response to the first question: 1. Attend prenatal classes with your wife and read books like "What to expect when you're expecting." You need to know what to expect, all the variables. 2. Ask her what she wants for her delivery, her 100% and her choices if there are complications. Be prepared to barrack for her if an obstetrician tries to bulldoze her into a cesarian or an episiotomy (is it absolutely necessary?). Due to the Herculean physical demands of labour, a woman often lacks the emotional energy and strength to fight for her own rights. 3. Be well prepared. Make sure she does a poo and has a pee after her waters break. Make sure she has a light, nutritious meal of slow glycemic energy foods. Have plenty of liquids on hand, fruit juices, herbal teas, electrolytes (Barocca B) and soups. She will sweat a lot and need replenishing to avoid dehydration. 4. Look after yourself. Being a birth support companion usually means the loss of a night's sleep and dealing with intense fatigue. Have a couple of friends there who can take shifts to bring you sandwiches, coffee or tea and support. 5. Be flexible. Things don't always go to plan. She may change her mind about what she wants. Sometimes a well-planned alternative birth might need to suddenly change to conventional if there is a breech presentation, if the mother tires, etc. 6. Be ready to get to work yourself. At some point during the hours of labour, you and your partner will discover something she can focus on during contractions. It could be a breathing pattern, a spot on the ceiling, music, or a favourite cushion you've brought with you. Your job is to help your partner find this distraction, and then bring her back to it whenever she starts to think she won't make it. Your partner will be relying on you to keep your concentration levels up. Also, be ready for surprises. She might want you to massage her foot for comfort, and then suddenly ask you to squeeze her foot till it hurts, so she could focus on that pain instead. Ironically, it might help her to focus and relax more. 7. Be your wife's servant. Be prepared to fetch her fruit, nuts, liquids, communicate her wishes with the midwife, nurses or obstetrician, send out the Facebook messages, field the phone calls, remind her when she needs to bear down. 8. Be prepared to take charge. Only you and your partner know what you both want, but she may not be in the best condition to make hard decisions. Be ready to step in with some decisive action if the situation calls for it. 9. Be prepared to wait. Unlike what you see in films and on television, most women are in labour for hours before they even go to the hospital. Many couples find it more comfortable to spend the early stages of labour at home. Besides, many maternity units prefer you wait until your contractions are regular and close together before booking into the hospital. 10. Be prepared either to celebrate or to mourn. Be ready to congratulate her, or to assist her in grieving. Whatever the outcome, whatever her feelings are, she needs to be allowed to have them and know that it is natural and normal. Have a florist ready to deliver flowers either to your home or the hospital. They should be arranged in a sponge in a box so there are no hassles with vases and arrangements. In the year after the birth, be on the lookout for post-partum depression, and if you suspect it, encourage her to get counselling from a psychologist with special expertise in that area.
Now for the second question. She might know the reason but not be willing to share it, or perhaps afraid to share it. For instance, she may be frightened about being an adequate or good mother, and too ashamed to admit it. Or she may genuinely have no idea why she's feeling sad. It could be old stuff bubbling up from her unconscious - perhaps relating to things that happened in her family of origin when she was a very young child. Or she could have physical problems relating to the pregnancy, such as diabetes. Either way, it would be useful for her to see a doctor, get tests, and possibly see a counsellor.
