Discussion » Questions » Family » Continue reaching out to a grandmother who never does??
Baybreeze

Continue reaching out to a grandmother who never does??

I am very grateful to have a grandmother in my life still, but I wonder, would you continue to visit/talk etc. when that person (grandmother)NEVER reaches out to you first?
Not even once since I've become an adult years ago, has she called me, texted me , or invited me over to initiate seeing me. I have always visited her, asked her things, shown interest.. it becomes sad, b/c she does not ever invite me over, ever. Then says after its been a few months.. 'don't make it too long next time'... What!!! haha- I am the ONLY one consistently coming over/helping her/shopping for her, yet ONLY I have to initiate? Is this normal? Do I just be quiet and continue this? She is now 90 but has been this way for years.

Posted - April 1, 2017
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Responses


  • 1128
    Hi Baybreeze,  Yes I would still reach out to her.  I'm speaking as a mother, daughter, grandmother and yes great grandmother. I have 8 grandchildren from the ages of 24 to 6 years old.  My great grandbaby is also 6 years old.
    The reason I'm telling you this is because although I know my grandkids love me and come to see me when possible,  I sometimes feel that since my children have become older their life really doesn't include me. My kids love me as my grandkids do, but they all have different lives than I do. One daughter owns a small business, my other daughter is a full time mother who works hard.  My oldest daughter is raising my 6 year old autistic grandson, taking him to therapy and doctor appointments. So although we love one another we all realize that we have our own lives to live. I did not have a grandmother.  She died a year before I was born. Maybe your grandmother doesn't want to impose on you and that is why she waits for you to make the first move.
      April 1, 2017 1:54 PM MDT
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  • 5614
    Age is now her cover. You waited too long to complain and must now suck it up and continue being a good grandchild or risk the criticism of family members when when she tells them how neglectful you are. This post was edited by O-uknow at April 1, 2017 11:09 PM MDT
      April 1, 2017 2:57 PM MDT
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  • 495
    In the end no one will remember who contacted who first, it's the memories you can make that matter. Go and spend as much time as you can with her. Don't worry the little things, focus on doing things you both enjoy. 
      April 1, 2017 2:59 PM MDT
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  • 1138
    Well I do understand it is the memories; but she never shows affection either:( Never even 'how are you?' AND, I failed to mention this in my post, she doesn't even say 'hi' when I come in, just stares at me waiting for me to address/say hi. Its' like it would be BENEATH her to extend herself really, that is how it has felt for years now... not to contact me, show love/affection, or even say hi. I don't worry about it much but my aunt once asked me 'why do u continue to visit her when she treats you that way?' I thought that too :(  EAch person here says, it's her age, or just see her, but year after year of being the ONLY one showing or giving emotion or even a 'hi'; it begins to feel 'sad' in a way. My cousins are the same way, and I posted about that recently; i am ONLY one to initiate contact :/  I'm tired of being a people pleaser and I'm debating changing that little by litte.. ty dragon for your reply...
      April 1, 2017 11:13 PM MDT
    1

  • Hi Baybreeze,
    I see this like DragonFly...even though I would back off from the niece/nephew(s) you have mentioned, with Grandmother I would not count the beans.

    If the established pattern is fulfilling to you both, I would just keep on. However if Grandmother is showing some of the abusive motifs of your parents, then I might consider modifications.
      April 1, 2017 3:27 PM MDT
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  • 5808
    so "don't make it too long next time" :)
    ...in the way she can, she has reached out to you,
    ...to me it seems that way possibly...
      April 1, 2017 3:31 PM MDT
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  • Agree, I thought of that also.
      April 1, 2017 3:34 PM MDT
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  • 1138
    Thx B, she only said that recently; after YEARS of me being the only one to visit her/even say 'hi'.. :/ She calls and contacts her kids, yet not me, her grandchild. I will still see her, it just bothers me .... to be the only one to talk/ask questions/visit/initiate...  (ever). Ty for your reply, appreciate it B
      April 1, 2017 11:15 PM MDT
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  • 5835
    My mother never held me on her lap, never talked to me, never offered comfort for any reason. On one occasion she remarked that I was an accident. I lived in her basement, cooked for her, and drove her to church and shopping for the last six years of her life. Her friends thought she must be happy to have a son at home, but she told them no, she didn't care, and then she came home and told me about the exchange. I was pleased to be a good Christian and take care of her anyway.
      April 1, 2017 4:06 PM MDT
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  • At 90 years if age, I would just go with what you can share. Those are the real memories you will remember years from now. We never know what might have, or be taking place in her mind. More than likely, she would never see herself as you describe. Not really that unusual. 
      April 1, 2017 4:31 PM MDT
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  • I think you should pay attention to her because of what it means to you. Those things you do for her you should do because they make you feel good, because you feel it is the right thing to do. 
    I know my mother treasures my calls, but she never calls herself. I suppose she feels that im supposed to be the one calling.
    I am ok with it. When she dies, ill have the peace hat comes with doing whAt I felt I am supposed to do.

      April 1, 2017 5:40 PM MDT
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  • 132
    Baybreeze, keep reaching out to her...she big time appreciates it and remember our older generation can be forgetful.  :-)
      April 1, 2017 6:07 PM MDT
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  • 22891
    maybe she feels like shes bothering you if she initiates it, i dont even have parents around let alone grandparents, youre lucky
      April 1, 2017 9:30 PM MDT
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  • 1138
    I do feel lucky in taht she is the only one in my fam. who is not outright rude/abusive. I am grateful for that. HOwever I was mentioning to another poster here, she doesn't even say 'hi' when I come in, she waits and stares at me to say hi. I find it kind of weird ? And when I do chores/shopping for her, she barely says thank you as I'm leaving, says it so low I can barely hear her. I just don't get why you'd WANT to never ask about your own granddaughter, or show any love, or regard really. I have always suspected she is on a spectrum, b/c she also picks people apart, shows NO emotion over many things ... I love her, I just wondered if someone else would continue engaging like this. I won't stop seeing her, I just kind of limit time now b/c it makes me feel sad.. ty Pearl *huggg
      April 1, 2017 11:19 PM MDT
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  • 2465
    I think you should continue visiting and calling her, regardless of WHO initiates it. Just be grateful you still have her in your life because tomorrow it could be gone.  And it's then that you'll wish you COULD initiate one more visit. 
      April 2, 2017 12:51 AM MDT
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  • 1326
    I think you should be there for your grandmother with the knowledge you are doing your best for her out of a sense of duty to your conscience, and most importantly "whether you are eating or drinking or doing anything eless, do all things for God's glory." (1corinthians 10:31)in the end you will have the satisfaction that you were there for her. I had a beautiful grandmother, but I know of many of her generation that were not capable of showing affection because of their upbringing. Have you ever asked her about her childhood? In any case continue visiting her, knowing that what you are doing is very pleasing in God's eyes.
      June 21, 2017 11:41 PM MDT
    0