Do I let my mom blow her money or make her get her dental work? O_o

Yes and no. There's no money left over at the end of the month for a dental payment. Ever. Even just covering real needs, she goes over what she has each month and I pay the difference. 

Splitting it, maybe... It's hard to explain. I don't know if you've ever known someone with brain trauma- something along the lines of a stroke, traumatic brain injury, or dementia. I kind of give a glimpse into the world with my blog "Helping My Mother Understand." I would feel really good if she used half of it toward dental expenses, maybe prepaid her cremation/ burial, and left the rest of that half for her incidentals that I've been paying for. The other half- she could knock herself out with. I wouldn't care if she blew it all at the casino in one go- I just want to make sure her true needs are seen to, but that isn't the way her mind works. She's not going to be happy if any amount is set aside- she will want every penny for things she doesn't need. Maybe she'll ask to move or want a dog she can't care for. Maybe she'll want to stockpile cigarettes and beer (the very things that caused her stroke). In any case, any amount I pull from the pot will be "too much" in her mind.

I do like the logic and appreciate your thoughtful answer, but I still think it leaves me back at square one, because I know her, and I know she isn't going to be ok with any amount being set aside. 

As is so often the case, I wish I had a magic wand that could take people's pain and problems away. I hope some of Harry's advice proves useful. Your situation certainly doesn't lend itself to easy answers. Sounds like she's not going to be happy with whatever you do, nor would the intensity of your battles diminish if you gave her every penny of the inheritance. Seems the bottom line is doing whatever you believe to be in her best interests, then continuing to fight the good fight. I really do wish you the very best.  

Thank you.

I actually used to be a dental assistant, so I'm familiar. I've been trying to edge her into getting at least some of the work done for a couple of years, even if it meant just treating a single tooth.

My mom is on Medicare and Social Security. The way it works is that she pays a cost share to her residence each month and she's allowed to keep about $100 of what SS sends her. Medicare covers so much. Her home, her physical care, food, prescriptions, and even Depends are covered. But, out of the $100 she can keep, we have to pay for a phone at $35 (free track phones don't seem to get service where she is), bed pads at another $30, and her carton of smokes are around $50... in other words, the money is more than spent, long before we get into hygiene supplies (deodorant, soap, shampoo...), hair cuts, clothes, or any other odds and ends. We meet with a caseworker every 3 months and a doctor every 3 months and each one asks her if she'll consider quitting smoking. She won't. That's the biggest money leak, but she holds onto it tightly, and she knows that it's at the expense of being able to go out and do things or buy other supplies. Medicaid didn't cover dental at all, but medicare will cover some of the cost of her extractions, but not the dentures. 

The rules of guardianship are difficult and unclear. While you're expected to make decisions in the ward's best interests, you're also supposed to give them autonomy and respect their wishes as much as possible. So, I don't think a judge would give me crap about using my mom's money on her teeth only, but one never knows. I actually had a huge fallout with one of my siblings while I was taking physical care of my mom. I won't get into too many details here, but although I was making decisions based on what the doctors said, and had the support of one brother, the other disagreed with my decision. He and I have not spoken, aside from brief interactions about my mom's health, since the fallout- about two years ago now. So, whatever decision I make, I have to be able to justify it to both a court (if it ever comes up)and to my siblings. Granted, my brothers don't get a "say," legally, but I want to respect their wishes as well. Plus, they have the potential to make my life miserable if I do something that displeases them, so whatever choice I make, I will have to make with conviction that it's in her absolute best interests because there's almost a guarantee that at least one person in the family or a judge will question it at some point. 

I do think the dental expenses are worth the fight over, and the answers here seem to back that up. Thank you for taking the time to give a solid response. :)

Thank you.

Thank you- you made some good points. Once it sunk in that my mom was getting any money, my first worry was that she'd lose all her benefits. Thank goodness inheritances are exempt. At least the research I did said as much. If not for that, I actually would have tried to stop her from getting it. They don't make you spend it down when you're trying to qualify for benefits- they outright deny you or cancel your benefits. And, the benefits are far more valuable than the inheritance. Oh my gosh. I fought for nine months to get her qualified as disabled, which was ridiculous because Wisconsin already had her receiving disability benefits, but Arizona wouldn't cough them up. :o 

The kicker is that they're mailing her the docs. My aunt called me yesterday and asked if I received them. I verified the address and found out they sent them to my mom. Ugh. So, if she had the presence of mind to check her mailbox, she already knows. And, there's a possibility they may even mail her the checks. Double ugh. I have to work on that on my end because she can't keep track of anything. 

Anyway, I'm sorry you're in a similar situation, but I appreciate that you have a unique understanding of the situation and am grateful for your thoughtful response. Thank you! Wishing you and yours all the best.

In NY, they make you spend it down before they approve your Medicaid application.  They allow you to keep $14,500 or so for personal expenses not covered.  I supposed that's really only fair since the home that she's in costs $13,000 a month if you aren't covered, so we didn't have long to wait before she reached bottom.  They were mailing things to my mom at the home and I would find them in her drawer when I went to see her.  I managed to get all the addresses changed to mine, so now I get it all. 

Good luck with whatever you decide.  It isn't easy making decisions sometimes.

Yes, the law here is similar, but I think it's only something like $5,000 or maybe even $3,000. I don't know the exact amount anymore and it wasn't really relevant at the time. My mom really had nothing when she got approved for state Medicaid. They allowed her to move onto Medicare two years after she first qualified for disability, and it seems Medicare doesn't care how much you inherit once you're already enrolled. If she had other money, they might, but from what I read, inheritances are different. 

Oh man, $13,000 a month? I know NY rates are substantially higher than costs here, but wow. My mom doesn't need memory care and her condition isn't progressive, so I'm sure that makes a major difference as well, but even still... medical care costs are insane. 

New York is very expensive when you need continuous care.  When my mom first was having difficulties, we tried to keep her at home where we thought she would be more comfortable.  at the time, my dad was in the nursing home, also with dementia and a host of other issues.  She needed to have two 12-hour shift aides because she would leave the house in the middle of the night.  The two aides, round-the-clock were $8,000 a month, plus her rent and utilities which was another $1,000 and then food on top of that and car services to take mom to see my dad.  One day, one of the aides called and asked me to bring a fire extinguisher.  I asked why and she said that while the aide was in the bathroom, my mom hot hold of a pack of matches and was lighting them.  That was when we knew that we had to get her into a home and we got her into the same one, same room, as my dad.  Now, it costs us nothing because the home accepts her Social Security payments and Medicaid picks up the rest.  The best part is that I know she is being well cared for, there's someone around all the time, and my sisters and I can sleep at night.

Wow. Thank you for sharing. It sounds like you've done a great job with it all and your story helps put things in perspective a bit. 

I'm sure there are a few people who are in this situation and any time I can help make the situation easier to deal with, I'm happy to help. 

Hmm... I wonder if you're referring to the difference between guardianship and conservator. Some states split the two duties. The guardian can handle some financial affairs, but it's usually supposed to be carrying things out in accordance with the person's wishes. i.e. You can open a bank account, pay bills, and things of that nature. The conservator role is purely a financial one, and the rules go more into allowing you to invest on behalf of the person and engage in other similar financial things. You also have to submit financial records to the court, saying what the person brought in and how it was spent.

When I was named my mom's guardian in Wisconsin, it was after they removed her husband as guardian for financial abuse. He took her Social Security checks and spent them on himself instead of paying her residence. So, the state wasn't going to name me conservator. Not a big deal. They appointed a company to handle her finances, while I had guardianship. However, when I moved her here, her WI guardianship ended, and I had to go through the process from scratch. In this case, I needed to be able to make financial decisions. In that case, I was named both guardian and conservator.  The second designation gives me the right to essentially veto her financial decisions when I feel it's in her best interests, but I also have to be able to justify why I denied her requests to a judge. Well, I have to be able to justify any action I take, whether she approves or not. There's just more potential for backlash if my mom, one of my brothers, or the judge disagrees with my decision, and, their opinion can be totally arbitrary. 

No, I am not.  

Interesting. I wonder why that is. That makes no sense to me. 

Never did to me either.  I was charged with doing what was in my brother's best interests, and for the most part allowed to do so.  The one time it became an issue, the doctor did not disagree with me, but chose to side with my brother because...I don't know, he thought it in his best interest?  Or perhaps just did not wish to deal with him...he tended to be rather direct...putting that nicely.  Perhaps ease won over "best"?  I think so.  

Ooh. I'm sorry. I have been there, sort of. When we were filling out my mom's guardianship paperwork for AZ, we needed a local doctor to say she needed a guardian. We had a good doctor. She was super sweet and kind to my mom, but she filled out the court paperwork with us there and turned to me and asked why she should say my mom needs a guardian. I said something related to cognition and my mom piped up right away, "Oh no! I am NOT incompetent and don't you dare say that I am." There was this period of awkward silence and the doctor said that she would focus on the physical disability instead. In a way, I felt bad for the doctor- we saw this dynamic playing out time and time again. Nobody wants to be the "bad guy." Her WI doctors were more firm with her and didn't sugarcoat things, but I know that particular doctor just didn't want to fight with my mom. 

Being an adult's guardian, particularly a parent or older relative, is not for the faint of heart, but it is even more difficult, imo, when there is brain injury involved.  My heart goes out to you, JA...good luck.