[~]
You rang, Miss Boss Lady?
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Just please be gentle with me; it‘s my first time.
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Whoa, wait a second! There’s really no need for security personnel, everything is fine around here, quite peaceful and tranquil!
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But how will I get in? How am I expected to get close to you? When will you and I ever be alone and have private time together with a bunch of bodyguards hovering . . . Oh, hold on! I think I just got it! You want it that way! You don’t want me here at all! I’m horrified! How could you, how dare you! Grrrrrrrrrr.
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Baby, you’ve got me all wrong, this isn’t what it looks like, I can explain, there’s really nothing going on here, Jane S is just a friend, she and I joke around a lot with no real intention of getting together, she means nothing to me, I can stop seeing her in a second if that’s what you want me to do, . . . Oh, the journal you found with all my notes about my undying love for Jane S and plans for a future with her, the doodles of me endlessly writing her name with my surname behind it, the maps of her daily and weekly routines, the collage of photos I’ve taken of her from afar with the long range lens, those upcoming airline tickets and the frequent flyer miles to Minneapolis, er, um, well you can’t expect me to just go cold turkey, can you? Grrrrrrr.
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“Stalking“ is such an ugly word, my Dear. We here at Randall D Randolph and Associates prefer the term “expressing a keen interest from afar”. After all, it’s what you and Jane and all the other women hired me for and it’s why you hired me to do it, correct? The wanton lust that I show for you certainly strokes your ego in the way that you sought when you signed the contract with me, right?
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Wait, I have no memory whatsoever of any such “forsaking all others” clause in that contract of yours! Are you sure you didn’t distract me with sammiches as I was signing that day, and you had me in the weeds of the small print, tricking me into agreeing to things without full knowledge of the obligations? Grrrrrrr.
Whew! Im glad you’re willing to reconcile! You’re right: you show me yours and I’ll show you mine. We can cover the ins and outs of the arrangement, I hope you don’t mind that I really like to take my time with these sorts of things from top to bottom, it’s just that with such a late start, there’s a possibility it will be an all-nighter. (Cough, cough.)
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