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Baybreeze

Did you ever overcome a fear you had for years?

I'd like to over come the fear of love/dating.. I long for it so much, as it is natural, yet fear rejection :(  I also fear being in passenger side of car, and trying to over come that; what do you fear, and did you overcome it... ? How?

Posted - March 12, 2017
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Responses


  • Acrophobia.

    I didn't think I'd ever beat it and then, when I was about 30, I was in a position where I had to help a terrified young guy down a cliff without getting both of us killed. I learned something that day and started pushing it back. I haven't quite defeated it but now I can go almost anywhere and do almost anything. 
      March 13, 2017 12:36 AM MDT
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  • Hi Baybreeze,

    I was thinking of you just the other day…as I watched one of my fears arise, and then just gently subside, giving way to something softer…

     …because for me, I never actually did overcome my fears; it is more that they don’t really interfere with my life anymore. As I look back now, the metaphors for ‘struggle’ and ‘overcome’ did not work for me.

    * * *
    What would you think of just softly focusing more on things you CAN do?

    That seems to be how I approached things…so, can you sit in the passenger side of a car when it is not moving, and there is no one else around? Can you sit there when the car is in an open field, not moving but with someone you trust behind the wheel? Then, what if the trusted driver starts the car, and moves it only ten feet then stops? And then enough for that day, doing it again tomorrow...

     I am trying to think of how I began dating…maybe it was college classes, starting with class discussions, proceeding to walking together after class to the student union building for coffee, maybe studying together…in other words, forming a comfortable, trusting friendship before any thoughts of a date as such…

    Something else for you to consider; I actually feel now that my fears are part of my own uniqueness, they open doors of understanding for me, in other words my fears eventually turned out to be an asset! I prolly would not want to get rid of them now, even if I could.

     * * *
    One last thought; and that is, I think bringing your tender vulnerabilities to a Q/A site as you are is a wonderful place to begin, talking with people, various options, just letting your fears get out in the open, with some relaxing…familiarity...

      March 13, 2017 2:09 PM MDT
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  • 1138
    Virginia, you are just wonderful and I'm so happy you are my friend here and I appreciate all your words!! :) I have practiced with my sister driving while I'm in the passenger side of car, and now I can go many miles with her driving (because I know I can tell her to slow down if I need).. with friends, I still don't go b/c I feel I couldn't say 'slow down a bit' without sounding pushy.. and to tell them my fear makes me feel so small and strange :/ I really liked though how you said to go little by little, ten feet then stop, then a lil more the next day. And also to just maybe think of a guy as JUST friends before any 'date' . I'm so nervous w/that still because I fear most guys want intimacy or a relationship right away and aren't interested in becoming friends. :/ That's not ALL guys, but a lot. So I just hope day after day i will find a guy who I can really just BE myself with and be friends FIRST- he must be out there. Where I don't have to feel so incredibly nervous to go on a date, but once I know him, it will feel natural. I'm so happy this outlet exists at Answermug, and for people like you who are so kind and give really great feedback, thx V :) P. S. you ARE unique !
      March 16, 2017 10:42 AM MDT
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  • Hi Baybreeze, ty for kind words...actually, maybe because I have fears too, so can (partly) understand what it feels like...

    1. Play with the idea of indeed, telling certain carefully chosen people about your fear(s)...you may be surprised the acceptance and understanding you might find.
    2. With the guys, my thought would be for friendly connections with lots of them, but making clear limits when you see a friendship going where you are uncomfortable. Example, he might be a great friend to study for exams with, or work on a church project, but not someone you want to share a long ride in the countryside with.
    Even in our era of sexual liberation, the woman still needs to be the one to call the shots.
      March 16, 2017 11:40 AM MDT
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  • 1138
    Thanks Virginia *huggg. I get so hung up on a man's expectations of me that I decline dates:( I just figure they'd find something that is strange about me or that I'm not confident and ditch me. I often forget 'I' can also call shots and not be dictated what I need to do or feel ...ty so much.  I hope your evening is great and relaxing , You deserve it :)
      March 16, 2017 6:38 PM MDT
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  • Oh yes dear Baybreeze, quite a lovely day here, promising of spring, wish you a lovely evening also.
      March 16, 2017 6:55 PM MDT
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  • 22891
    it doesnt bother me to talk in front of a class like it used to
      March 13, 2017 2:52 PM MDT
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  • 7792
    Overcoming anything seems to be out of my reach. What I do is push that fear into the back of my mind until it decides to come back. At that point. it's already manifested itself into yet another mental illness. This post was edited by Zack at March 16, 2017 7:48 PM MDT
      March 16, 2017 11:43 AM MDT
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  • 1138
    See I don't consider fears we have 'mental illness'... I get anxiety a lot, and actually it began to rule my life the last few years :/ I still don't consider myself 'mentally ill'- it is a reaction (anxiety ) to trauma I've had in life, and I know that, yet it still sucks and feels like I'm less than others b/c they don't deal with things like that- they are confident and feel their self worth. Don't think overcoming anything is 'out' of your reach Ok???? It's not.... I just read this awesome quote last night that I think is going to help me, and maybe you too- it said, ' Once you have begun to distinguish that it's all invented, you can create a place to dwell where new inventions are the order of the day. Such a place we call, 'the universe of possibility'. ~ Ben and Rosamund Zanders, The Art of Possibility.  I really liked it and I hope it helps even a bit for you as well...
      March 16, 2017 6:42 PM MDT
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