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I spend every day moving from one distraction to the next. In between distractions I sleep. I don't sleep to rest, nothing gives me rest, I sleep to escape. I've slept away the last 5 years. Sometimes I'm glad I never took to abusing drugs or alcohol. If I abused either in place of trying to evade life and death through sleep, I would be long dead. I am tired of drowning in self-loathing. I wear self-hate and self-disgust like a cloak. I'm tired of needing constant distraction from my own thoughts and from reality to be able to make it through a day. Most of all I'm tired of tge isolation and loneliness that has been with me all my life and has yet to become any more bearable despite feeling so natural and familiar. It just hurts more and more with each passing day. It's gotten to the point of causing me physical pain on some long nights.
