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Baybreeze

Would you 'let go' of awful , traumatic behavior from a parent, if they have a mental illness?

I'm just curious what others would do.. would you let go or forgive a parent who is very mentally ill (borderline psychopath) or say it doesn't matter of 'illness' , abuse is abuse? Some have told me that ill or not, trauma (screaming, belittling, hitting, shaming, bullying) is NOT acceptable.. (BUT this person is very ill .... ) I do not know whether to cut ties COMPLETELY or just say, well she's my 'mom' ,  and ill... so I'll still stay in contact here or there. What would you do? I am currently living w/her due to anxiety I've had /PTSD and finances... I just feel sometimes if I didn't completely cut ties, I may n ot find the true healing I need.. I don't know  :/

Posted - December 20, 2016
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Responses


  • Nope.

    If I let it go it would only be for my own benefit, not their's.  People don't get to abuse others and then claim it's not their fault because they have a mental illness.  Nope, nope,nope.
      December 20, 2016 11:43 AM MST
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  • 46117
    Blaming a mentally ill person for something which they cannot control is akin to blaming a dog for not understanding the Bible. 
      December 20, 2016 11:47 AM MST
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  • 1138
    Hmm, so when she said she'd kill me, in a rage.. I should say 'it is just the illness' ... ?????
      December 20, 2016 11:48 AM MST
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  • 46117
    Yes, dear.  It is not a rational state of mind.  And, if they have a mental illness, they need to be under some professional care.  You are not expected to understand, but to save your own sanity, please try and not judge them either.   Smile and move on if you can possibly.  No use ruining your day because they want it ruined.  You control you. 
      December 20, 2016 11:51 AM MST
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  • 1138
    I do know it is partly the illness :( but, it is so hard to let it go, when she has threatened me and took away my very SELF.. :/  I have never even dated, b/c I thought i was dumb, incapable etc, b/c of it...
      December 20, 2016 11:51 AM MST
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  • 46117
    Now, you need to take care of you.  You cannot do this by yourself.  You need some professional counseling and not just me here and there trying to give you feedback.  You are carrying a huge burden on your shoulders because of the damage this person's mind and mouth have caused you.   You need tools to cope and seeing someone will aid in your recovery of being adjusted and happy once more. 

    At least consider getting some books on the subject.   Start with that.  I want you to have something to help YOU feel better and soon.   When good solutions are offered to you, you can look forward to empowering yourself.   When good solutions are offered, you don't need to feel depressed and hopeless.   The last thing you want is to hand your power over to a mentally ill person and let the memory of what they did influence how you think.   This includes  yourself, or about anything. This post was edited by WM BARR . =ABSOLUTE TRASH at December 20, 2016 1:17 PM MST
      December 20, 2016 11:55 AM MST
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  • 1138
    Thank you I AM... that means a lot. I do need to focus on 'me'.. i guess realizing I DO have a right to be 'me. :( she would say you dont' have a right.. You don't have a right (to so many things... since I was 3 yrs. old.. ) so I have thought, I guess I don't. I need to realize it was very Not true :/
      December 20, 2016 11:57 AM MST
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  • A psychopath isn't excused for abusing people just because they are a psychopath.   Sorry, but they don't in my opinion.  You're victims are still victims of you.  It's wrong to say the victim of abuse is the one who has to work with them.  When they refuse to get help for there condition and instead choose to abuse others and put pain on them then their is blame for that.  Until they seek  help they don't deserve forgiveness IMHO.
      December 20, 2016 12:05 PM MST
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  • 46117
    Hi.  I am not excusing them.  People with mental illnesses have a myriad of conditions.  Psychopath is only one.   I have no better handle on what to do with them than you do.  I do know for my own sanity, I need to look at them and not take anything they do personally. 

    If they need to be locked up, lock them up.  But for the sake of society, I wish to try and get them help.     Shooting them, or jailing them because they piss you off is not solving a thing.  The jails are filled with the mentally ill.  Some belong there and many do not and many more could lead normal productive lives if they had the proper care.

    I don't care what some numbnuts tries to do to me.  I stay out of harm's way.   That is all you can do about it.  Get out of there, or call the police.

    Who cares about forgiveness if you are mentally ill? They don't.  So why pretend that is an issue.  The forgiveness is your gift to yourself so you can move on.    Let it go.  They are nuts.  Pity them.   

    You get mad at them?  It weakens you.  Don't let your feelings about some nut fester.   Let it go. 
      December 20, 2016 12:16 PM MST
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  • We really aren't on different pages here.  
      December 20, 2016 12:24 PM MST
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  • 1138
    I agree , that in some instances you need to let 'some' of their behavior go. However other times, she did know FULL well what she did and said, that were just AWFUL, and it literally took AWAY my very self over years. It took away my voice, and being.. I've pretended i was invisible for people, to PLEASE them :/  I'd JUMP at a whim whenever she needed ANY thing (if u didn't you'd be screamed at, lunged at, threatened.... ) This happened weekly for 30 YEARS o fmy life. It became a complete fog in my early 20's - I mean this was utterly NORMAL to me, that this is what I 'was' (now I know I am not the horrible things she said) and I thought, this is life... so now when  a guy even wants to touch me, or flirt, I feel so off :( I feel how do I deserve that, or I feel so uncomfortable that that is not normal at all to me- yet I crave that inside very very much :/  So this is why, I t is very , very hard to 'let it go'....  I think it is ok to get mad at someone who nearly took away your very soul and being-  but, do I want to be mad, no.  I want to just separate myself completely of this all- I think that may be my best bet. Ty so much for your thoughts , I AM. I do agree that mentally ill people can very m uch get help and be productive too..  Happy Holidays
      December 20, 2016 3:55 PM MST
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  • 1138
    Ty Glis.. NO ONE shoudl be abused and belittled each day like she did to me, no matter what.. I think the same. Ty so much for that... I just don't know whether to cut ties completely .. ppl have said yes you should. Or, still contact here or there .... 
      December 20, 2016 11:54 AM MST
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  • You got to answer that one for yourself and if you do cut them out completely there's a good chance you may change your mind a little when you find yourself stronger in confidence and in a better place.  
      December 20, 2016 11:59 AM MST
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  • I let go... and I did overlook/write it off due to illness... and for years as an adult yes, I went to see her at least once a week...I took my kids, all three.. and unbeknownst to me my younger son HATED her because she used to laugh about what she did to me.... so it wasn't always easy to pretend nothing happened throughout all those years of my childhood...Towards the end my mum had pushed almost everyone who cared about her away.. she was drinking very heavily..... but I did stay in touch, I did go see her.. not enough for sure but I tried....

    And funny thing was... after her death I came to love her... i came to see that bad as she was, (and she surely WAS) she wasnt ALL bad... there were good things about her.. I have inherited her silly sense of humour, I remember all the WISE things she said.. like be true to thine own self... etc etc.. she was intelligent, very intelligent, she was funny.. but she had so many demons .. after her death I felt very, very sorry for her... she never understood why she was so awful, she hated and blamed herself more than anyone else ever could.. which only made it worse to be honest... 

    Now i see the good only...
      December 20, 2016 12:49 PM MST
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  • 1615
    Take I am's  advise and go for professional counseling, don't hesitate  you won't regret it.
      December 20, 2016 12:56 PM MST
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  • I hope no one minds me answering twice... having read the other responses and being able to see both sides as I surely can.... I can definitely see yours @baybreeze  - I've been there.. and I just wanted to tell you... you *CAN* heal, it wont ever be forgotten you will always know what happened...but you can get over it... I don't pretend it's easy... I am 52 now and I think I am ok... but it takes time..a lot of it but i promise it's possible to come out the other side ok 
      December 20, 2016 1:01 PM MST
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  • 1128
    Dealing with anybody, especially a mentally ill relative is one of the hardest things one can experience. It would benefit both YOU and your mom to seek help.  You might need to take a break from her, if if there is physical abuse.  
    My son was in a coma for over a month.  We didn't know if he was going to live or die. He came out of the coma but had severe brain trauma and never has been the same. We had to get help in dealing with his behaviors because he is too close for me to be objective.  Wishing you the best.
      December 20, 2016 1:16 PM MST
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  • 7939
    There is a difference between letting go and accepting where the behavior comes from versus subjecting yourself to it time and time again. Yes, it is possible to forgive and heal after abuse from a parent, but that doesn't mean you have to allow them to continue to abuse. Creating distance and stopping the abuse is the first step. Forgiveness and acceptance should come later.
      December 20, 2016 2:44 PM MST
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  • 7280
    A psychopath with a gun is no less dangerous because he is a psychopath; nor will the bullet he shoots at you do less damage because it was fired by someone who is mentally ill.

    Your primary job is to cease to allow her to do you harm.  A close second is to prevent her from extending her range of influence to harm her grandchildren as well.

    After eliminating the possibility of further damage to you and those you have a responsibility to protect, you need to heal from the damage and hurt you and they have already suffered at her hands.

    And DO NOT forgive her too quickly.  She had no right to do what she did to you and yours, you all deserved better than that, and your energy has to be used to recover.  Use your anger at her for what she has done help you heal.

    Commend her to God's care now---He already loves and cares about her more than you every could under the best of circumstances.

    Later, ask Him to help you forgive her appropriately.

    And yes, professional help is a great idea.  Issues like this are difficult to deal with and some help in determing what is the best course to pursue for all involved can make all the difference in the world.

    Best of luck---this can be done. This post was edited by tom jackson at December 20, 2016 6:33 PM MST
      December 20, 2016 4:38 PM MST
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  • 1138
    Thank you , Tom. I really took all this in and read it slowly. It is very hard currently to prevent her from 'trying' to inflict awful words on me, b/c I live with her. I am saving up to get away and my own place; it is quite scary though.. I know that when I'm out, I should NOT be around her again for a Long, long time. (or ever, some say to me. ) Not having a mother, or any family who could help me if I ever needed is so sad, and scary :/  My father has said "I'll help you" when I get out, but he is an alcoholic, and recently even physically assaulted me and how can I ask someone who will back  her, and awful words, to help ? I wish I had been adopted mos tdays..  it got bad over the years, and my family looked the other way and it started to eradicate my self esteem a lot .... I've never even dated and am in early 30's :(  I feel who the hell would want to be w/a woman who has been abused, trauma, and has anxiety ?? Yet I'm very nurturing, loving, kind, it's just a matter of NOT being afraid to let myself allow love .... I thank you for saying 'she had no right do what she did'.. many just say oh move on... I have PTSD, would you just say to the battered soldier, oh move on??? No. I have tried, and it is hard .  I try each day though, and ty again SO much for the last words 'this can be done' Hugggggggg
      December 20, 2016 6:39 PM MST
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  • 3523
    My mother tried to drink her way out of her depression.  Sometime she was verbally abusive when she drank.  I can't really comment on your situation because she died when I was 15, 50 years ago.  I will say though that once she died my life only got a little better because I went to live with my aunt, her identical twin who had similar problems.  Once I gained complete control over my own life, things did get much, much better.  Now that I am so far removed from that situation I will say that because of her mental illness, she was not to blame and I forgive her.  I know this probably doesn't help much but I had to say something to try to help. This post was edited by CallMeIshmael at December 21, 2016 7:04 AM MST
      December 20, 2016 7:29 PM MST
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