Discussion»Questions»Human Behavior» Can a woman harbour purely lustful feelings for a man or woman, or is emotional bonding a must before she may engage sexually with him/her?
I don't know? Maybe I'm different, but I honestly want love. Sex is secondary to me even as a guy. The only reason I would want sex without love is if I can't afford to be in that woman's life. Like I don't have the income or time to meet the criteria that a lot if the women lay out on dating sites. So I start looking at the women who just want to hook up, no strings attached. It feels almost like some of the regular women are making a business deal. I don't know if it's really love they're all looking for, but it sounds good I guess?
I think there are literally endless examples of women lusting and not needing an emotional connection. You should see how women behave around male dancers. I'm not talking about that "Magic Mike crap" but behind the scenes in real male strip clubs. Those guys will tell you the truth about women and a lot of them say that women are sooo much hornier and more touchy feely and aggressive in those situations than men who watch women dance. Women don't think about sex all day long, but when they do look out!!
There are women who participate in orgies and wife swapping and there are a lot of women on dating sites just looking for sex all the time, I've seen them. These women don't need an emotional connection to be the center of a three way.
I think this whole notion that women value love over all else is something we get from television and movies. It's a male fantasy more than anything. Sure women like to be loved, but they will sleep with a hot guy either way from what I've seen. If they want sex they'll get it one way or the other. I think we as a society make a mistake assuming that women are somehow more innocent than men when it comes to sex.
I would be careful about interpreting the reactions of a group (and please notice we are always in groups there) of women to a male stripper as being about lust. Perhaps in general and in the sense that we all lust but more specifically you will find that is more about just girls being girls and having a good time together. Some women in my office I know watch male strippers and I also know they don't have one night onlys or affairs and some of them have never even had an orgasm with their husband.
We get our strength from relationships, family, community so those things are most important to us. Because they are indicators of our security which is most important to us. Sex may lead to our security but of and by itself it does seldom do that. Much as we may or may not enjoy it.
And although some of us do feel secure enough in our relationships that we allow ourselves some enjoyable outside activity we know we are doing so at our own peril.
And some of us are very innocent. Or were. Even many of us very experienced have come to learn about things in middle age that we hardly even knew existed let alone that we would do and enjoy doing.
Our enjoyment of sex is very primal and deep but in order for us to discover it and for it to flourish MOST of us do need a regular caring , continuing relationship with someone who cares for us enough to want to help make it as good as possible for us. While some of us may not require that most of us certainly do.
I think you may be thinking more about your own generation prior to the internet. It was different at one time and women did value relationships for different reasons prior to the incredibly independent world that we live in today. Women don't need men for protection or as providers or for anything anymore really. The internet has opened up a whole new world for women. They do what they want now. They can have their marriage and boyfriends online and they can text friends and family constantly. This age we live in now is extreme in every way. I agree with you when you say that women have a deep, primal need for sex. That need is more powerful than anything at times. More powerful than a teacher who could go to jail for sleeping with her students, more powerful than wedding vows and more powerful than the desire for a loving connection. I'll give it to you that women do want a connection, but they're fine with having multiple guys for different reasons. That's the beauty of the internet. These aren't just my theories either. I've been through this stuff with my ex, with other women I've been with or communicated with online. I've witnessed how they operate. I don't hate women, I just know more now than I used to. I've been propositioned for sex by married women. I've hooked up with women at parties. I know for a fact that they get horny and don't need a connection. I've experienced it.
This post was edited by Summer at June 13, 2018 9:30 AM MDT
Not sure why you think that the net has made us all wealthy. Yes many of us are more confident now about ourselves and our value. As well as being able to be self-supporting. I worked for many years to get there but in spite of all the great sex I could have I still wanted the security of a husband and a home. Most of us though are not so skilled or inclined and are hard-pressed to make a decent living for ourselves and our children without the aid of a man.
The internet gives access to jobs and it allows people to network in a way that was unimaginable before. It also gives access to people in a way that was unimaginable before. Now people can have their marriages and dual income homes and also have their affairs at the touch of a button. It's so easy now to meet people for whatever you need 24 hours a day. Anything you need. Not getting along with your husband? Why fix it? There's a whole world of people at your finger tips. People take advantage of that, believe me.
Anyway, I fear that we're getting off topic now.
As such a sexually liberated individual as you are. I would think that you of anyone would agree that women do like sex. With or without love.
This post was edited by Summer at June 13, 2018 10:46 AM MDT
Extraordinary! Maybe there is a difference in generational preferences. While online sex may contain a high element of lust, it contains several differences. - There no physical contact; it is more akin to an act of the imagination. Because of this, both partners can idealise it and fine tune it to their precise needs. If they are a decent psychological match for each other, perhaps online could be more enjoyable than the real thing. They can change it in their heads. - Safer - no risks of disease or pregnancy. Though not emotionally safer. - A real-life acquaintance of mine is a psychologist- she says these online affairs, while casual, are certainly not just lust. People fall in love, and the emotions are overwhelmingly strong. She also says that the majority end badly for the woman. Patricia does a lot of therapy with these cases. - Over two years ago, I did have one brief online affair. At first, I liked a lot of things about him, music, chess, Latino poetry. He was a charmer. I ended it when I discovered what the man was really into. He turned out to be a very experienced manipulator - probably a psychopath. It was "fishing" - the latest jargon, I'm told, for someone who presents themselves as something they are not. Since then, while I am open to platonic friendships - for me personally, sex is off the agenda altogether. I make this clear in friendships. It was interesting, then, to discover how few men were still interested. That says a lot about men. I no longer expect friendships to have much chance in an online environment. Much can be intellectually satisfying through e-letters, but not knowing someone in real life, not hearing the voice, seeing the facial expressions and gestures, sharing the immediacy of the spontaneous responses - there is no substitute for the real. We cannot know someone when so much is hidden. I've gone a long way off track.
- I think when answering a question, it helps to think carefully about the key-words and what is actually being asked. The original question asks what is possible. Humans are polymorphous perverse. Almost anything is possible. Better questions might be: how likely is a particular desire or behaviour? what are its consequences? how likely is it to be repeated? and if so why? Individuals can only guess at these things based on anecdote and, to some extent, media reports. Sexologists surveys, major ones conducted roughly every ten years, give more accurate information even allowing for margins of error. They survey tens of thousands of people and take factors like age, gender, orientation, marital status and social background into account.
This post was edited by Benedict Arnold at June 13, 2018 2:56 PM MDT
It's difficult to judge surveys. People find ways to crunch numbers and present things in a way that fits their own narrative. I can't just confirm every stat or survey that's thrown at me. It's not really my wheelhouse. Politicians and large corporations overwhelm people with data all the time in order to distract or even confuse them. I'm not saying that is your motivation, but I definitely put more stock in people's actual first hand experiences. You shared that you had an affair yourself. You said that you had feelings for him. That was your personal experience. I don't know if you had sex or not, but generally it depends on where you go online and what you're looking for. I can find sex online with women who just want sex. Not prostitutes or drug addicts. Just normal women who put up a profile on POF or Match or Tinder etc. Some are even married and say that they want the encounter to be discrete. Some just say that they're looking for clean guys who aren't creepy. I'm just saying that they're out there and a lot of women do love sex. I think that may be our biggest difference. You're saying that most women need a connection. I'm skeptical.
This post was edited by Summer at June 13, 2018 2:42 PM MDT
I confess I've never seen a male stripper live. I did watch the film "The Full Monty" - I laughed. Even if I were in an area where such shows were available, I'd give them a miss. Once was enough. The film was great for its social themes about desperate circumstances for working men who've been made redundant and have become desperate to pay the rent and feed their families. I thought the men looked funny and utterly ridiculous. Deep down I felt sorry for them, and angry at the social circumstances that forced them to choose alternatives that made them creatures laughed at, not with. Note how in the film, the audience of women are raucous and laughing. Not one looks aroused.
The group effect of being in a public place would, I imagine, be a turn-off. I can't account for all women, but I think it's implausible that what the women are feeling is lust. Why would they go to a situation that caused arousal and left them frustrated? Makes no sense.
I'm not saying that some pure women don't feel pure lust - that is lust unaccompanied by the desire for love, connection and relationship - but I believe it is very rare.
You may need to have some different experiences before you can see what I've seen. Movies are not real. I'm sure you know that, but they are a sugar coated version of reality that are subjected to many hours of careful editing and must be approved by the studio before they can ever be viewed by an audience. You are usually going to get a less offensive, more pleasing version of reality from films. Go to a strip club. That's how you'll know the truth. Sleep with some women like I did. That's how you need to experience it. Marry a woman and deal with the infidelity. Enter into relationships with women only to find out that they're married, that's how you'll see the truth. Venture into the world of amateur online pornography. You will see normal women do all kinds of lustful things void of any desire for love. There is literally every thing you can imagine going on out there in people's homes. With all due respect I've just seen and experienced way too much to just follow along with the idea that most women don't lust without love. It just seems like hopeful thinking or something? It's very romantic and I would love for it to be the truth, but unfortunately I haven't seen the real life evidence to back that up. It's mostly just in movies.
This post was edited by Summer at June 13, 2018 2:23 PM MDT
Element 99 