You don’t believe the rumors circulating about a sandwich cult in CA, do you? Promises of sunshine, sea lions and ground-level lodging, all

free to the first devotees who pass the rigorous screening process. Meetings to peruse the contract will be held in private on a one-on-one basis with The Leader.  Please avert your eyes, the cameras installed in your residence and on your computer device are sending a feed of every move you make.  You haven’t yet earned the right to look directly at these words, so use a hand mirror and read them that way.

[Contrary to common assumptions and misconceptions, the presence of an attorney at the “negotiations” is neither necessary nor prudent. This is a completely reputable organization with which you’ll be dealing. Please don’t inform any family members or friends of your travel plans, and a substantial chunk, 94% or more is STRONGLY suggested, of your life savings will be used to gauge the seriousness of your level of faith. Knowledge in the care and handling of tildes is helpful, but if you don’t possess it, it can be beaten into you. Full-body searches will be conducted to ensure no smuggling of Vegemite, beets, poor grammar, okra, avocados, or mayonnaise into the secure facility.]