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Baybreeze

Any members here ever feel /felt so Alone, and have no one in their life?

How did you go on, cope? I feel alone, but not only feel that way, but am. I have two abusive mentally ill parents that have threatened me, mocked me, belittled me my entire life, and b/c of my low self esteem/PTSD, I'm still living here. I have no adult (even though I'm an adult) in my family who can console me/help me. My two friends are very self absorbed. And I've never dated b/c of the very low self image I've had for years, it scares me a lot- to think a guy will accept me and want to be with 'me' over a woman who hasn't been through years of abuse. So I feel so alone and scared to be out on my own ,e ven though I do long for it, b/c I'm an adult and I do have compassion, responsibility etc. If anyone has experienced even a tad similar dynamic, any tips or comments welcome how you trudged forward.

Posted - March 21, 2017
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Responses


  • 745
    I can relate to a lot of what you're describing here, just lately I've been having one of the most terrible depression episodes I've ever been in, and usually suicidal thoughts would roam around my head, it's a really shitty feeling. I have no idea how one can overcome this, some days are better than others, others are totally hellish. Sometimes I feel like the "party pooper" like I'm bumming everyone out and they'd be happy without me around. I guess we need to reach out to someone, it ain't easy, but places like AM exist and thank goodness for this because even if doesn't really cure our ailments, at least it makes us feel a bit better. You can DM anytime :) ♥
      March 21, 2017 3:24 PM MDT
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  • I've dealt with depression in the past and it's impossible to explain just how bad it is to anyone who hasn't experienced it.  You need to see your doctor and get some medicine, you've got an illness just like any other illness and need help to get over it.  Thoughts of suicide are part of this illess.

    Self preservation is our strongest instinct so when we actually think of harming ourselves then there is an imbalance in our brain chemistry.

    I feel so bad for you because I can remember that black pit of despair that won't even go away when you're sleeping.  It is indeed hellish because no matter what you try to do is overshadowed by the bleak feeling that you just want to close your eyes and escape.
      March 21, 2017 10:40 PM MDT
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  • 745
    That's very true! I tried in the past explaining my depression and the feelings I'm going through to very select close people around me and they'd never understand. It felt and still feels quite isolating. As for antidepressants, I tried those and while they helped, they also f***ed up my hormones. 

    But your message here gives me hope, if one can at least learn to live with it, then maybe that's sort of enough. Thank you :)
      March 23, 2017 11:49 AM MDT
    1

  • Sometimes it takes several tries with different types of antidepressants.  It took 3 with me fortunately I had a very understanding doctor who was willing to try until we found the right one.  I can see that messing around with your hormones must have been miserable to deal with but I would encourage you to give the medication another try.

    Nobody "gets it" unless they've lived through it.  I got so many people telling me to keep busy, go shopping, meet up with friends for an evening out.  All of which are impossible when you don't have the energy or the desire to pick your head off the pillow.  I would be talking on the phone with tears pouring down my face, not crying it was just this sadness coming from deep inside.

    Anytime you need to chat I'm here and I do understand exactly what you're faced with.
      March 23, 2017 8:56 PM MDT
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  • Long time ago.  It's when we learn how to love ourselves that others can love us.   It's always possible but removing one from the toxic situation has to happen before the process can really begin.
      March 21, 2017 3:56 PM MDT
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  • 6477
    Right now it seems everything sucks, but things can change, people can change -you can come through this and I hope you will. Can you access counselling? 
      March 21, 2017 4:09 PM MDT
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  • 1138
    Thx Daydream.. I am going to try to get into therapy, it has been daunting b/c the ones who specialize in childhood trauma that accept my insurance :/ I know a regular therapist might be able to help but not as much.. I am still searching though, ty so much friend.
      March 22, 2017 9:12 AM MDT
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  • Hi Baybreeze,

    As you already know, for me the family was okay it was more that the world itself was just too hard, too cold, way too difficult...
    As far as "trudging forward," consider just finding ways to spend time with more wholesome folks, get some experience successful in life? Volunteering comes to mind...an animal shelter, I have even heard that pet shops sometimes take in strays and try to help them?
    The local library; do they need a volunteer, are there free classes you can take there, a craft class, a book club? Places where you can feel unconditional, people not expecting too much of you, and then just let life unfold as you gain more confidence?
     
    Again I am always glad to see you on aMug...thoughts experiences from a variety of folk...oh btw, is there a hotline/crisis line in your community? To see if they have ideas for you...

    Are you comfortable with death and dying? The local hospice, my friend is dying and receiving hospice care and it is SO soothing for her...sometimes the hospice volunteers come and just play cribbage with her!

    * * *
    I feel you have a wonderful beauty inside you; even the username you chose, BAYBREEZE, such imagery such freedom, so lovely. This post was edited by Benedict Arnold at March 23, 2017 1:20 PM MDT
      March 21, 2017 4:38 PM MDT
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  • Nice.
      March 21, 2017 5:28 PM MDT
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  • 1138
    Aww you are so kind V, to say I have a beauty inside me*huggg. I might look into some classes at a library just to meet more people, but often they are still only concerned about their needs/welfare and are not that friendly... I think its' rare to find someone open and willing to listen to another, which I wish wasn't true ... but ty so much for these tips, they are great, and I always enjoy your ideas :)
      March 22, 2017 9:15 AM MDT
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  • 22891
    ive felt that way myself, ive gone thru emotional abuse too growing up and never had a boyfriend either
      March 21, 2017 6:00 PM MDT
    5