Discussion » Questions » Relationships » Would you keep ties with your father (bipolar and abusive) if you had no one else in your life?
Baybreeze

Would you keep ties with your father (bipolar and abusive) if you had no one else in your life?

I've asked this before yet am still in a dilemma. I hope to move out soon of a home which is abusive and chaotic (parents). I am an adult yet have been abused into adulthood as well (emotional and physical). When I can move past my anxiety and can have my own place I wonder whether to stay in contact with my father- he has been hot and cold with me my whole life, defended my ill abusive mother, and physically assaulted me last year. The only thing is, I will have no other person in my family (or friends) to help me financially if ever needed. Do I still have him somewhat in my life here /there, or cut him out completely yet having no one for any extra aid. I know in order to heal I NEED to cut him out even for a bit, but it is daunting to have no one in life to be there for you ... any similar experience welcome.

Posted - June 7, 2017
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Responses


  • 17620
    Is that you taking care of yourself?  That is the question and only you have the answer.
      June 7, 2017 5:24 PM MDT
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  • 1138
    I'd like to take care of 'me' (mainly believed now for years there was no me)... but imagine having not one other person , aunt, mother, father, cousin, friend, who would really be there for you when you have your own place... it seems sad and scary, but I am facing that- and trying to build up my own foundation /'me'. I know in my heart I should not have ties, but it still nags :/
      June 7, 2017 5:38 PM MDT
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  • 46117
    I don't know.  How could I?  I am not the daughter of an abusive bi-polar person who is the only one I have in the world.  I am not trying to give you a hard time, I just cannot relate to something I have no connection to.

    My dad had issues.  He was abusive.  But he was also very loving and he had an alcohol problem later on.  He tried his best.  He worked like the devil and paid all our bills and I had no wants.   So, how do I judge the man? I was not in his shoes.  

    Would I have stayed with him if he were the only one to care for me?  Of course.  I was a kid, what else could I have done?   By the time one is grown, they are used to the abuser, I guess. 

    But, I think if the relationship is toxic, you need to cut the ties and try and get into some support group for starters.

      June 7, 2017 8:13 PM MDT
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  • 1138
    Thanks for your advice and the words I really need to internalize ..that it IS toxic and remaining with any ties are not healthy...ty again
      June 7, 2017 9:21 PM MDT
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  • 7280
    "If I am not for myself who is for me?"---Hillel the Elder (Hillel was a famous Jewish religious leader, one of the most important figures in Jewish history. He is associated with the development of the Mishnah and the Talmud.)

    "Sooner or later, we all sleep alone"---Cher  ( https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=doT2a2ukwc8 )

    All of us have the right to avoid toxic people---for your own sake, you have the obligation to avoid him.  I highly recommend you find a counselor to support you as you go through this necessary and major transformation. This post was edited by tom jackson at June 7, 2017 11:56 PM MDT
      June 7, 2017 11:26 PM MDT
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  • 1138
    Thank you again Tom for another detailed reply; appreciate that. He is toxic, b/c he will be nice as pie one day then lash at me the next (for Nothing). Then defend my volatile, threatening mother over awful behavior... then wants to know where I've been every day , where I ate .. etc. I don't enjoy being drilled when he had the gall to hit me several times last year :(  I should have reported him but didn't. I actually called a counselor place today ironically.... ty for recommending that. I hope she can help me feel safe that I can do this on my Own, trusting 'me'. thanks Tom *hug
      June 7, 2017 11:55 PM MDT
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  • 7280
    You can do this !!!
      June 8, 2017 12:04 AM MDT
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  • 7280
    And with a cherry on top---thank you.
      June 8, 2017 12:28 AM MDT
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  • 1138
    Well Thank YOU actually T ... those words are very uplifting for someone who hasn't even felt a 'me' in a very long time... my identity was please others, make sure you can survive day to day from abuse, and work/school... that's it really. Trying to find dating /love now and my own place while cutting Ties with my dad is my next step; sometimes they seem insurmountable, but 'you can do this!' really made me smile ... thanks .
      June 8, 2017 7:26 PM MDT
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  • 22891
    thats up to you if you want to cut ties or not, but i wouldnt live there, you can always go stay in a homeless shelter if you dont have the money to move out or rent a room from someone, also, resorts will take in the homeless, i know cause i used to work in them and saw them do that
      June 8, 2017 5:47 PM MDT
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  • 1138
    Thank you Pearl ... *hugg
      June 8, 2017 7:27 PM MDT
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