He has the traits of a psychopath. He’s violent and threatening. He punched me a few weeks ago while I had a coffee in my hand. Everyone else in the family has sided with him
Gypsyking, I am completely estranged from a sister that is batshit crazy. There is just no word for it. I have zero guilt now cutting her out of my life. I endured years of her creating drama out of nothing and would never subject myself or my other family to it again.
Truly, there comes a time where we realize life is too short and we simply cannot fix others. I didn't arrive at that conclusion easily or quickly. I was very distressed before I said, "no more".
The holidays can be very hard for some of us with problem family members.
BTW...I too once got the scolding from my crazy sister to appease our mother who was also rather toxic in the day. My sister was all about smiling to your face while throwing the bird behind your back. I never had it in me to "pretend". In the end, I was close to my mother because I told her the truth and we worked out our stuff. I don't have regrets being honest about my feelings, even if it doesn't please everyone.
My sister is a very painful chapter in my life. I had little understanding of her problems and often took on the blame she was so quick to dish out. It wasn't until she crossed a line with no return that I finally understood the problem. It wasn't me! Sometimes it takes something drastic for us to get our eyes opened.
If your brother has issues with other people as well, I bet his behavior towards you has little to do with you. Trust your gut. It may be the holiday season, but it doesn't mean you should let your guard down. You can still be "nice" without being involved.
I can only tell you from experience that it's not uncommon for other family members to sit on their hands over things like this, afraid to take a stand where they should. I lived it. It feels like they are siding with "crazy", but often it's just a lame attempt to keep things going in the name of "family".
I feel for you because it sounds like he's hard to deal with, but speaking from experience with my own family as soon as one person stops coming for Christmas and stops visiting at all it gets more and more awkward and it builds into a bigger situation than it needs to be. My brother stopped coming to Christmas and we never comunicated for 7 years and he stopped coming all together and we hardly saw each other in the last 10 years. He died recently and I hate that we missed out on so many good times together just because we couldn't swallow our pride and come together as a family and just eat in peace once a year. It would've taken the edge off between us if we would've just made an effort to eat together. It gets carried away if you start that habit of avoiding each other and it turns into hate.
I don't know YOUR brother, but I hope that it works out. Good luck.
This post was edited by Benedict Arnold at December 14, 2017 2:38 PM MST
I guess you might have to look at it as you're not doing it for him, but maybe for your parents or other family that might be affected long-term if the family is torn apart. In our situation it was hard on the whole family when my brother wouldn't visit us or spend Christmas with us. It was difficult for my mother.
You have to decide what's best, but also remember your whole family and try to figure out whether it's gonna hurt more people in the long run than it's worth unless you know for a fact that he's gonna be violent toward you and it's just gonna turn into a big fight no matter how hard you try. Then you might be better off to stay away.
It's not selfish at all. I come from total dysfunction and I think of all the miserable holidays we endured with each other over some obligation to do so. Now that my parents are deceased, my siblings and I have parted ways. My home is always open to those that want to come and celebrate with my husband and myself, but nothing is forced. Dinner is buffet style so our adult kids can feel like they can cover their bases with other obligations.
No. Forced traditions aren't really my family's thing. My parents have an open door policy where we can visit if we can and want to, but don't have to... as long as we didn't do something terrible.
This post was edited by AG at December 14, 2017 3:36 PM MST
I don't think it is. I think it's selfish of them to force you to join in something when you don't want to. My family knows how elusive I am so they don't force me to join in anything, but I'm more likely to join them if I don't feel they're trying to force me to anyway.
You have the right always, and at times the moral obligation to avoid toxic people.
I'd say you have the right on both points to not spend Christmas with your family.
Analogy: A person was physically abused as a child by an older close relative (punched all the time). That person may not have told anyone else what happened. If that person had told the family, they may refuse to believe it and side with the older close relative.
Should that person be forced to show up for a Christmas battering that might happen if that close relative manages to get that person alone?
In this case, I would suggest self-preservation (anxiety can be debilitating) is both your right and obligation.
No, not selfish. It might be rude and parents may have their feelings hurt and a few other negative consequences from your decision. But not selfish. I basically think "I don't want to" is a good enough reason for most social engagements. Christmas dinner with your family sits up on a higher plain than most social engagements. Someone said just go for a bit and leave. That might be more insulting, but I'm not sure. Families love each other and hurt each other. It's the 9th Wonder.
This post was edited by Thriftymaid at December 14, 2017 4:16 PM MST
officegirl 