I am in early 30's , never dated or had partner /bf etc. I feel so utterly lonely most days, b/c I've never had that intimate touch or close bond with a man. I went through years of domestic violence and cruel behavior /abuse from parents for years, and it led me to truly believe, I am nothing, and not worth someone's heart, mind, or time. I am trying to challenge this framework that has been my mind , but if I do try to finally go find love, and really think, 'Life is short, so short, maybe I can just say HELL to all the awful anxiety I've had w/men or dating and just try' is that like trying to "get" love in a way? I hear ppl say you need to know what you want and WHO you are (two things that have not been on my radar at ALL in my life) and go get what you like or want- that life is short, and to enjoy. But is this like trying to simply 'get' affection (which I've heard over and over is NOT what you want to do )before our lives get into older years? Or am I overthinking... I am one who has never had love and if I don't start to try to incorporate it, I don't want to regret not having any affection /love/fun /romance in my younger years :/ Any tips welcome
No not recently anyway. About little over a year ago a guy asked me out, and while I wasn't that attracted to him (and he talked only of himself lol) it would have been nice just to hang out for a bit... and I just declined :/ I don't want this fear to take over anymore... I mean would a guy truly want to be with someone who has been abused her whole life (even into adulthood?) ...He'd wonder why I couldn't try to have more confidence or less anxiety, perhaps. Although tonight i researched adults who have parental abuse still, and it was eye opening to me, that I'm not the only one who has felt trapped even as a n adult (whether living with them or not).. that their (sociopaths) lies and vindictiveness leave the adult child feeling shamed, anxious, sad, incompetent. Those are the exact reasons I'm still living here, and exact reasons I have never dated. I just hope to improve my positive feelings of 'me' each day.. ty so much Jeep , you are always positive too and so helpful :)
I don't understand what you mean when you say, trying to get love is wrong. Isn't that what it's all about? Giving love and getting it? Isn't that what we all want, to be loved?
Your story, albeit a sad one. Doesn't need to end in a sad way.
OBVIOUSLY you MUST know you are NOT nothing and worthless. You surely know that, in spite of how you feel inside.
Yes?
Tips.
As you say above, to know what you want and who you are, are essential.
You can friend me, and I'd be happy to talk it through in greater detail.
There are no perfect answers because there are no perfect people.
And two sets of imperfections always complicates everything.
However, there are some good solid basics that work.
While you are in the process of finding the right guy...
work on becoming your best self and making it a life-long habit.
This means loving yourself as a good mother would, re-parenting yourself the right way.
Healthy, delicious, home cooked food in moderation,
Aerobic exercise (running, walking fast, cycling, rowing, dancing), plus yoga.
8-9 hours sleep per night.
Most men like it if you have a good job that you enjoy doing -
if you are financially competent you are less of a burden and more of a contributor as a possible future wife.
Have a hobby that you passionately enjoy - it reduces obsession, makes you more emotionally independent.
Dancing, playing a musical instrument, sport, carpentry or interests that get you out meeting people are particularly good - choose ones where there are men likely to have similar interests and values.
Don't smoke - it stinks, is unattractive, and attracts addictive personalities.
Don't do addictive drugs. Keep alcohol to a minimum -- max is 3 glasses per week (to be healthy).
Never drink on the first few dates.
Do some voluntary work in the community. It will help you feel better about who you are as a human being, and possibly help you to meet others, especially if it's the right kind ( again, in line with your values.)
Learn NVC, Marshall B Rosenberg's Non-Violent Communication. It helps in conflict resolution of all kinds - which makes it much easier to attract and build a relationship. You can access it free on line, or learn through books, and there will be a cheap or free weekly practise group somewhere near where you live.
Have at least one or a few girlfriends with whom you can share emotional intimacy - all relationships are practise for the relationship.
All these will help you build a healthy self-esteem and feel more worthy of having a partner.
Once you feel ready to meet someone don't just wait passively. You greatly increase your chances if you give yourself maximum opportunities for choice. But be careful. There's lots of advice about dating.
Well, I WANT to find and essentially have (or get , in a way) love... but, I've read time and again, when you look to just 'get' love it is from an unwhole place; whereas when you look to share it, it is whole and real. But, as a young adult who has never had any love, literally (from a parent, or bf/guy ) it's different for me- I feel if I don't try to go out and find /get it, people or love might pass me. I guess a good way I mi ght view it instead (in order to feel I'm not unworthy of wanting love) is to perhaps try to get while also sharing and giving love. I have not , no , felt worthy of love, ever. Hence why I've never dated, or had a bf. It's tricky and quite vulnerable to explain here, but essentially I experienced near daily emotional , cruel abuse for many years.. at times it felt crippling. I am now trying to get and move PAST my fear subcconscious , the part that says , 'who do you think you are to think you are ok to be in someone's life?' (and some days I actually think, who would want someone who has had so much damage or abuse?) but, I try and try to say one day I won't be terrified to be with a man, that he won't judge me, that we can maybe be friends and then more.... I really like that you said, 'isn't that what we all want? to be loved?' YES :) Hearing and seeing that from another made me feel light, so thank you. Because feeling it inside isn't as much when your fear subconscious (which does rule a lot of our life in different ways) takes over, and makes u believe, yes we want love, but no, you are not whole enough for it. I don't even know if a therapist will understand what I wish to overcome, but thank you for saying, I don't need to end anything in a sad way. *huggg. Thank you N
Wow thank you H :) This meant so much to see this list of really up lifting advice on how to feel whole, I truly appreciate it. I might refer to it for a second time.... I just don't want a man to think I feel unconfident (which I do, which is why I decline guys) .. or to think I'm not worthy of their time, or that I'm unwhole ... I have felt unwhole so long that I felt they'd see that.. :/ I just hope each day to uplift myself and BUILD a self, to finally feel or have love , which seems so normal for most. Thanks again H ...
You are worthy.
You just don't know it yet.
A therapist definitely can help - it's what they are trained for - however, they are expensive.
If you look through the self-help section in book shops or libraries, you are likely to find a number of titles that will feel appropriate to you.
I had an abusive childhood too, probably not as bad as yours sounds, but enough that I can easily identify - I felt the same as a young woman, and it was a long journey to overcome.
The first thing you have in your favor is that you have survived. Not every child does.
The next is that inside you -- all that experience is the foundation for the growth of wisdom and empathy, especially once you have fully understood and processed it.
Having been abused does not make you unworthy - those thoughts are an illusion planted in you by your abusers. They were the unworthy ones. They did not deserve to have you or any child.
Deep within us, we all carry the biological imprint and capacity for self-love.
The start of this is that you want to be loved. Acknowledging this, as you are now, is not wrong in any way - it is necessary, natural, and normal.
There are some people who have distorted ideas that wanting anything is somehow selfish. A little logic can show that this is not the case. Wanting air, water, food, clothes, shelter - we can't live without them - it would be ridiculous to say that it's selfish to want what we need in order to live.
We also have other needs which are no less valid or important, because we cannot thrive and be psychologically healthy without them.
Abraham Maslow formulated this idea in 1943 and it has since gained broad consensus and agreement.
The hierarchies as he shows them have been subsequently found to be not fixed at levels one dependent on the other. Rather, the need is strongest where the want is greatest, and these needs change in importance according to age and culture.
Safety and Security needs include personal, financial, and health security, and a safety net against accidents/illness and their adverse impacts.
This includes friendship, intimacy, and family. Where families are too dysfunctional or toxic, it is possible to create or affiliate with a family or social group of choice. Humans need to love and be loved – both sexually and non-sexually – by others.
All humans have a need to feel respected; this includes the need to have self-esteem and self-respect. Esteem answers the human desire to be accepted and valued by others. People often engage in a profession or hobby to gain recognition. These activities give the person a sense of contribution or value.
Part of this can come from developing self-confidence through competence or mastery of a skill, craft or profession - the development of independence, and freedom.
The need to manifest one's full potential is and the realization of that potential. M the desire to accomplish everything that one can, to become the most that one can be.
The self only finds its realisation via a higher goal than itself, such as through altruism and spirituality.
So you can see from this that what you want is not unreasonable or wrong in any way. The fact that you want it is a sign that you are emotionally normal and sane. Normal actually means "walking-wounded," that is, partially dysfunctional and emotionally wounded to some degree, but still able to function well enough to get by. It is estimated that between 2-4% of families are psychologically functional -- and this is considered a generous estimate. Once people open up, by revealing their inner wounds and insecurities, which is part of what happens in a healthy, intimate relationship, then we discover that the other person is also a walking-wounded. This means you need not worry about feeling less than him.
Your biggest danger will be unconsciously attracting inappropriate people. A therapist or an experienced older friend who is good at relationships could probably help you recognise and avoid them. Self-help books give excellent advice on this too.
In my relationship with my husband, our goal is to help each other grow spiritually. Since we are both atheists, this means to continually grow in psychological health. We met in 1983. It's been a long, rocky road. Our challenges now are typical of late middle-age. And yet we have an excellent friendship, so I think our chances of surviving together are good.
This was so wonderful to read, friend. Thanks for taking time to be so kind and detailed and helpful. Thank you so so much, for saying that I am NOT selfish for wanting love, to be loved. And for saying that I am worthy, and just don't realize it yet. I am so grateful also for the part, being abused does not make you unworthy. I think I feel damaged, unwhole. How would a guy want to be with me, who is anxious sometimes of small things..cars, travel, even just walks with someone I'm not well familiar with makes me feel tense :/ I think, they'd never understand, and want someone confident/outspoken etc, so I literally have declined each guy that has asked me out, based in that fear :/ That the'd surely see through to my feeling unwhole... but your words did truly make me see, I AM worthy of love, and need to love me too... Ty again so much for your time and help 'hugggg... congrats to finding that special friend and love too... :)
I feel deeply happy that my words could be of some help.
I can assure you that they come not just from my personal opinion
but as a result of long years of going through therapy
and learning a few of the basics psychology has discovered through careful and thorough study.
You are welcome to friend me and chat anytime you wish.
Wow I can totally relate and let me tell you it's a daily struggle to undo the damage a parent(s) has/have done. You can get to a pretty healthy point on your own and you must, but once you're in a relationship the other stuff you can't work on on your own comes out. Not going to lie, it's scary, but if you find (no shame in looking) a man that you can open up to and talk about things with then that'll ease your anxiety and you can heal those parts as well. Now getting to that point with someone, that's the tough part. It's so easy to be alone and not have to worry about anything (that's what I do, rather just be alone than deal with some of my demons) From one hurt little girl to another, please try. I think it's worth it.
YOU are NOT nothing, you are not the mean and heartless things you were told while growing up, those are the parent tapes and they need to be burned.
Very, very great advice :-) 
wow 
Thank you Jeep *hugggs. I really appreciate your feedback and such uplifting message. I'm sorry you have also dealt with demons and hurtful experiences that affect you now too. Ty SO much for saying I'm not the heartless things I was told... it is hard to remember, b/c once a guy asks me out, I know deep down I'm not like other women; confident/outspoken etc. Even if I'm not those things they told me I believed it over time, and so now, I have no experience with men; romance or love. So I feel very defective sometimes and think, they'll sense my anxiety ... other men have told me, it doesn't matter to them if a woman has not had a bf.. but I still feel nervous that they do mind. :/ I even get tense say, on a hike, thinking some harm might come (from the trauma and years of volatile cruelty/physical attacks).. I just hope I can find someone who is calm, and maybe it will align that we be friends, instead of me trying to find love(although I'm learning it is ok to try to find it .. ) Ty again friend, truly.
Hi sweetie, Ya to most men I imagine it doesn't matter if you've haven't had a bf before. As you heal more and more most of that fear and anxiety will disappear, at least to the point that you'll be pretty functional. I for the most part, don't fear other peoples anger anymore. So have you met anyone that you're thinking you'd like to take that next step with?
