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Randy D



  • I am Stufy from ep and still in my unhappy yet appearantly comfortable marriage that I can't get myself to leave.  Want help/ support to leave.  If you think you can help please first familiarize yourself with my profiles.  
    Comments from those who simply relate are welcome as well. Thank you

    Part time unskilled worker, basically no assets of my own.
    Recent agnostic or atheist, former catholic
    Married 30 yrs
    Bipolar mood swings depression patient
    Counseled and medicated
    4 kids almost all grown, one still in middle school. 

    Would it be terrible imposing on my eldest for a place to stay?  I haven't asked.   He knows the situation all to well though and hasn't offered


  • Just Asking and officegirl like this

  • Marguerite, the Beloved
    Marguerite, the Beloved
    It looks like you are doing all the right things, Stufy. You know yourself pretty well. You take care of your family and yourself. Your kids have been in school and some have finished. One is still in school---that's great. Only you know what's in your heart. Your heart will tell you---should I go or should I stay. Good luck. 
    July 25, 2017 - 1 likes this

  • Stuffy
    Stuffy Marguerite, the Beloved
    Thank you.  My son had to live with much fighting and I would feel guilty to impose when it took him long to get out , but get desperate at times. 
    July 26, 2017

  • Just Asking
    Just Asking
    You haven't said why you're unhappy. If there's any possibility for the marriage to be saved, I think it's best to go that route.

    I don't know where you live, but more than likely 50% of your marital assets are yours. You'd be entitled to them if you leave, though you'd likely have to wait for the divorce to conclude if your husband has been managing the assets. 

    Only you know if your situation warrants asking your eldest if you can stay there. However, I know that in my area, there are many outreach programs designed to help women transition into single life- particularly those with children. Many even offer job training or have scholarship programs that you could use to go back to school and learn a trade, so you could be self-sufficient. Others have group homes and transitional housing available. If you can't find any of these programs on your own, talk to your counselor more about it. He or she will likely be very familiar with what resources are available in your community that can help you make the transition if you decide that's the best thing for you.

    Best of luck to you and yours. 

    July 25, 2017 - 1 likes this

  • Stuffy
    Stuffy Just Asking
    Thanks.  Of course only I know completely but was looking for personal opinions.  I know there are some services out there.  
      What makes a person unhappy in a marriage? Is it really a mystery?  Lack of love, conflicts etc. After 30 yrs it isn't an important question anymore because it's been gone over, over and over by now. 

    July 26, 2017 - 1 likes this

  • mk1217
    I'm just seeing this now, but I wanted to extend some loving thoughts your way. Hope you're hanging in there and making moves to find your happiness. Best of luck to you - I can only imagine the pain you're going through <3 
    September 18, 2017

  • tom jackson
    tom jackson
    "Recent agnostic or atheist, former catholic."

    Well, that tells me that you drift through life and don't fight to maintain even what you have---you seem to have let life just happen to you. 

    Especially your 30 year marriage which you characterize as "unhappy yet apparently comfortable.  Do you have anything left to offer your husband or have you become a lump on a couch physically, spiritually, and intellectually?

    Unskilled worker---okay, so what makes you an interesting human being?---you sure sound blah to me.

    Bipolar mood swings depression patient & Counseled and medicated.   You may need both a new doctor and a new counselor.  And find a counselor that will work with you and tell you what you need to do to honor that promise "for better or worse."

    Moving out isn't going to change anything except your address.  This is your problem.

    Love is an act.  It is something that you do, not something you feel.  Feeling waxes and wanes over time.

    Sorry, but I was married to a woman like you for 7 years, then she wanted a divorce.  I remarried and my anniversary this month will mark 36 years.

    I also know of another woman in the same situation as you---no real commitment and just left after 30 years.

    Marriage takes work; real intimacy is rarely polite. 

    I do wish you luck, but realistically, without significant change on your part, I would say the prognosis is poor.

    October 5, 2017

  • officegirl
    Security is important to us.  Family and community, a comfortable home.  And few of us are able to attain this without the active and regular support of a man.  Nobody owes us a living - we make the best  of whatever situations we can.  So please think what you would lose or miss by being separated from your husband.  Although there might be many attractive things about such a notion you would need to become responsible for your upkeep which would involve certainly more doing on your part. 

    One start for you might be to take responsibility for your depression and mood swings.  By improving your outlook on life and your approach to it. Sitting around and being negative causes these along with poor diet of industrial or processed or sugared foods or alcohol - all lacking in nutrients.  As a result your body gets off balance and they try and stabilize it with drugs and counseling which actually throws you further off.  But perhaps you regard such as your fair due or privilege from living unhappily.  So you continue in your practices because you are getting something out of them that you want. 

    Would not be imposing on your eldest for a place to stay - as long as you don't regard that as a solution but only a way station toward your taking more responsibility for your own power and control. 

    These are my observations - I understand your feelings and sympathize but I see you need a more pro-active approach to your life which means taking more risks and having more responsibilities.

    October 26, 2017