Parents, a question for you concerning being angry with your children:

  I’m not referring to actually knowing the child while he or she is in the womb; obviously that is not possible. I’m referring to that sense of wonder, that sense of hope, that sense of expectation that many expectant mothers-to-be and fathers-to-be have as they contemplate how things will be once the baby is born.

  One of the reasons I used the qualifier of “regardless of how old they are now” is that there are vast differences between normal everyday mistakes that young children make as they grow and learn and actual wrongdoing that older children and/or adults commit when they know right from wrong very well. For example, a 30-year-old or a 45-year-old whose parents are still alive has the potential to do something that evokes parental anger, and that’s not the same thing as accidentally breaking a lamp or failing to do homework.

  You’re not incorrect in pointing out the importance of handling situations with love, care and patience because a small child needs those as he or she grows, and even admit children benefit greatly from that. There are some points on an adult child’s life where teaching and guiding isn’t as easy, effective, necessary or accepted as when they’re minors, but there are also different degrees of approaches a parent considers depending on the child’s age, maturity level, intelligence, the situation, circumstance, etc. 

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We watch as the lessons we instill and the wisdom our kids gain tempers their personalities as they mature, accepting that we won’t always agree but can still reason together in times of -shall we say- disharmony. Whether in the moment, or upon later reflection. If you have kids, you know these are part of the bargain. But I suggest, are in the minority. To me, this is a benefit of fostering trust from the earliest childhood. 

As you allude, we cannot dismiss or set aside what remarkable young people they are, the many joys through the years and the unique bond you have with them; and respecting all the work put in to make this so. As my children have grown into adulthood, I resign myself to my children facing up to the consequences of their own decision making, trusting they will do the best they can. I will sit as ready counsel, not as an intrusive critic. My anger, should there be any (I am generally not one to be overly emotional) with them is, after some ”cleansing breaths”, expressed as disappointment and (um, firm) articulation of my counterpoint. It just serves no beneficial purpose to fly into a rage and undermine one’s message, IMO, no matter what age is involved. 

  There is nothing saying that they are connected, in fact, they are not. It requires one to think back to the pregnancy in order for the two to connect, it’s not automatic.

  It’s similar to the advice for an angry person to take a deep breath and count to ten before reacting to the stimuli that triggered the anger. It’s not automatic, one must make a conscious effort at it in order for it to happen.