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Discussion » Questions » Relationships » Is it ok to not know what you want when you set out dating, and just try it for Fun??
Baybreeze

Is it ok to not know what you want when you set out dating, and just try it for Fun??

I may have asked this in past, but it is on my mind today. I have never dated due to severe childhood abuse that led to adulthood. The abuse continued into my teen/adult years, and the effects as well. I have PTSD symptoms and anxiety and while a LOT of the time I identify with that, (being less, or weak b/c of the anxiety, or just those messages for YEARS as a kid) I am also kind, humorous, patient and caring. I think those things is what a guy may enjoy about me, but my subconscious goes to, 'who do u think u are to date? You never have, and you are not like other, confident women'... :(  So could one date not really knowing the 'end' of that they want (relationship, marriage etc) ? Could u go out just for that night, just for some fun ....? I fear other guys might want more and might be dating for a serious thing, but I guess if one is upfront with not being 'serious' right away, is it ok and have you ever experienced it/tried it ?

Posted - October 28, 2017
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Responses


  • 2052
    Dating is exactly that...dating.  It means going out for coffee or a movie or just for a walk.  
    It is a period of getting to know one another.  Maybe you will like the person enough to go on a second date or perhaps you will just remain people who talk to each other once in a while. Being serious right away is not wise.  

     
      October 28, 2017 11:58 AM MDT
    3

  • 1138
    Thanks friend. I guess I get stuck ( a lot ) in the notion that if I am not a well rounded, 'whole' person right off the bat, then my subconscious likes to say, 'Well who do u think u are to even really begin dating?' and makes me so sad. I really like though how you said perhaps I will just 'remain ppl who talk to each other once in a while'.. I like that, b/c it is not PRESSURE to be more, when I feel anxiety about 'me' sometimes. Thank u Sunshine :)
      October 28, 2017 12:05 PM MDT
    0

  • 7280
    Yes, it is.

    But realistically, if you date, there are going to be 3 people present on that date---you, the guy, and your negative self image.

    I've answered your questions before.  I would hope that you get more of a handle on that negative self image or it will eventually be the one going out with the guy and it will have kicked you to the curb.

    I would like to see a therapist being a part of your support system while you are dating.
      October 28, 2017 11:59 AM MDT
    4

  • 1138
    I thank you for all your descriptive and wonderful replies and advice, T :)  Yes the negative self image is there, as not my choosing- and it wants me to not date, it wants me to fail, it wants me to say 'you are not confident, so HOW could you date?'  That is the bully voice that abused me for many years. But now 'I'm ' forming a me finally, yet I'm still not the "Know -exactly- what- I -want- from- a -guy" woman yet. I did join therapy, and so far it is nice! I have brought up dating here or there, but I think this month I'm going (Nov.) to get into it more- to learn how I don't have to wonder if I'm 'letting someone down' if I don't go further with them. Ty so much !
      October 28, 2017 12:03 PM MDT
    0

  • 5808
    l Understand who you are.
    much deeper than you think.
    Self created images of what you
    create is not who you are.
         The negative Self image is an illusion
    that only exists because you have created it.
    It is not who you are.
    You are a perfect Soul
    full of Love, bliss, and Happiness.
    Full of compassion and clarity of vision
    and pureness of being.
         Then...there is the mind....
    It's mission is to take you away from 
    the experience of being yourSElf.
    It wants to create one scene after another
    doesn't cares what it is,
    ...just as long as it  takes you away from
    you being you...
         It wants to keep you busy in thoughts of all kinds of things
    to keep you thinking, so you won't stop long enough
    without thinking,
    (so you can be with your self)...
         As long as it keeps you thinking,
    it knows that it will be keeping you away 
    from the bliss and joy and happiness.
    It's mission is to separate you from all of that and 
    through your Ego. helping you to create a separate identity, 
    like in the case of one with poor Self Image.
         Know who you are...
    Imagine...if you will, a little pond that has formed
    next to the river.You look into it, it is crystal clear.
    A perfect reflection of yourSElf.
    Then you take a stick and stir it all up
    all of a sudden it is not crystal clear anymore
    it is full of dirt particles, and other stuff
    all floating around and all you can see is 
    full of dirt or whatever clouding that clear reflective 
    pool of crystal clear water.
        So... all of that stuff floating around are your thoughts.
     You are that reflective pool of Crystal Clear water
    that is in a state of all of that stuff floating around.
    All of us are.
         It is all an illusion, not who you are.
    Know who you are
    and remain in that crystal clear reflection
    of yourSelf. 
    End of poor self image
    when you are within yourself...

    Make any sense to you?
    Wish I could write/say all of that
    in a one sentence LOL
    Cheers

    Oh yeah
    the dating thing
    go have fun

     


    This post was edited by Baba at October 28, 2017 11:17 PM MDT
      October 28, 2017 3:48 PM MDT
    1

  • 1138
    Thx Baba... I loved that, with the clear reflection on a lake, but then once my mind is stirred up( thoughts, ideas, labels etc. or in my case abusive, awful criticisms) then I 'can't ' see my self. I guess most of my life has been that stirred up muddy part :( Thinking that is who I am, and once you have been in abuse for a LONG time, who do I think I AM to think a guy would really like me? :(  But I will ponder your ideas again, for they are very deep ... ty :)
      October 28, 2017 7:14 PM MDT
    0

  • Is it ok to not know what you want when dating and just try it?

    Sure, I think so.
    People are full of surprises.
    You may not even really know what you want until you experience it.
    Opposites can attract sometimes, like my first marriage.

    Usually the only way I ever find someone special is after I've given up on looking for them.
    Recently someone came along when I least expected it and wasn't looking anymore and they turned out to be everything I ever wanted and more.
    I didn't think she existed.

    It can happen, good luck. 


    This post was edited by Benedict Arnold at October 28, 2017 7:10 PM MDT
      October 28, 2017 5:20 PM MDT
    1

  • 1138
    Thanks friend. I always think, will I be leading a guy on if I am not sure if I even want to go into a relationship mode? My mind first thinks you don't deserve love, but then thinks, even if you get calm and just have fun, am I a dating fraud for not knowing what I truly want? Most guys DO know what they want when they go out to date, and it seems anyway , it is to get into a relationship... (sometimes as soon as possible) .. NOt 'all' guys but a lot. And I FEAR that :( So I guess it IS ok like u said, maybe I'll learn as I go.. (if I do want to see the person again) Ty  :)  *huggg
      October 28, 2017 7:12 PM MDT
    1

  • Yeah, there's nothing wrong with taking it slow and getting to know people before you commit to anything.
    I hope you meet the one that gives you the love that you deserve and takes away any doubts you might have.

    As I get older I feel like relationships are meant to be enjoyed while they last.
    I don't worry about long-term anymore.
    If you just want fun, have fun.
    If you find someone to love then just enjoy every moment with them, no pressure.

    Just a theory I'm trying out.
    I hope your dates are awesome. : )


    This post was edited by Benedict Arnold at October 28, 2017 10:10 PM MDT
      October 28, 2017 10:09 PM MDT
    0

  • 1138
    Ty so much ! ????
      October 28, 2017 11:16 PM MDT
    1

  • 1138
    Ugh sorry the question marks were a happy face lol
      October 28, 2017 11:17 PM MDT
    1

  • 22891
    i think it is, ive never dated myself cause of similar reasons
      October 29, 2017 5:59 PM MDT
    0