Discussion » Questions » Relationships » What to say or do to friend who said your parent abuser didn't mean it?
Baybreeze

What to say or do to friend who said your parent abuser didn't mean it?

That their illness wasn't their fault, and  that you have to move on??? I have been through severe abuse, and had just explained that to him and how my mom bullied me, in addition to abuse. I know a 'bit' what they meant, that you have to not have it affect you anymore, but sometimes theres no CHOICE in how abuse affects you.. I just could never say to someone who said they had a lot of childhood abuse that they need to 'move on'... what would u do/say to friend who said it?

Posted - August 15, 2017
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Responses


  • 46117
    I am so sorry.  But you are learning a lesson too.  Don't tell your history.

    This is something that is sacred to you and you are sensitive about it.
    Any time you share, you are opening yourself to loads of people who do not have any ability at all to address this.  They will say whatever they think is clever or helpful without having any reason to think at all about it.

    If I was not molested myself and  if I did not come out better and stronger for overcoming this, then I would advise you to stay away from me.  At least about this particular subject. 

    Talk to the inspirational achievers.   Talk to people who can feel your pain and give answers as to why it really will be rewarding to go on and strive for what YOU want out of life.  Don't just ramble on your history to anyone who will listen.

    I know what going through this process may feel like because I was struggling with alcohol issues years ago and whenever I mentioned it to someone who did not drink, I was setting myself up for a lot of pain and resentment.

    So, I know you have to find things out for yourself, but that is a lesson I wanted to pass on to you.

    Find the winners. This post was edited by WM BARR . =ABSOLUTE TRASH at August 15, 2017 3:46 PM MDT
      August 15, 2017 11:13 AM MDT
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  • 1138
    My reply is posted below so weird it wasn't under your post.
      August 15, 2017 11:27 AM MDT
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  • 46117
    That's been going on today.  It almost got me and Salt and Pepper into a fight. lOL
      August 15, 2017 11:47 AM MDT
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  • 23577
    About parental abuse/neglect/and/or negative upbringing, when some people say "Move on - - you're an adult - - what your parents did, does not need to affect you now," I think of asking them how their childhood was. If they had a great childhood/whatever, then I'd tell them to "Move on -- forget about your parents and your childhood. It has nothing to do with you as a person now."

    My point -- it works both ways -- both a great or hurtful childhood greatly affects you as an adult. Either way, we do move on as best we can, yes.




    Hang in there and work through what you need to.
    :) This post was edited by WelbyQuentin at August 15, 2017 3:47 PM MDT
      August 15, 2017 11:20 AM MDT
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  • 1138
    Thanks friend. I appreciate that... Once a person though shows me they have no compassion for a survivior of any abuse, I often don't enjoy being friends anymore. If he asks why I haven't replied I'll tell him, but I don't plan to continue chat.. also this person never even said anything when I told them a few things that happened to me (they asked )... and when I said, did u get my message about what you asked below? They still didn't say anything. that hurts a lot. :/  You are so right, we live as we can as BEST we can and I find a lot who had good childhoods or moms/dads don't even GET that a mom or dad can be very cruel to their kid, like they cannot put themselves in the victims shoes one moment. Oh well.. we can only live in NOW and I'm working hard on that..  Ty so Much *hugg
      August 15, 2017 11:31 AM MDT
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  • 23577
    You're welcome and, yes, my best to you!
    Keep on forging through!
    :)
      August 15, 2017 5:44 PM MDT
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  • 1138
    Thanks for that.. the best sentence was, 'it really will be rewarding to go on and strive for what YOU want out of life.' No I don't ramble this to anyone, it wasactually when someone asked me, a friend, how much anxiety I get in my life... and then I explained why I get it.  Now I know not everyone will REALLY understand- that living your life a slave, inhuman from abuse is not something to say 'oh now move on'... o.O  Ty for your reply... 
      August 15, 2017 11:26 AM MDT
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  • 46117
    Sure.  I didn't mean to sound like you are a rambler.  I just know i would spill my guts all the time when I just got sober.  I was referring more to myself than anything you did.

    One other thing.  I have never been molested.   I have never been severely abused.  I do not know how people survive that.  I really do not.  So, anyone who is telling you any advice needs to know that they would rather die than go what you went through.  They need to know that, but they do not know that.  So they have no  business offering any advice or even comment.   You survived.

    God Bless YOU. This post was edited by WM BARR . =ABSOLUTE TRASH at August 15, 2017 5:45 PM MDT
      August 15, 2017 11:48 AM MDT
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  • 1138
    Thanks Shar, I truly appreciate that. I'd never want someone to 'die' over anything; but in actuality, death was similar to what I felt and thought was 'life' for Many many years of my life. Thx for saying one really amazing thing too: You survived. Some days I really don't think about it, but the therapist I just saw said you were in 'constant survival' when you shoudl have been playing :/  Thanks again .....
      August 15, 2017 5:29 PM MDT
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  • 23577
    "constant survival" -  - that is incredibly overwhelming for a child to have to live through I'd imagine. Yet, you did. Baybreeze is a Survivor! And Baybreeze will continue to be a Survivor, along with discovering the many joys of living!

    UPDATE: When I said all my input in my answer and comments -- I was unsure if you're still in the situation. I was assuming you were out of the abusive household. I did read in here somewhere that you were seeing a counselor -- good for you! This post was edited by WelbyQuentin at August 15, 2017 5:55 PM MDT
      August 15, 2017 5:49 PM MDT
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  • 1138
    It was overwhelming at times, and I guess I am a survivor... Thanks :) I hope to truly LIVE now, b/c I feel I've only existed, for everyone to jsut be a pleaser, or to walk on :/   I hope this therapy can really aid me... she already seems engaging... ty friend 'hugg'
      August 15, 2017 8:32 PM MDT
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  • 23577
    Yup -- there is much more to life and living than surviving.
      August 15, 2017 8:36 PM MDT
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  • 7939
    I like what Welby and Sharona said. However, I will also add that maybe the person you spoke about had the wrong words, but perhaps the sentiments were right. Part of my healing from my past comes from an understanding that my parents were either broken or mentally ill. In theory, it's not their fault. I genuinely believe they did the best they could given their personal abilities. If you consider how your childhood (and current life) has impacted you, and the behaviors you have as a result, then it only makes sense your parents behave the way they do as a result of their own baggage. Are you doing the best you can? Maybe they are too.

    That doesn't excuse abusive behavior. That doesn't make it ok by any means. But, if you can come to terms with the "why," you may also learn to establish healthy boundaries with them and see what they do for what it is. Broken people behaving in a broken way.

    To "just move on," yes... yes, you have to. I say this with the utmost sincerity, but you live in it every day. You are not taking any steps to make your lifestyle healthier. Do you feel like you can't do better? Do you feel like you don't deserve better? Would you feel guilty leaving your parents? There is ALWAYS and out, but you aren't taking it. You're allowing something to paralyze you and are subjecting yourself to more abuse every day. It does not get easier. You DO need to move on. You need to accept that this is how your family is and that it is NOT going to get better. You can't change what your mother does. You can't help her. and you will never get her approval. And, it doesn't do any good to sit there in inaction. 

    No, you can't simply remove your anxiety or other issues. You can't just pick up and move and instantly be ok. But, you're dwelling. You're allowing the behavior to continue by remaining in the environment, and thus, sealing your fate. I want better for you, and I hope you do too. That means you have to move on. If you can't take those first steps on your own, please get help to do so.
      August 15, 2017 12:00 PM MDT
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  • 1138
    Ok, so we are not talking of mere 'abuse' ...We are talking cult like abuse, we are talking threatening my life. Anyone who had a good, loving, and SELF would leave. I have no self. I do not believe I have rights, or that I am worth of anything. You cannot just Move on from cult like abuse.. you can take steps yes, to get out, which I have. I just entered therapy this week, and that took a LOT of guts b/c I believe some therapists wouldn't even believe me... or judge me. I am taking the step to get out, very very soon with help and guidance..  so actually I'm not in inaction... I could never tell a woman beaten by her husband, or emotiionally abused day in and day out  every single day of her l life (but wouldn't be as she was not a one , two, three, seven , nine year old with it too everyday... ) just 'move on'... just take action. They can barely get out of BED some days.. My mother has come at me with a pan, saying I will hurt you, and ,  'I'm going to kill you...' screaming this... on another day.. ONe of my friends said , she is and has been a bully.. one prob. could not say 'well the bully is doing the best they can, they are ill..'

      I totally get every single thing you have said BUT this is an extreme psychopath, not just an abuser.  (my mom) I have been in a fog for so so many years, so my point is, I'm moving on step by step, but to SAY to anyone who has been under extreme abuse, 'she was ill, move on'... is Beyond hurtful to anyone who has felt near inhuman. I enjoyed your care and words, b/c it is nice to know ppl are rooting for me , and I am not saying this message in any way other than truth and kindness. I will never change a psychopath and I know that, never. I actually do not have a mom, or a dad (he has come at me too... ) and no other family to help me whatsoever financially or emotionally .. I will be alone, just me. Some days I felt such extreme anxiety I thought I would die. I had a severe anxiety disorder the last several years.. so I couldn't even work full time hours to GET my own place. but all your words are coming from your heart, and I really appreciate that.. I know you have been through abuse as well that you never ever deserved. but it's difficult to say someone is dwelling... having a severe anxiety disorder preventing your own independence is not.  I thank you though for all your words as they mean a lot....  but what my friend said that hurt, was as if it was in one minute 'she was ill and you'll have to mo ve on'.. YES I wanted to say of COURSE lol.... but none of any minute of my life or anyone with debilitating abuse is cut and dry. Lilke I said I appreciate your uplifting words it CAN be done and i finally do have hope , only in this last year am I coming out of a fog...           
      August 15, 2017 3:19 PM MDT
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  • 7939
    Congratulations on getting into therapy. It's a big step. I'm proud of you for taking it. 
      August 15, 2017 4:41 PM MDT
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  • 7280
    The type of abuse you describe is "soul killing."  When abuse is that bad, it is difficult---if not essentially impossible to---recover adequately without professional help.

    I am very glad you finally have found hope in your situation.

    Regards...
      August 15, 2017 4:55 PM MDT
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  • 5354
    I too say move on. Or rather Move out. There are lots of fine people in the world, find some and get to know them.
    And beware of the biggest risks to people who have been abused: 1) self-pity and 2) falling in love with another abuser, that is so very common.
    So move out, preferably to another city, and dont invite you parents to visit more than you absolutely must. That is HOW you move on, not by staying in the same situation like a sacrificial sheep.

    Now I know nothing about you, do you have the earning capacity to do this? and the guts? etc, etc, etc. I hope you do. Consider getting help from relatives, uncles and aunts can be very supportive, especially since they probably already know what has been gong on.

    Best of luck. This post was edited by JakobA the unAmerican. at August 15, 2017 1:30 PM MDT
      August 15, 2017 1:27 PM MDT
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  • 6477
    Oh heck I wrote a reply and it got lost. I said basically... 

    Many, good answers on here and i doubt I have anything much new to add.. but I wanted to say that my feeling is that your friend didn't mean to upset you or hurt you by what they said.  

    UNless you know them to habitually be a horrible person, I think they were just very far out of their depth. I mean by that they had just NO Idea what to say as they just had no idea what it's like to have been through what you have.. Many people would.. Your friend cannot even begin to imagine what it must have been like..

    That's not to excuse what they said... it was insensitive and un-supportive to say the least,, but I just think they had no idea, nothing in their own experience on which to base a helpful reply...  being lost they probably tried to gloss over it.. they probably felt uncomfortable.. not knowing what to say.. perhaps they felt that if you could ignore it, forget it.. you would be ok.. Unfortunately it doesn't work that way.. it never just goes away.. 

    My motive in saying this is that I really want you to not be too hurt  by what they said.. to be able to dismiss what they said because they said it from ignorance, lack of any understanding of what it's like, the damage it causes... They were clueless and in their ignorance said the wrong thing.. Please don't let it trouble you.. it was their lacking that was at fault.. 

    PS not that it helps.. but I was abused by my mother, by my uncle, by her boyfriend and by a long term ex.. I don't pretend I know how you feel because every person's experience is different but I can imagine a little regarding the damage it does and how you never ever forget.  
      August 15, 2017 2:11 PM MDT
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  • 1138
    Your words were calming, uplifting and wonderful. Thank you friend.  You DO have to move on, at some point, and try to get freedom, which is my aim eVERY single DAY.  But to say to someone, non chalantly, 'it wasn't her fault...' just STUNG b/c this person (my mother) is cruel. She knew  a lot of what she was doing and does... and my therapist jsut said it is no wonder you ar enot an alcoholic, drug addict, and you have been kind and loving to everyone. I thought, I guess you are right. I think they also had no idea, you are right. He even said to me I had a loving, idyllic childhood.  How I envied it so much, to even ThINK about something like that. is wonderful. I think they DID think if we just ignore it, its fine. Boy do I wish that to be true... I'm so sorry you were abused friend. I truly am :( *huggg. You are such a bright and open person here, and it meant so much to read your message.. Thank you Daydream. I just wondered if anyone else here has had a friend or anyone say such casual words when it is the most awful thing you've ever gone through in life :/     Sen0ding you a hug and wishes for a great evening :)
      August 15, 2017 3:34 PM MDT
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  • 17595
    You are a grown woman; step into those shoes.  Whatever has happened to you is yours.  It doesn't matter who did what to you; it is your problem to resolve.  So take ownership and figure out how to travel through it, get beyond it, and not make it your thought and conversation subject anymore.   You are wasting your youth on this. 
      August 15, 2017 3:00 PM MDT
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  • 7280
    What can you say?---Well, I could compose a number of responses you could use, but you would never know what they were because my answer would be immediately deleted and my account would be immediately deleted.

    How the hell can you "move on" when you have yet to heal from the massive damage inflicted upon you by your mother---one of the two persons whose primary function in life was to make sure you knew and felt that you mattered just because you were born?

    Saying "move on" is like telling you to put a band aid on that melanoma on your arm and get back out there on the beach and finish that volley ball tournament---you can do it!!!   (Those people don't understand you how hurt you are, but they are willing to make themselves feel better by cheering you on---and then burying you with the culturally appropriate sorrow when you waste away.)

    My mother abused me---primarily psychologically.  And yes i can see why she was ill equipped to be a parent based on her own nuclear family background; and I know full well that in the time from the end of WWII through 1963 there were few books available at the news stands that dealt with the principles of raising children from early childhood through adolescence.   

    But let's assume (very very briefly) that what she did to you wasn't her fault.  Two comments---1) If I step on your left foot by accident and your right foot on purpose, which one doesn't hurt? and 2),  If it wasn't her fault, exactly whose was it?  My point, even if she is minimally guilty for whatever reason (and I assume God has already forgiven her) that is her story and her life; and now you have to deal with the abuse she rained upon you.

    Your mother had no right to do what she did to you.  You were and are worth much more than that. Do not forgive her too quickly---otherwise you might take on part of her responsibility for your situation and wind up with more than you need to deal with.  And stay angry as long as you need to---you have an easily defendable right to be and to remain extremely angry until you have healed from the damage she caused.

    I would recommend counseling.  A good psychologist can serve as a "fair witness" to the evil that your mother did to you; support you in your journey to minimize the effects of what was done to you.

    And I would recommend author John Bradshaw if you want to do some reading:

    https://www.amazon.com/Coming-Reclaiming-Championing-Inner-Child/dp/B000WZ2GSC
      August 15, 2017 3:43 PM MDT
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  • 23577
    Bravo!
      August 15, 2017 5:52 PM MDT
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  • 7280
    Thank you.
    Regards...
      August 16, 2017 11:09 AM MDT
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  • 7280
    Thank you.
    Regards...
      August 16, 2017 11:09 AM MDT
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