Is the Q word to gays like the N word is to black people? Only they can use it or its insulting?

I still use the word queer in its context to describes things that are queer/unusual. In part what you say is true depending on the intent behind it.

This post was edited by kjames at March 26, 2019 5:36 PM MDT

No, not really. "Queer" is not just an epithet, it's used to refer to literature and movements, as well as being a catch-all term for anyone who isn't straight. You speak of "queer lit" or "queer history". Replace the word "queer" with n***er and it's not quite the same. 

I'm confused on that issue.  I don't use either but all people do not seem to be willing to give up those words. 

I asked the question here why LGBT was LGBTQ and what the Q was for. One of the gays here said it stood for queer, but his explanaition was unclear to me.

Anyone can call me anything thing they want. If they're nice to me, I don't care what words they use. 
For me, those words are all good in and of themselves. It's the user's/users' use of the words that may make a difference to me.