How do you handle a betrayal from someone you were very close to like a family member, best friend, or romantic partner?

So, to the point of the question, how do you deal with all that? 

Answer was at the end... prepare for a rough ride, accept you are going to go through all these emotions, accept it's going to take time.. be gentle with yourself... 

I would say it's all the same emotions and stages as grief over a death and then some.

The fact that they aren't physically dead is really hard because there is no real finality until you truly can forgive and/or not think about them every day in a negative way.

What you say is true .. somehow you have to move past it ... just don't ask me how ... as someone said to me once, one day you'll get over this..why not make that day today... good luck

Thank-you Ozgirl.  This is still pretty fresh and it's been a year of loss, starting with the death of our mother.  I think that was the breaking point for this latest.  Obviously my sister isn't dealing with our mother's death too well.  I put myself out there, even knowing she was toxic.  That was a mistake on my part.

This is going to take time and working through a lot of emotions.

Don't forget to treat yourself kindly :)

I'm working towards that.  

DTD, thank-you for taking the time to explain how it made you feel when you experienced it.  The biggest emotion right now is; "how did I NOT see this coming?"  Of course there was a history with this sibling, but this latest revelation of how hateful she really was, was absolutely a complete shock.  I always prided myself in being able to "forgive", especially if they are family, but having that quality sometimes makes me feel "suckered punched".   

Disbelief is a big one.. and the worse thing is that you go through all these emotions, changing from one to another and back again but it seems to me one of the worse is the disbelief, how could they, why didn't i see this coming...   It's truly an awful thing to be betrayed.. 

Like you I KNEW the certainly one of them had that potential.. i just thought he wouldn't do that to me...to me! I thought he had standards... but clearly he didn't and your sister didn't.. that's hard to accept.. but it's something we have to accept.

Disbelief is exactly right.  I kept saying to my husband, "how could she do that after I have always forgiven her for everything else she ever did to me?"  His answer was pretty spot on.  He said that when you are kind yourself, you tend to want to see that trait in everyone else.  

It's because you have always forgiven her for everything else that she did what she did.  She has gotten away with it every time before, why do you think it would be any different now?  Your husband is exactly right.  It's especially true when it comes to siblings.  Kindness isn't a genetic trait.  You can't imagine they are doing what they are doing.  You grew up in the same house.  You ask yourself, didn't they learn the same things I did?  Don't they love me as much as I love them?  The answer is "no" PeaPod.   She didn't & she doesn't. She has proven it by what she has done in the past and now, this last incident.   Her concept & understanding of sisterly love is different from yours.  Before you can begin to move forward & heal yourself, you need to understand and accept that your moral compass and hers are not the same.  

You need to recognize that you must let your sister go.  You need to cut the cord completely.  The fact is, we can't choose our relatives. However, we can choose who we allow to stay in our lives.  You said it yourself here and on other threads -- she is toxic & it's a toxic relationship.  As difficult as it is, you need to cut her out of your life. Completely.  View her as you would a friend who has betrayed you.  We all have friends we have cut out of our lives for one reason or another.  Siblings should not be treated any differently just because they are related or no matter how much we loved them at one time.  Once you realize that your life & emotions are always thrown into chaos & upheaval by your sister and that you can't, and don't want to, live with that anymore you will find the strength to cut the ties.  There is nothing to feel guilty about.  I think THAT is why you are having trouble with all of this.  You feel guilty for wanting to cut her out.  Please don't.  We aren't responsible for the things and the people we don't have control over.  We are only responsible for ourselves and our own happiness.  You owe it to yourself to live a happy drama free life with your immediate family.  Do not let her control your emotions.  You are the only one who should be doing that.

Thank-you so much for all you wrote here Harry.  I appreciate the time you took to give your perspective.  

She wasn't always toxic.  A little over dramatic maybe, but I never really knew her to have a true mean side.  I also can't deny that her years of drinking have changed her, along with the deaths of our parents.  She moved away years ago, so I really had no way to really gauge the changes that were going to lead to such a bad ending.  

My mom's dying wish was for all of us to look out for each other and I took that seriously.  But my Mom would never tolerate anyone abusing her and she too had many siblings she was estranged from.  

I do plan to live my life not looking to repair this one.  The girl I mourn is simply gone and I need to accept that.  I'm sure some of this grief is just an extension of losing my last living parent.  

I do have some wonderful people in my life that I don't ever need to question.  

Hopefully time will dull this latest wound and I won't look back too much once I heal. 

I wrote all that before I read your responses to others and gathered more info on what actually happened.  I am sorry she did this you.  I do think you are right, this is all tied into losing your mother.  You have now lost two people permanently, both under terrible circumstances.  But, you also feel you have lost all those connections with family and friends that helped you in the grieving process.  She took that away from you and you are rightfully angry over that.

Hopefully, some of those people will reconnect with you in time.  If she does this kind of stuff on a regular enough basis, she will burn those bridges too.  Guaranteed.  

Yes, I have found that loss of any kind, takes time. Each of us has our own "expiration date" on that.  Some of us take much longer than others.  That's okay.  Just make sure you don't lose yourself in the process.  I found for me, it helped to volunteer and do something for others.  Years ago, I got involved with a couple of local rescue groups and started to foster and retrain problem dogs so they could find their permanent homes.  It was frustrating and rewarding at the same time.  Doing that allowed me to get my priorities straight and focus on what was important & positive in my life.  

I could hug you Harry.  I really could and I thank-you again for sharing more insight.  You nailed it all with what has me so broken right now.  I do feel like she ripped away my support system, at least the one I grew accustomed to. 

But you know what?  Like you, I know I need to put my energy into something positive in order to heal.  I am committed to spending more time with those that do care and getting more active in the things that bring me joy.  I'm glad you found something to get involved with yourself.  I too used to do animal rescue work with a volunteer group and it is tough, but rewarding work.

I don't envy my sister at all because I have seen her throw away more relationships than I can count on two hands.  I was delusional to think my turn wasn't coming.  And it will be her loss because I think there will come a day where she won't have anyone left to blame for all her problems.  I may be the last person left that grew up with her and truly understood her.

I can tell you that the longer you are removed from it, the easier it gets to see everything clearly & objectively.  You realize that blame and holding onto the anger leave you always feeling mentally drained and crappy.  It does become much easier once both your parents have been gone for a while.  I've accepted the fact that just because we are related, doesn't mean it's healthy for my mental state to continue interacting with them.  I've accepted that no matter what I do or say, they haven't changed their spiteful, hateful ways.  I couldn't have a conversation without it turning into an argument or a trip down memory lane about things that happened 40 - 50 years ago which don't matter or have any bearing on our lives now.  

I have found when I don't think about or speak with them, I'm happy and content with my life.  Early on, I found if I allow thoughts of them to creep into my mind, I should instead focus on doing something positive for myself.  That could either be going out to dinner with someone I love, reading a good book, watching a good movie, taking a drive to a town I haven't visited before, taking a long walk, exercising, cleaning out a drawer I've been avoiding, or short training exercises with the dog.  As time has passed, the thoughts are less frequent and when I do think of them, I just don't feel anything anymore except maybe sorry for them in that they have chosen to live with such anger in them.  Bottom line is: it's really a relief to realize that you can control who you choose to allow to share your life with.  It very relaxing knowing I'm surrounded by or in contact with people who love me and situations of my choosing.  I'm so much happier now that I rarely think about them and I certainly don't care what they are doing.  I don't wish them ill.  I do wish they would finally move on with their lives & not hold onto the negatives for their own sake but, I don't waste any more of my time dwelling on it. 

Just reading all that you are saying here Harry and it's exactly the sort of things I need to remember.  

When the hurt is still fresh like this, it's easy to go back into that "Denial" stage.  I have an image of my sister before she became this miserable and jaded adult.  We both grew up in a very dysfunctional place and I guess I survived it better.  I don't wallow in hurts that happened a long time ago.  I have enough on my present day plate to keep my mind busy.  

Somehow in a weak moment, we slip back to that thinking of what we could have done differently.  But honestly, there is nothing I would change.  I know who I am.  I always said I have some of the greatest people around me and if I was any of those things my sister portrays, I wouldn't have them.  

As time marches on, I agree with you that blows like this will soften and this won't be in the foreground of all my thoughts.  Talking to others like you that have experienced this is very helpful.  I thank-you again for sharing.

You are welcome.  I haven't been on here that long but your posts are always thoughtful, loving, down to earth, and RATIONAL!!!  Your responses are always logical and reasoned.  You have struck me as being one of the kindest people on here.  Please, recognize that people just can't hide who they are when they write.

When you're having a weak moment, please don't hesitate to PM me.  Let me know what you need from me -- I can either offer words of encouragement or if you prefer, I can slap you verbally upside the head to remind you how much better your life is now.  Your choice!   

LOL well that's certainly one way :P  I erm did some things that were retribution, not direct revenge but I Knew he would suffer knowing..  but I still think that the biggest punishment for him, and perhaps for pea's sister.. is to remove them from our life... That's a hurt that will go on and on.. 

I had thought about giving her some of the same medicine, but then I would lose who I am.  I have to believe that the old saying, "Happy people don't go around destroying others" is true.  She has to be miserable to lash at someone that has always loved and cared about her, no matter how mad she made me.

Peapod, there is no blanket solution to this scenario, I just expressed my own thinking. Surely variables to every situation will dictate the best path. 

 Trust me.  Your answer is solid.  I hate caring about people that probably haven't deserved it for some time.  I hope she comes across someone that won't quietly retreat and knows what it all feels like.

I wish I had that ability.  Of course I hope karma will serve her up good because she has hurt a lot of people over the years, including other family that wanted to see the best in her.