ended very badly and we both married the ones we were already with.  It was really weird. This post was edited by CallMeIshmael at September 21, 2017 7:17 PM MDT
      September 21, 2017 5:27 PM MDT
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  • 3463
    I think it depends on how you present yourself.
    I have many male friends who are married or have a GF.
    Most of them call me mom and treat me like one.
    If I have a problem being nice and get a bad feeling from someone, they find out real quick not to go there.
      September 21, 2017 5:39 PM MDT
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  • No, I would not. I joke around a lot  on main boards of Q&A sites , but I never talk to anyone who is married   private chat ..I don't really talk anyone in private chat unless I've known them for awhile and they are well aware I am not on Q&A sites to pick up. Unless we are talking about Tom Jackson ... I'm totally gonna steal him  From his wife ... so I can have half his house... cos i said so ;)
      September 21, 2017 7:08 PM MDT
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  • 2327
    Yeah, don't mess around with anyone in a relationship, married or not. It's messy. Just talk to single guys. The problem with chatting online, however, is that you have to take their word for it (that they're single). 
      September 21, 2017 8:42 PM MDT
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  • 1138
    I agree. Even having a gf, was a red flag b/c I feel kind of wary about being another who is taking time away or becoming closer.... he said she was distant though, and then the next day now she is going to see other people.. but it did seem so fast within one day him telling me that.... I guess I'm always skeptical since it is online, but I want to take his word for it...  :/ Ty for your reply Righty
      September 22, 2017 6:25 PM MDT
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