Have you ever had to file a police report in Canada from the United States? It’s a brutal process!

PD: But I asked you where did it actually occur, sir, eh?
RD: I don’t know how she did it, but she stole money from me even though she’s in Canada and I’m in California.
PD: Oh, so this one of those internet things where you meet women online sir, eh?
RD: No, no, no, no!  You’ve got me all wrong!  She’s one of my ex-wives, you see.
PD: “One of”?  Exactly how many times have you been divorced, eh, sir?
RD: Well, that’s where it gets a little complicated because there’s this Harem that I have . . .
PD: A “Harem”?  Is this aboot an international sex-trafficking ring, eh?  You’re calling to confess, are you, eh?
RD: No, no, once again you’ve got me all wrong, but we’re getting away from the purpose for my call. This woman robbed me last night.
PD: From Canada, eh?
RD: Yes, that’s right.
PD: Was it PayPal, Bitcoin, Wells Fargo . . . RD: No, she got ahold of my wallet, my physical wallet, and she took the cash and credit cards from it and went on a shopping spree. 
(Long pause) PD: From Canada, eh?
RD: Yes, that’s right.
PD: And you’re in California, eh?
RD: Yes, that’s right. 
PD: Was she in California last night, sir, eh?
RD: No.
PD: Were you in Canada last night, sir, eh?
RD: No. 
(Even longer pause) PD: Then. How. Did. She. Supposedly. Steal. Your. Wallet. Eh?
RD: I don’t know, I was asleep!
PD: Sir, at this point, it’s my duty to inform you that this line is only for serious police matters, not for pranks and practical jokes, eh. 
RD: I know that, I know that, I assure you I’m not joking, I’m not playing any prank.
PD: (Sigh) So you were asleep, eh?  What happened then, eh?
RD: She was playing her devil music . . .
PD: In Canada, eh?
RD: Quite right, quite right.
PD: And you heard her music playing all the way in California, eh?
RD: Yes. All of this on her part happened in Canada, all of it on my part happened in California.
(Another long pause) PD: Sir, are you now or have you ever been an inpatient at any type of mental health facilities, eh?
RD: Her devil music kept waking me up, and I wouldn’t take her poll. 
PD: She tried to give you a Polish woman for your supposed “harem”, eh?  So she’s the one doing the international sex trafficking, eh?
RD: There is no sex trafficking going on here, neither by me nor by her. And it wasn’t a Polish woman, it was an internet poll, you know, a survey. It was a survey about Justin Bieber, and I told her I wasn’t interested because, well, to put it plainly,  I really don’t like his music.
(Loooooong pause) PD: I happen to be the provincial president of the Justin Bieber fan club, eh. We love him here, eh.
RD: Well, let’s not get into all that, I just want to file this report.
PD: Grrrrrr. Go on, eh, but tread lightly with your Bieber-bashing. The laws ‘ere are different than down there in California, eh?
RD: She made sure my hearing aid was turned off and snuck in to steal my wallet because she knew I would not hear a thing.
PD: From. Canada. Eh?
RD: I know she’s the one who did it, because she was on my lawn.
PD: Your lawn in California, right, eh?
RD: Then she went on a big ol’ shopping spree and bought thousands of dollars of clothes and jewelry and music and food (mostly snacks) and a whole lot of alcohol. She paid her rent, and bought petrol.
PD: In Canada, eh?
RD: Yes. 
PD: You know, I wasn’t even supposed to take this job, eh. I was going to be a caretaker at a moose and elk mating farm, eh. I had my degree in cross-species lust and everything, eh.
RD: She never stays off of my lawn. Can I report her for trespassing also?
PD: I knew I should have gone with my first inclination, eh. This is the third call this month I’ve taken from you crazy Americans, eh.
RD: I’m also suspicious of her true reasons for marrying me in the first place. I think she was after my tilde collection. 
PD: Your what collection, eh?
RD: I also believe she was mixing guacamole and mayo in my sandwiches. That’s grounds for a poisoning charge, isn’t it?
PD: Throw the book at her, is that it, eh?
RD: You know, I really like your accent. When I go up to Canada for the trial, maybe you and I can have lunch together . . .
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